Former winner Adam Cooney lays out his Brownlow Medal survival guide for 2018

NEED some extra entertainment to get you through tonight’s count? Adam Cooney has you covered from what to do every time Tom Mitchell polls a vote to a special Game of Thrones penalty.

Adam Cooney gives his Brownlow Medal survival guide.

WHAT a time to be alive. Spring has sprung, the weather is warming up and there’s a game of footy to be played on Saturday. But for now, all eyes are on Crown’s Palladium room, eagerly anticipating who will take out the AFL’s most prestigious award — BOG at the Club 23 Brownlow after-party.

There have been many worthy winners over the years. Martin Pike got the votes in 2008 by nearly scaring me into handing my medal over to him the night I won! Jarrad Waite actually asked if he could wear it and take a photo with it on, which I thought was slightly odd, but I obliged. One vote for that.

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I’ve had a crack at the title on a few occasions, coming up short most of the time, although I firmly believe Fev and I should’ve shared the votes on his infamous Street Talk Brownlow edition, particularly after I knocked a full Crownie out of his hand which flew like a trademark Dustin Fletcher barrel through the room, striking Kevin “Bulldog” Murray in the chest (luckily he was wearing his Brownlow that evening which acted as armour, shielding the full force of the torpedoed lager).

Steven Seagal! Steven Seagal!

Or when we went full WWE at the after-party, falling on a glass table sending lychee martinis exploding over AFL royalty around us. (A couple of stray lychees may have lodged in Brynne Edelsten’s dress, I believe).

I was robbed of best on ground this night.

It can be a nervous, daunting and also quite boring night, so as we do each year for the newbies, here is my annual Brownlow survival guide to get you through the evening, ensuring you’re peaking at the right time of night (the after-party!).

THIS YEAR’S BROWNLOW DRINKING GAMES

IF YOU steal a three-voter undeservedly from a teammate who is one of the favourites, you must stand upright at your table being shamed Game of Thrones style for the remainder of that round.

A REGULATION three voter will require an on-camera full passionate kiss with your partner, showing the Australian public your love for them (if you’ve taken mum a kiss on the cheek will suffice).

TWO and one votes will remain the standard two and one-finger skol.

EVERY time Tom Mitchell polls it’s a one-finger skol for the room. This rule also applies for Max Gawn votes.

Despite how happy I am in this photo, this suit never saw the light of day again!

TIPS FOR BROWNLOW BEGINNERS

NEVER waste money on a limo. The cameras don’t even see you stepping out of your vehicle any more. Uber in and save money for cocktails post-count.

IF YOU’VE just scraped in for a spot at the table and your partner is a sprinter (she wants to charge through the red carpet unseen, attracting no attention) hire a dress for $50-$80 as no one will ask who she is dressed by and you’re at your table for the rest of the night. Make up can be done at home, throw a few curls in the hair and voila! For you, a club suit will be fine. Never splash out on a tux as chances are you will never wear it again.

BRING your entree card, even previous Chaz winners need these to enter the building (trust me).

Someone call the cops. I’ve just been robbed of three votes.

IF (when) Dipper spills some red wine on your white shirt, embrace it and wear it like a badge of honour, it’s your Brownlow christening!

LEAVE Dusty alone. No, he doesn’t want to talk to you.

Daniel Rioli has the right idea. Picture: Mark Stewart

NEVER, ever go to the bathroom if you think you’ll poll a vote or two in the coming round. If you get locked out you’ll miss valuable camera time.

BE SURE to pile as much abuse on to any player at your table that hasn’t received any votes. They will laugh it off, but they are hurting deep inside.

Me asking someone how many votes they’ve had. I knew it was zero.

ONCE the final votes are tallied and the winner is announced, slide straight up to the after-party, pull yourself together for a quick photo and possible interview then really put the foot down.

ENJOY the rest of the shindig, because as we all know what happens at the after-party stays at the after-party.

A QUICK tip for you, Tom. Prepare a speech, have a spacer (water between beers), get a nice haircut and a spray tan (all things I regret not doing myself). When you win don’t let the suits from AFL House govern your movements — if you want to celebrate your win into the wee hours with mates, do it and do it well. Also don’t schedule any media interviews until at least 10am Tuesday.

Rookie mistake. No spray tan and this photo was taken at 8:45am.

I won’t be attending this year (I know I said that in 2017, but this year it’s true) although I’ll be covering the Brownlow action live on Twitter @7AFL for the #Armchairexperts (plug!).

Enjoy the evening, stay safe and hydrated.

LIVE COVERAGE OF THE AFL BROWNLOW RED CARPET

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