Collingwood may have better club song but Eagles will be kings of the big game, writes Mikey Cahill
ONE has the oldest origins of any footy song in Australia, the other a repetitive “clanger”. HIT reporter Mikey Cahill explains and reviews the Collingwood and West Coast theme songs in his unique way.
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THE Big Dance is nearly here.
Would you cut a rug to either Collingwood Magpies or West Coast Eagles theme song? Are their anthems any bloody good? Why aren’t I wearing any pants?
Let’s get the blowtorch out, fire up and see which anthem is superior and what it means for the imminent clash.
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COLLINGWOOD FC CLUB SONG
Good Old Collingwood Forever
Wince. The start of this song is a trigger. NB: Forever is a long time. That’s how long the length this week has felt to Demons and Tigers fans. Sport can be cruel.
They know how to play the game
They certainly do. Evidenced by the 15 flags they’ve already won. Even when the Pies first “won” a Wooden Spoon (they’ve only collected two, remarkable really) in 1976 under Murray Weideman they notched up six wins, more than any previous bottom side.
Side by side they stick together
Again, a true fact. Jordan De Goey lied about getting into a pub fight, had his licence suspended for blowing 0.095, yet his club stuck by him and look how he repaid the faith against the Tigers. He gave them a pasting. Wait. Why the hell am I writing positive things about Collingwood? I feel ill, everything’s turning black (and white).
To uphold the Magpies name
It’s magpie season and they don’t have the best name at the moment. I saw an eager male maggie swoop a Lycra-clad cyclist five times in quick succession near Healesville last Saturday as he zoomed down a steep gradient. He must know how Alex Rance felt. Australia is the only country to have swooping magpies, drop-bears and bunyips.
See, the barrackers are shouting
Cue: visions of spittle flying from crusty mouths in dire need of dental work that is not done by Johnno who lives behind the commission flats. That’s my one and only toothless gag.
As all barrackers should
Hmmmm. “All barrackers”. Should we — can we!? — support a Victorian team and get behind the local squad? It’s what Ted Whitten would want. Yet it feels so unnatural, like taking a bath with socks on or Vegemite on toast sans butter or the Black Eyed Peas without Fergie.
For the Premiership’s a cakewalk
Now now, don’t get too cocky, the Weagles have shown they can turn it on at MCG this season. Some advice Harrison Ford gave Mark Hamill after Star Wars: “Don’t get cocky.”
For the good old Collingwood.
Postcode: 3066. Local government: City of Yarra. Population: 8,793. Population on Saturday night if they win: 87,930.
NOTES ON THE NOTES:
Good Old Collingwood Forever has the oldest origins of any Australian football club song. It started life as a marching song called Goodbye Dolly Gray in the USA during the Spanish American War (1898), and grew in popularity through the Boer War (1899-1902). It was written by renowned American composer William D Cobb.
It wasn’t until 1906 that a Collingwood veteran of three games, Tom Nelson, took the music and made it the basis for what was to become one of football’s most stirring anthems. Stirring in both the positive and negative sense.
FUN FACT:
A ‘cakewalk’ was a dance that developed from a Black American contest in graceful, suave walking, where a cake was offered as a prize.
A JOKE:
Courtesy of my Year 11 Info Tech teacher, Len Cooke.
There was once the Smartest Man in the World. He was so intelligent he simply couldn’t have a conversation with anybody. Then one day his servant told him he’d heard of a man who had invented an IQ helmet that could increase brain capacity or decrease it. Heartened, the Smartest Man in the World contacted the inventor and went to his laboratory. Upon arriving, the inventor made a quick assessment: “10 minutes with the settings on Decrease and you’ll be just like the rest of us.” He fastened the helmet contraption to the man’s head and switched it on. All was going well when the inventor received a phone call from a fellow inventor he hadn’t spoken to in more than a decade. The two chatted. And chatted. It was like no time had gone by at all; a friendship rekindled. After 45 minutes the inventor suddenly realised he’d forgotten about the Smartest Man in the World.
He dropped the phone, rushed back into the lab and ripped off the helmet. The man was brain dead. Unconscious. The inventor slapped the man across the face. Nothing. He kicked him in the balls. Still nothing. Finally he threw a bucket of water over him and he slowly came to. He looked up at the inventor and started whispering something. The inventor leaned right in. and could hear the man singing ever so faintly:
“Good old Collingwood forever ...”
WEST COAST EAGLES FC CLUB SONG
Hey Eagles, hey Eagles, hey Eagles, hey Eagles
Steady on there fella. Only Gwen Stefani can get away with starting a song baling that many heys at us. The difference is No Doubt’s Hey Baby is a banger — this is a clanger.
We’re flying high, we’re flying high
Must not make Ben Cousins joke, MUST NOT MAKE BEN COUSINS JOKE.
We’re flying high, we’re flying high
You’re just asking for it now.
We’re the Eagles, the West Coast Eagles
I appreciate the delineation. And you’ve just reminded me I bought a “West Coast Wankers” T-shirt in 1991 at Glenferrie Oval during the Hawthorn’s final training session before they pulverised them by 53 points, 20.19 (139) — 13.8 (86), wait what were we talking about?
And we’re here to show you why
Ahhh yes, you’re going to show us you can put it all together at the MCG on the last Saturday in September. Cue: Bruce McAvaney rhetorically asking in a goofy tone: “The Eagles can win this game, can’t they?”
We’re the big birds, kings of the big game
Let’s see how you go in The Big Dance. Have the Demons played you into form? Or will you be unaccustomed to a team that handballs to each other? Is there hard evidence that was actually Jordan Lewis playing last Saturday in Perth and not a sultry-looking Chris Tarrant? These are genuine questions, Bruce.
We’re the Eagles, we’re flying high
Here we go again.
We’re flying high, we’re flying high
Got that bit.
We’re flying high
Is there an echo in here?
We’re the Eagles, the West Coast Eagles
Do you have learning difficulties?
And we’re here to show you why
Cue Homer Simpson discovering The World’s Best Jacket: “Show everybody, SHOW EVERYBODY!!!”
We’re the big birds, kings of the big game
An eagle is indeed larger and more formidable than a magpie.
We’re the Eagles, we’re flying high
Jesus.
We’re the Eagles, the West Coast Eagles
“2 plus 2 is 4.”
And we’re here to show you why
Less talk, more walk.
We’re the big birds, kings of the big game
Do you want me to bring up 1991? Or 2015 when the Hawks trounced you by 46?
We’re the Eagles, we’re flying high
The higher you fly, the bigger the fall.
We’re the Eagles, we’re flying high.
Quit your yappin’ and start flappin’.
THE ORIGINAL AND THE BEST
The original version is far superior. The new one sounds like Redfoo and an intern “reimagined it.”
For years they took the best of us
And claimed them for their own
But now we’ve got them back again
Our Eagles have come home
Inspirational!
(Chorus)
We’re the Eagles
The West Coast Eagles
And we’re here to show you why
We’re the big birds, kings of the big game
We’re the Eagles, we’re flying high!
I love Leslie Neilsen!
For years we learned the lessons
And we learned them very well
Studious!
And now we’ve added West Coast magic
And we’ll give you merry hell
What a bittersweet combination of an adjective and a noun. Devilish wordplay!
(Chorus)
So watch out all you know-alls
All you wisemen from the east
Them’s fighting words!
Cause you’ll get more than just a footy game
Buy me a drink first.
You’ll get a West Coast Eagles feast!
Extra jalapeño!
(Chorus)
We’re the big birds, kings of the big game
We’re the Eagles, we’re flying high!
We’re the Eagles, we’re flying high!
PREDICTIONS:
I’m on the Eagles, guys. Lewis Jetta will boot four and do his Ronaldo celebration without the cringe factor, Mark LeCras will earn the Norm Smith Medal now he’s sorted out that rude Indecent Obsession haircut (put ol’ mate Matt Priddis onto your new barber please Mark) and Peter Matera will pull the boots on in the last quarter and slice the hot Pies up, leaving them discarded and cold. Did you see Matera during last week’s broadcast coming up behind opponents, tickling their ears with one hand while nursing precious cargo (a frothy Carlton Draught) in the other hand!?
WHO WILL DO A JACK RIEWOLDT AND GET UP WITH BARNESY AFTER THE GAME?
Steele Sidebottom to sing No Second Prize. The matching timbres of a Scotsman and an Oirishman will synch up nicely: “Oh nu there ain’t noooo second prahhhze/ There’s nooot gooonna be noooo second prahhhhhhze”
Josh Kennedy to sing Working Class Man. He looks like a lumberjack/homeless guy/barista and you can see he and Jimmy popping a vein together, screaming the words into each other’s faces.
Jordan De Goey to sing Driving Wheels. A very meta nod to his booze cruisin’ a mere seven months ago. He’ll need to google the lyrics, he was minus 9 years old when it came out in ’87.
Jamie Cripps to sing Lay Down Your Guns. He can bond with Jimmy over the name James, kiss his guns then wail “I surrrrenderrrr”
Mason Cox to sing Khe Sanh. Who doesn’t wanna hear the 211 cms star belt out the very personal line: “So I worked across the country end to end/ Tried to find a place to settle down, where my mixed up life could mend”
Jack Darling to sing Flame Trees. He can have a word in Barnesy’s ear about doing a mash-up with Horses “That’s the way it’s gonna be little darling” before returning to the victorious, cry-into-your-pint brilliance of Cold Chisel’s 1984 classic.
mikey.cahill@news.com.au
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