Why I’m never drinking tequila again

IT only takes a few drinks of the Mexican spirit for things to unravel. Janet Roach and I have both learned that the hard way, writes Anna Brain.

WARNING: This happened to Janet Roach — and it could happen to you too.

In tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, we finally get to see the accident in which Janet badly injures her face. It’s been heavily promoted for weeks, and the actual story is as embarrassing as you might expect.

The Housewives — Janet, Gina Liano, Lydia Schiavello, Jackie Gillies, Gamble Breaux, Sally Bloomfield and Venus Behbahani — recently took a trip to Mexico.

It is a glowing endorsement of Cabo San Lucas; the Housewives, not so much.

The short version of Janet’s downfall is that she got blind drunk, fell down and split her head open, requiring stitches.

She had no memory of the incident, maybe because of the head injury, but more likely because of what she was drinking.

Gamble Breaux (left) helps Janet Roach after she came a cropper following a few too many tequilas. (Pic: Supplied)

When it comes to alcohol, there are two categories. Tequila, and everything else.

Tequila stands apart from all other drinks because of the bizarre consequences of drinking it.

Two or three glasses of wine? Fine. Two or three tequilas? All bets are off … and maybe some clothes, too.

You might judge a woman of Janet’s age (50 plus is a conservative estimate) for behaving like a drunken yobbo.

But I don’t. Because oh my god Janet, I’ve been there.

Here’s my Mexican tequila horror story, pieced together from my recollection, and what I was later told.

On the first day of our long-planned Mexican holiday we hit the beach for a couple of drinks. We sat under a tree for shade, necessarily, as my skin is a fetching “vampire” shade of white.

After three or four tequilas (an amount I thought I could handle; so wrong), I nodded off in the heavy, humid warmth of the afternoon. Unfortunately as I snored the sun moved (it’ll do that), burning my face, scalp and body to a crisp.

I woke up sunstruck and delirious. Freaked out by my blurred vision and woozy feeling, I quickly became paranoid, and decided the most rational explanation was that the resort staff were trying to poison us.

My friends wouldn’t listen (fools!), so I condescendingly undertook to protect them, following them around like a guard dog to intervene should the need arise.

Highly suspicious, I interrogated the guy who brought our pizza dinner, and other resort staff.

In reality, I had gone barking mad.

Just a couple of shots of tequila and you too could be acting like a maniac. (Pic: Supplied)

Our accommodation had a decadent rooftop tub, and since I now resembled a raving lobster, they put me in a cool bath to talk to the moon (I actually remember this conversation). I felt happy and safe there. It was a good decision to protect me from myself, or I might have a “done a Janet” and hurt myself.

The next morning I sheepishly apologised to the staff for my bizarre behaviour.

Hangovers and sunburns can only be endured. In the days to come, fellow yahooing yobbos at the resort cast pitying glances at my now-nuclear skin and kindly suggested I should try to take care of myself. It’s hard to take patronising sympathy from bogans in bathers, but I deserved it.

There are two natural reactions to a tequila hangover, which both Janet and I shared.

The first is to say “I’m never drinking again” (this lasts as long as the hangover).

The second is to say “I’m never drinking tequila again”, which, depending on the severity of your injury and embarrassment, can last years.

Then there’s a whole other category of people who never learn their lesson, such as Housewife Gamble Breaux, who shares her own hideous tale tonight.

“I’ve done some of the stupidest shit on tequila, I love it,” she says. “I was dancing on a bar once and I put my hand in a fan.” OK then.

It’ll be a while before Janet touches tequila again.

These days, I dabble with caution when the sweet siren summons me from a cocktail list. If you must do it, make sure you’ve got some good mates — not the Housewives variety — around to protect you from yourself.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs on Foxtel’s Arena channel at 8.30pm tonight.

Anna Brain is a News Corp TV writer.

@Brainybites