Former Bulldog, Bomber Adam Cooney reveals what really happens at AFL Mad Monday celebrations
FORMER Bulldogs and Bombers champ Adam Cooney lifts the lid on the secrets of footy’s post-season celebrations, his tips for first-timers and who to watch for — and avoid — today.
AFL
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FORGET the physical demands of fronting up each week playing the toughest game on earth on a packed MCG, the ultimate test of an elite footballer’s mental and physical fortitude comes on the first Monday after the final siren sounds on another AFL season.
While players from eight clubs are putting themselves through another taxing week of recovery and preparing for a finals campaign, the other 10 clubs are engaging in another ritual just as revered: Mad Monday.
After 23 weeks of matches and nine months since reporting for pre-season, we need a wind-down. Not that Mad Monday is without its share of tension.
I’ve been through 13 years of Mad Mondays and trust me, I’m as nervous leading into the big day as I am running on to the ’G in front of 80,000 screaming fans. As an experienced campaigner I’ve learnt a thing or two about minimising the harmful effects the day can throw at you.
For the young players out there, here are a few tips:
LIKE any good athlete, begin training for the event a few weeks out. Start with a few beers after games and slowly work your way up over the next month so you’re hitting your peak at the business end of the year (this is tough for teams going into finals but you’ve gotta dig deep for the greater cause)
NEVER skimp on the costume. Poor effort in the wardrobe department will cost you extra consumption.
PARTNER up with a 3-5 year player. These guys are usually outside the ‘danger zone’ in terms of targeting for extra consumption or forced nudity, and they will also willingly fetch your beverages for you.
DO NOT BE LATE! 10am means 10am. Punishments will be handed down for each minute after that. A wise man once told me if you’re five minutes early you’re 10 minutes late (mind you, this was in reference to elite preparation and punctuality to meetings, but I like to be elite in everything I do, this includes MM).
At an AFL Mad Monday, most people fall into one of the following eight categories:
Darcy Parishes: First-year players otherwise known as peasants, slaves, call them what you will. They are there to serve everyone and to be mocked.
Marty Gleesons: There’s always one young bloke who challenges an elder statesman to a ‘drink off’ during the day and usually ends up slumped over a pot plant with his own jocks on his head after a crushing defeat.
Hibberds and Melkshams: The animals of the group, rock up feeling the effects of the night before, nude by 12, abusing everyone by 2pm and home by 6pm. Great value.
Lindsay Gilbees: The bloke who can’t skol beer so spends most of the day tipping pots on his own head.
Brad Johnsons: Perfected the art over many years of cradling one drink for hours on end then tipping it into the pot plant when no one’s watching. Never intoxicated.
Daniel Crosses: The stayer, elite endurance and mental toughness. Can drink at a steady pace for 18 hours without breaking stride. Will still be on Coronas at 4am when everyone else has switched to spirits.
Adam Cooneys: The smoke bombers, generally the husbands and fathers of the team. Around the 6-7pm mark, will sense an opportunity and slide out the back door inconspicuously into a taxi, straight through Maccas drive through and home to the doghouse!
Chris Grants: The Grand Poobah. Mother of dragons. The big daddy. Has the keys to the city for the day and his word is final. Usually the fossil of the group or recently retired player.
For those who have never experienced this great AFL tradition, here’s how the day usually pans out:
9.45am — players arrive at the local footy club/bowls club in their best get-up, possibly still slightly inebriated from the previous evening’s shenanigans. First beer must be consumed before 10am and its always the toughest beer of the day.
10-11am — Sit around enjoying each other’s company. Reasonably calm, eating chips and gravy and easing into a few pots (carefully avoiding your Hibberd/Melksham type operators as they’re already too far gone to interact with).
11 — Games commence. Team photo goes up on the wall, each player throws a dart, whoever it hits has to finish a pot. Simple but effective.
First-year players up for story time, usually involves their first sexual experience. If this has not occurred, player must be creative in thinking on their feet, or just be honest and finish a pot.
1pm — Coaches arrive to share a beer and a yarn with the boys after a long year.
1.05pm — Coaches realise they are way out of their depth and depart the circus ASAP.
2pm — Parma time. By this time we are all at stage: Stephen Kernahan singing Stand by your Man.
Finish half your parma and throw the rest at a first-year player, or someone you don’t really like.
3-4pm — Hypnotist arrives and a bunch of unsuspecting lads go under the spell. Players have been known to start licking a sex toy believing it’s ice cream and swearing all sorts of terrible profanities down the phone after calling home. One player believed someone stole his penis and nearly started a full melee trying to retrieve it.
4pm — This is when things start to heat up and my favourite part of the day.
Personal attacks are fierce and soul-crushing. Home truths are delivered about blokes’ inability to play the game at the highest level. Heaven forbid if a player hasn’t gone hard enough at the 12min mark of the second quarter in Round 3. He will be reminded of that moment in no uncertain terms.
It’s a bit like the leading teams leadership program but more honest and way more fun.
By 6pm were all at stage: Brian Lake at the Portsea polo!
I’m stumbling, my self confidence is in tatters and I’m nursing a possible black eye.
Time for me to drop the smokebomb and head home for the toughest recovery of the season.
If you’re a player today, have fun and don’t do anything that will get you or your club in the paper. If you’re a fan, give the players some time and space to release the shackles of professional sport.
My favourite day of the year!
Adam Cooney played 219 games for the Western Bulldogs and 31 for Essendon before retiring last week. Read his exclusive columns throughout the finals at heraldsun.com.au
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