Why is the AFL boss in the bedroom?

YET again it seems that in an effort to tick every possible box of progressivism, an organisation is teetering on the brink of fascism, writes Joe Hildebrand.

WHEN the AFL made the bombshell announcement last week that two staffers had “resigned” over “inappropriate” relationships, my first thought was simply this: Why?

Why on earth is an organisation prying into the personal lives of its employees and then making a determination on whether they are “appropriate” or not?

I’m certainly no fan of extra-marital affairs – I even got married in a Catholic church just to give myself a proper challenge – but surely if I do ever stray that is a matter between me and my wife or me and my God. It certainly isn’t a matter between me and my boss – even if he does resemble the Almighty in many other respects.

Yet again it seems that in an effort to tick every possible box of progressivism, an organisation is teetering on the brink of fascism – the kind that creeps into your bedroom late at night.

Call me old fashioned but I’m of the view that what goes on behind closed doors between consenting adults is nobody’s business but their own. And certainly not something that should come up in their annual performance review.

To get an idea of just how next-level creepy this is, let us contemplate the scenario.

In this case, an emergency meeting of the AFL Commission – no less! – determined that the personal relationships of two senior employees were so “inappropriate” that it warranted their immediate resignation.

Exactly why they were inappropriate has not been fully explained but let’s consider the possibilities:

1. Because the men were married and having an affair

Okay, so all AFL employees who have extra-marital affairs should be sacked? No problem – does that apply to married women, too? And what constitutes an affair? Perhaps the HR manager could interview both husbands and wives in the employ of the great game to find out if they are emotionally cheating – which I understand many people find more hurtful than the physical act.

2. Because the men were having an affair with an AFL employee

Sorry, my mistake. So it’s fine for an AFL employee to have an affair as long as it’s not with a fellow employee. Go and see a different hooker every night, hang out at strip clubs, shag your wife’s sister or drop your keys in the fondue at a swingers party and that’s all completely fine but have an affair with someone you work with and that’s a sackable offence? Got it.

3. Because the men were having an affair with an employee who was junior to them

Ah, now I get it. How foolish of me. So if an employee has an affair it’s fine as long as it’s with someone who is on the exact same pay grade as him. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to ask someone precisely what salary band they’re on as you’re dimming the lights at the Holiday Inn. Of course you couldn’t possible have sex with a woman who is more senior than you because that would then be grounds for her sacking. Apparently there is room in the AFL for Lions and Tigers but not cougars.

4. Because the men brought the game into disrepute

Oh of course. Last time I checked, the whole point of an affair is that it’s supposed to be secret but because a couple of people almost no one had heard of got too flirty over some party pies the best thing for the game’s reputation was to hold a bombshell press conference outing them to the national media. Which reminds me – how good must that be for the women involved who are supposed to be victims (or something?!?) but have now had their sex lives blasted all over every outlet by the organisation that decided they were so vulnerable that someone having an affair with them was “inappropriate”. They might as well have painted a giant red “A” on them. Meanwhile of course the men’s wives have now been publicly humiliated on a national scale. Gotta love the new female-friendly AFL!

5. Because it was fostering an uncomfortable workplace environment

Well thank God they acted when they did. I can only imagine how relaxed and comfortable the workplace environment is now. Not least of all for the women involved.

6. Because other staff members didn’t morally approve of the relationship

Ah! Now THAT makes perfect sense. In fact I cannot wait for the AFL to crack down on all other relationships its employees disapprove of. Perhaps it will dismiss same-sex couples if enough employees in their section go to Hillsong? Indeed, what if one of the executives involved had been having an affair with a male employee instead of a female one? Would that still be verboten? No doubt an organisation as principled as the AFL would answer a hearty “Ja!”

Because that is what’s really so deeply unsettling about all of this: The idea that an organisation gets to decide what types of relationships are acceptable or not is exactly the same kind of repugnant moralising that made homosexuality illegal until just a few decades ago. And if history has taught us anything it’s that when people pontificate about perverts it’s the pontificators we should be worried about.

There is no place for the boss in the bedroom. Unless of course you’re having an affair with the boss, in which case you should probably tie him to a rack or something.