Geelong star Patrick Dangerfield details his 14 steps to fix the AFL
WITH CEO Gillon McLachlan heading overseas this week, PATRICK DANGERFIELD is taking the chance to run the show at AFL HQ. See Danger’s 14 step plan for fixing the league here.
Patrick Dangerfield
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IT’S been a big couple weeks for you, Gill, so we wish you all the best in France. While you’re sipping chardonnay, the AFL Commission, in its wisdom, has given me 24 hours in your chair. Here’s the changes you’ll find when you get back:
1 NAMES ON THE BACK OF JUMPERS
We love the NFL and having the names showing on the back just makes sense for everyone. Don’t give me this excuse that they can’t fit. Having you name on the back makes players more connected to the guernsey.
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2 NINE-POINT GOALS FROM OUTSIDE 50
This is a response to the fact you seem determined to keep the 50m line on the ground. What purpose does it have? Other than to help David King and his stats gurus to figure out some of their measurements. So if we keep it, then let’s make it have a reason to exist.
3 GOAL OFF GOAL POSTS
If the ball hits the post and continues through then it will be a goal. It actually makes sense to award the skill of hitting a post and then still managing to go through the middle. It counted for Tommy Hawkins in the 2011 Grand Final so let’s count it now.
4 CENTRE BOUNCE GONE
I’ve been on this case for a while, no-one other than Brian Taylor is interested in how great a bounce is. The game is not about the umpires, it’s about the players. Take away the margin of error and just be fair for both teams by throwing it up. Maybe keep it at the start of a game only as a nod to history, but that is it.
5 MUSIC BETWEEN GOALS
Let’s create the same atmosphere as NHL games in the US. They have this pump-up music during any breaks in the action and it’s spine-tingling. We’re not talking about wheeling out Johnny Farnham in between goals, just some good tunes through the speaker system.
6 CROWD INTERACTION
A couple of clubs have done it before, putting hats and shirts on seats but there needs to be full bays covered with coloured shirts of their teams.
7 CLUB HOVERCRAFTS
Every club must have its own hovercraft which can be used for a variety of things including getting the person who is tossing the coin out to the middle. Visionaries at Carlton!
8 LESS PRE-SEASON
Players don’t have to come back until January. The AFL has the longest pre-season of any sport in the world and it’s too much. There will be no JLT series with just one or two games to prepare for the season which we will call scratch matches — I know it’s a new term in the football world but we’re going with it ... The JLT Scatchy Matchy.
9 BROWNLOW DRESS CODE GONE
It’s boring and we’re sacking the black ties. Time to bring back a bit of fun to the evening. We might also look at getting a new drinks sponsor. While Crown Lager have done a wonderful job, we need to mix it up. What about Strongbow taking over as the major sponsor? Who doesn’t like a nice cider?
10 CLUB POLOS GONE
No rules on dress to and from matches. We need a bit of NBA star Russell Westbrook action who actually employs a stylist. Some denim on denim and Akubra hats maybe? Mark Blicavs has some of the worst kits going around so he will become a highlight under this new rule.
11 REGULATIONS FOR BEHAVIOUR IN COACHES’ BOX
Coaches are no longer allowed to shield their mouths in the box. They can’t hide under the desk or at the back of the room such as Brendon Bolton or Chris Fagan. We’re in the entertainment industry, boys, and we cant wait to hear what Horse and Scotty have to say.
12 JOURNALISTS CODE OF ETHICS
We all make mistakes and as players when we do we have to front a press conference where we’re grilled by the press. Well, from now on if a journo makes a mistake they have to answer to code of ethics board which is chaired by Dustin Martin, flanked by Joel Selwood and Heath Shaw. There will also be a provision for a reduced penalty for those taking the guilty plea.
13 GEELONG TO USE AVALON
Virgin either have to get a plane there or Cats are travelling Jetstar. It makes no sense to drive one hour and 20 minutes just to get on a plane. No personal interest here, of course.
14 ADELAIDE CROWS RELOCATED TO TASMANIA
Tassie needs a team so Adelaide is going to be sent down there to become the Tasmanian Crows. Port Adelaide will then be renamed Adelaide Port which brings all of South Australia together under the one banner. Having spent time in SA, I’m sure this will go down just fine.
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GEELONG star Patrick Dangerfield says he couldn’t sleep after the Cats were last night unceremoniously dumped out of the finals by Melbourne and he wishes he could turn back time in the hope of changing the result.