A guide to being nicer to your AFL club’s whipping boy
EVERY club has a player that gets you out of your seat, screaming obscenities. Does it really have to be this way? Here’s Danny McGinlay’s helpful guide on your team’s whipping boy.
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LAST weekend I was proven wrong. I’m mature enough to admit it. I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong again.
I honestly thought ten years ago we’d never have a worse US President than George W Bush, and even twelve months ago I never thought I would find myself with a schoolboy crush on a Brisbane Lions player (Hi Sabrina).
And on Friday night one of my whipping boys really shut me up. You know your whipping boy, don’t you? The bloke who plays for your team and you really wish he didn’t.
Every week you pray for the coach to drop him and then on matchday you spend almost as much time calling him a dickhead as you do cheering goals.
I’d been screaming obscenities at a certain Bulldog for years, not cool I know, but hear me out.
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I can forgive a lot of flaws in a footballer, a sprayed kick or two or being outrun occasionally, but the one thing I cannot tolerate in a Bulldog is playing for Collingwood. It’s just not right.
However to Travis Cloke’s credit he has really worked on that part of his game over the off season. Friday night he played his least-for-Collingwood match of his career.
Full credit to Luke Beveridge and the coaching staff for improving that part of Clokey’s skill set.
It got me thinking, maybe we can all go a bit easier on own whipping boys. They’re human too and they don’t deserve being abused by us idiots week in, week out.
Here’s my guide as to how you can be nicer to your club’s whipping boy.
Hawthorn — Ty Vickery
If you go online you see many Hawks fans calling him a spud or a muppet, (Both things, by the way, that are actually awesome) but this just reeks of ungratefulness.
For all their recent success, no Hawk has ever won the Ian Stewart Medal, awarded to the best on ground in a St Kilda v Richmond match.
Signing Vickery has put an end to that curse.
Sydney — Kurt Tippett
You have to feel sorry for Tippet and Buddy, they’re constantly being reminded that they must perform.
The Swans paid literally millions for them, and for that kind of cash they could have bought a one-bedroom unit in Balmain.
They need to realise how much Tippet has contributed to the local economy, his trade negotiations alone keeping several NSW law firms in business for two whole years.
Melbourne — Jack Watts
The 2008 number one draft pick will probably never be forgiven for not being selected in Melbourne’s JLT Community Series.
“My heart beats true but if you miss a meaningless preseason match you’re dead to me” said an unnamed source’s butler, “Sure he played a major part in our Round One win, but too little too late”.
Essendon — Brent Stanton
My Bomber mates did occasionally say the one good thing about having their entire team banned for 2016 was at least Stanton couldn’t ruin any more matches.
These people are missing Stanton’s big contribution to team morale. Even despite all of James Hird’s misdemeanours, he’s still not the most hated Essendon player to wear 5 on his back this century.
Kudos to Stanton.
Geelong — Jordan Murdoch
It’s always the fringe players that seem to cop it, but Murdoch is a particular scapegoat, it’s almost as if winning the 2014 Grand Final Sprint means nothing!
St Kilda — Sam Gilbert
When the ball is in Gilbert’s hands, Saints fans are genuinely excited, where will it land? Out on the full? Maybe. On the chest of Riewoldt? Only if he was aiming for a different player altogether.
St Kilda fans need to remember though that Gilbert is a champion of diversity and tolerance, a genuinely top bloke, they need him next time the club sets fire to a dwarf performer.
Collingwood — James Aish
It would probably be easier to name the Magpies that don’t receive hate from their own fans, but I know last year Aish was receiving a fair amount of abuse from the outer.
Aish’s long term legacy for Collingwood will be off field, with his name creating a handy pneumonic to avoid kids getting bogan- spelled names.
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“You don’t spell James with an Aish” will be memorised in maternal health centres all over Melbourne.
Brisbane — Mitch Robinson
I asked my Lions supporting friends which player frustrates them and they all said Mitch Robinson, then they looked panicked and made me swear not to print their names.
Robinson is extremely valuable to the Lions membership drive, he’s an exciting player and also their most effective standover man.
Carlton — Bryce Gibbs
I don’t get this. He’s got a man-bun, a T-shirt label called Tu-Shay and doesn’t actually want to play for the club anymore.
But how can fans forget his performance in the 2005 Grand Final where he scored the match winning try for West Tigers? Legend! Oh that’s a different Bryce Gibbs? Right.
GWS — Ryan Griffen
I surveyed the entire GWS fanbase and they both said that Ryan Griffen was the current whipping boy.
His handball that was intercepted by JJ and lead to Bontempelli’s goal in the final quarter of the preliminary final was a particularly sore point.
The positive side for GWS is the AFL are looking to retroactively change the result of that match and award them the 2016 Premiership Cup in a ceremony next week.
Richmond — Taylor Hunt
Nobody loves to scream at their own players like the Tigers faithful. “Eat ‘em alive” has been their cannibalistic cry for decades now.
Taylor Hunt cops a lot of this, I think there’s still residual anger about another bloke called Hunt from Beaumaris leaving Punt Road in 1974.
Richmond fans should realise young Hunt is a qualified landscaper and carpenter, so they should keep on his good side.
He’ll have access to plenty of exciting power tools they can use to destroy their memberships in more creative ways in the future.
Gold Coast — Jarryd Hayne
This was the hardest part of writing this article, finding a Gold Coast Suns supporter.
Finally I tracked down a bloke I used to know when he worked behind the bar of a comedy club in Brisbane. He now lives on the Gold Coast and says his next door neighbour is a Suns fan.
I asked which player annoyed him the most, he said Jarryd Hayne. I hung up.
West Coast — Jonathan Giles
According to Wikipedia, Giles has the lowest winning percentage for any current player in the AFL, with only eight wins from 58 career games.
However West Coast supporters need to remember, the best stat for Giles the Eagle at the moment is that he’s not in prison.
North Melbourne — Lindsay Thomas
Lindsay works hard, but is often accused of ducking for free kicks.
Which is a shame, nobody ever notices that Thomas only ever ducks so the media will focus on him rather than on the fact that Goldstein has gone missing for two quarters.
Adelaide — David Mackay
Things are rosy in the city of churches at the moment, so it’s hard to find a negative footy fan.
David Mackay’s inaccuracies (2.12 last year) are a bit of a sore point, but since the lad looks like the love child of Adam Gilchrist and Wil Anderson it’s hard for Crows fans to stay mad at him.
Port Adelaide — Justin Westhoff
Port fans are weird. No doubt about it. I’ll re-enact the conversation I had researching this article.
ME: Which Port player is the whipping boy for the fans?
PORT FAN: Probably Westhoff.
ME: How come?
PORT FAN: Cos he only really plays well against the Crows.
ME: Okay, what’s a positive spin I could put on him?
PORT FAN: Well … he always plays well against the Crows.
ME: … right.
PORT FAN: Can I have $2 for the train?
Me: Mate, we’re on Facebook chat.
PORT FAN: I’ll wait here.
Freo — Nat Fyfe
This one is difficult to say, I got a lot of messages and phone calls from WA saying that they love abusing Fyfe, then I realised most of them were coming from his teammates.
When your club’s whipping boy is a two time MVP and Brownlow medallist, things aren’t that bad. No really Freo fans, things aren’t that bad.
OK they are. Sorry.
Danny McGinlay is the Western Bulldogs’ banner writer. See Danny live at his Comedy Festival show.
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