AFL Women’s star Steph Chiocci opens up on her debilitating depression battle — and how football ‘saved’ her

Panic attacks would tighten their grip until she passed out. Steph Chiocci recounts the horrors of her mental health battle and reveals what saved her.

Steph Chiocci has revealed all.

The panic attacks would tighten their grip on Steph Chiocci until she passed out.

Living alone in Melbourne, the Collingwood co-captain would at times be rendered unconscious, consumed by an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, fear and dread that closed in, often quickly.

If she didn’t answer a phone call, close friends would at times fear for her safety and rush to check on her.

She’d been in denial.

It had been building, her mental anguish, before the floodgates eventually opened last spring.

Chiocci, 33, would cry on the way to training. She’d cry at training.

She’d go home to her golden retriever Bentley and cry again.

“I was a shell of myself,” Chiocci tells the Herald Sun of her mental health battle that took its toll late last year and on her AFL Women’s season earlier this year.

“I was really struggling. I was struggling in training, I was struggling to get out of bed. I cried most days.”

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Steph Chiocci during AFLW season seven. Picture: Michael Klein

“Saved” by football and family, Chiocci has bravely opened up for the first time about her depression diagnosis, her journey back to health and her determination to shine a light on mental health on the eve of her seventh AFLW season as captain of Collingwood.

As Chiocci prepared for last wordAFLW season, the black dog of depression consumed almost every waking moment – taking a gruelling mental and physical toll that affected friendships, work and football daily.

“I never had (suicidal) thoughts as such, but I had panic attacks and there’d be times where I’d pass out from them,” Chiocci reveals.

“I was living by myself, and one of my good friends (former AFLW player) Katie Loynes who lives around the corner would try and call me and if I didn’t answer, she’d be really worried. But I assured her and the people around me that was never an option. I would never want to leave this life.

“It didn’t get to that point, but it was a struggle.

“It’s a constant feeling of sickness. It’s like your body is eating itself from the inside out. I felt empty and it was churning through me.

“The weight loss and the fatigue, and then to have to get to footy and work was just a real battle.”

Chiocci and her four-legged bestie, Bentley. Picture: Mark Stewart

The foundation player admits she was initially reluctant to seek treatment and in particular be medicated but said that it has changed her life.

“I think there is still a bit of a stigma around mental illness, and I think we talk about that it’s the people that are happy and chirpy and have got their life together (that are affected) a lot of the time,” she said.

“But this is a real-life example of that. I think it’s really important. If it can help somebody with their own struggles then I’m doing my job.”

HOME TRUTHS

CHIOCCI thought she was OK.

But things started to deteriorate around last September, before others started noticing the changes, too.

Withdrawn, snappy. Agitated and clearly losing weight at an unhealthy rate.

It was a phone call from teammate Chloe Molloy to Chiocci’s best friend Renee to raise a flag that sparked a quiet word or two – things weren’t right. The girls were worried.

“I was triggered to do a bit of soul-searching in around September last year,” the Magpie says.

“I’d been seeing Jacqui Louder, who is our club sports psychologist, for six or seven years – before she was at Collingwood – and she knows me really well.

“I remember having a conversation with her after that and I wasn’t myself. I was really struggling. I was struggling in training, I was struggling to get out of bed. I cried most days. My future was uncertain, and your age plays a role as well. I thought I had my life set up and ready to go.

“We were getting stuck into pre-season and I was very well supported by the club. I struggled to get out of the car to go to training, but once I was there, I felt that warmth and love.

“I had spoken to my close friends outside of football, spoken to the club player development manager Maddy Haydar, my close friends at the club and it just got to the point where it was just impacting me so much that I couldn’t train properly and I couldn’t focus.

Chiocci has bravely opened up about her battle with depression. Picture: Mark Stewart

“My mind was distracted – I wasn’t living in the moment. I didn’t want to bring that to the club.

“I’d lost four or five kilos, I was frail. I just couldn’t even be up and about and my usual self.

“Renee really is my rock and it was probably something I needed to hear. I can’t thank her enough.”

Bubbly and spirited was the “Choch” they knew.

Chiocci looks now and was “embarrassed” by some of her behaviour last season as she navigated the turmoil of her mental health.

A key figure in upcoming Disney+ documentary series Fearless: The Inside Story of the AFLW, which follows four teams throughout last season including Collingwood, Chiocci said she had been hit squarely between the eyes with how her issues had come to the surface.

“The behaviours I saw – I was angry, and irrational at times,” she said.

“That’s not in my nature. That was a bit of a shock on reflection when it came to that.

“Things like anger, frustration. It’s not me. I can stick up for my teammates and be feisty when provoked, but some of those behaviours I found really embarrassing and out of character.”

GETTING HELP

THE MAGPIE thought she had things under control.

But as she continued to work with club figures, a recommendation came to visit the AFL’s sports psychiatrist.

She thought she didn’t need it, but it proved life-changing.

“I was reluctant to, but I knew I needed help,” Chiocci said.

“I was struggling with everyday life.

“It was the best decision I made.”

Chiocci strongly resisted one suggestion – to try medication.

But, eventually convinced, she started on December 6, 2021 – her 33rd birthday.

“I remember it clear as day. It basically had an immediate impact,” the schoolteacher said.

Chiocci has led the Pies for all seven seasons of AFLW. Picture: Michael Klein

“I’m very grateful for my workplace – they knew I was struggling, and picked up a lot of the slack. And then heading to training, I was mentally exhausted to the point where I would just go off when I got to training and be by myself. Most likely crying, and then try and get it out of my system before the session started. Then, I would get home to an empty house and cry again.

“The medication meant I was so much more balanced in my emotions. It just made so much sense. It’s something that I had suppressed for many, many years in different forms.

“My moods were more balanced. It levelled me out and I was able to train better, think more clearly and I was immediately becoming more present.”

SAVED BY THE GAME

FOOTBALL proved Chiocci’s “saviour”.

As she worked her way through her darkest days, teammates were the first on the phone or there with a knowing nod or hug in the gym or on the track – many of them navigating their own off-field issues in what the co-captain acknowledges was the most tumultuous AFLW season to date.

“The footy club was my saviour,” she says.

“I’m a routine-based person, so while it was really difficult to actually get to training, once I was there and I’d had my cry and processed my emotions, I tried to flick the switch which was really difficult.

“I knew my job as a leader was to lead. The girls knew I was struggling … I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. But I had a job to do and footy was my job, and it saved me.

“I was around people who are like-minded – girls like Ruby Schleicher, Sarah Rowe, Erica Fowler, Bri Davey – they were just a constant support for me.”

Weekends were often spent at home with family – her father Rob a noted pillar of support and smiles delivered thanks to niece Frankie and godson Nate.

Chiocci says she’s determined to “get back to the best version of myself”. Picture: Mark Stewart

Collingwood’s season ended in an elimination final against Brisbane – which had been delayed following a Covid outbreak at the Magpies that ripped through the team.

“We banded together (amid the blows of the season),” Chiocci says.

“We talk about being a family and I know a lot of teams do that, but we genuinely are. If it wasn’t for the girls that were there for me, I don’t know how I would have gone.

“It all just galvanised us and I think it’s what makes us very special.”

There are still triggers for Chiocci as she finds her new normal, almost getting to know herself again and find calm.

“I’m comfortable with who I am,” she affirms.

“I’m enjoying my own company. I’ve never really been alone.

“It’s nice now, and nice that I enjoy going home and spending time with Bentley, reading, going for walks by myself. Things I’ve never done before, as I’ve always been around people. It sounds simple, but for me, it was a really big deal.

“I’m really optimistic that I’ll get back to the best version of myself.”