Why I’m thankful I don’t live in the US

It might be the home of tech innovators and some admirable traditions, but on so many other fronts “the land of the free” is hopelessly backwards when compared to Australia, writes Darren Levin.

I experienced Thanksgiving for the first time in the US last week.

From what I observed it’s a time for Americans to give pause, shove their mouths full of turkey and ham, drink novelty sized bottles of Chianti, pass out watching football, and do it all over again.

But what makes Thanksgiving distinct from, say, Wednesday, is it gives Americans an opportunity to express gratitude for the things people in the developing world may not have. Things like universal healthcare and lead-free drinking water. Oh wait.

So as I tucked into some candied yams (sweet potatoes topped with marshmallows — as you do), I began to reflect on the ways in which I was thankful too. Thankful I don’t live in the states.

I am thankful mostly for tap-and-go.

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America may be home to tech innovators like Elon Musk, Bill Gates and Richard from Silicon Valley, but when it comes to technology you can expect a less archaic point-of-sale system in Tuvalu. Paywave is so common in Australia that baristas don’t even ask, “OK to tap?”, anymore. They just assume you’re not one of those psychopaths who would prefer to insert your card, swipe your card, or — perish the thought — sign your name.

Elon Musk might have ambitions to colonise Mars, but how about sorting out tap-and-go in the US first? Picture: David McNew/AFP

Buy a coffee in the US, however, and you have to sift through a wad of dockets, figure out how much to tip a person that screwed up your order and name (who the hell is “D’Arbnee”?), work out how to round $3.52 up to $5, and then sign your name with a real life actual pen. It’s been so long since I signed my name I forgot how to form squiggles with my hand.

I am thankful I can drink until the crack of dawn.

It’s pretty weird that even Los Angeles — a city once inhabited by Lindsay Lohan and home to some of the world’s finest celebrity trash bags — still calls last drinks at 1.30am.

Last time they tried to do this in Melbourne people took to the streets in protest. Everyone should have an inalienable right to drink a breakfast Negroni while other people are out jogging The Tan. This is why we march.

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I am thankful for a plumbing system that doesn’t have a toilet bowl filled to the brim with water as a starting point. Full disclosure I know nothing about plumbing but it seems super wasteful and — I hate to break this to you Americans — but faeces floats. Also no one wants a bidet experience in a public bathroom. It’s a miracle the entire country isn’t infected with dysentery.

How is it that Los Angeles, the city Lindsay Lohan once called home, still calls last drinks at 1.30am? Picture: Ander Gillenea/AFP

I am thankful to live in a place that doesn’t need to put corn chips on every salad. Thankful I’m not asked if I want whipped cream and caramel syrup on my spiced pumpkin latte.

I am thankful for even a token attempt to reduce waste. Packaged margarine, cocktail straws, coffee stirrers, coasters, tiny napkins, plastic cutlery — these things have no place in an environmentally conscious society. Moist towelettes — arguably America’s greatest contribution to the world — can stay.

I am thankful we don’t have a booze case in our pharmacies, despite the convenience; and thankful we decided to eradicate pennies in 1992. Our cash may look like a colourful nightmare but at least it’s durable and won’t get spoiled in the rain. You can also discern the difference between $5 and $100 and not accidentally give a valet hand named Diego a 300 per cent tip. Speaking of, I’m pretty thankful to live in a place where tipping is discretionary and not a way of palming off fair wages to the consumer. Half the time I don’t even know when to tip either so I just make sure to have a wallet full of $1 bills at the ready just in case an American person interacts with me.

So this Thanksgiving I’d like to give thanks to my parents, primarily, for choosing not to settle in America when they had the opportunity. I’m pretty fond of this tipless, cashless, well-plumbed, machine gun-free place.

Darren Levin is a writer, editor and wannabe dad-fluencer based in Melbourne. Find him on Twitter and Instagram.