Why are Dads impossible to buy Christmas presents for?
Even if you do manage to crack the Dad-Vinci Code and find something he likes, he’ll probably make you return it. But there’s a reason behind this annual headache, writes Darren Levin.
Rendezview
Don't miss out on the headlines from Rendezview. Followed categories will be added to My News.
There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes and dads being notoriously difficult to buy presents for.
I’m pretty sure you’d be able to fit all of your Christmas shopping into a 15-minute tea break if it weren’t for the difficult man in your life grunting “nothing!” or “don’t waste your money!” when you ask for even a vague hint about the kind of stuff they’d like stuffed in their stocking. Instead, you’ll likely spend four hours in the car accessories aisle of a Supercheap Auto, wondering whether a set of sheepskin seat covers reflects his personal brand. I’m here to tell you it doesn’t, for the simple fact that nothing does.
MORE FROM DARREN LEVIN: Why I’m determined to stop hating my birthday
It wasn’t always this way. I’m pretty sure there was a time pre-kids where men had definitive ideas about the kind of gifts we’d like. There was also a time pre-kids when we slept in until after 6am on weekends, read the paper at breakfast, went to the toilet for reasons other than escapism, and just generally had proper agency over our own life. We probably had hobbies back then. Proper ones like smashing a ball around in a field for nine hours on a Saturday morning or rearranging tools in a shed all day. Now we’re lucky if we remember our own names, let alone the fun times we had lying on the couch covered in nachos watching the director’s commentary DVD of Shawshank Redemption for the 18th time that week.
Where do you even begin buying a gift for a human shell of his former self? The answer is definitely not in junk mail catalogues, which portray dads as perfectly manicured models who fake-laugh at things happening off camera.
Those dads wear baby blue cardigans, coat themselves in Johnny Depp aftershave, and are covered head-to-toe in wearable tech. (While we’re on the subject, no dad in his right mind would want an Apple Watch this Christmas. He may think he wants one, but when the reality of getting WhatsApp pings through his wrist all day sets in, he’ll wish he could go back to the days when dads could only be contacted via 1800-Reverse.)
MORE FROM DARREN LEVIN: Millennial parents seem to fail in every way possible
Don’t be suckered into buying him a nice bottle of whiskey, either. Dads don’t do things in half measures, so if he’s expressed any interest in whiskey whatsoever, he probably spends hours on forums arguing about barrel age, the pros and cons of adding water to a Japanese blend, or whether there are vanilla or raisin undertones in a peated Connemara single malt. The same rule applies to cycling, coffee drinking, vinyl collecting, fly-fishing, Matchbox car collecting, or his lifelong quest to bake the perfect tarte tatin.
Even if you do somehow crack the Dad-Vinci Code and find something that intersects with the few remaining things he likes – burning food on the barbecue, complaining, and bingeing documentaries on Netflix – he’ll probably make you return it.
MORE FROM DARREN LEVIN: Kids parties are easily the worst thing about parenting
Don’t be fooled into thinking this is a selfless act. Dads like being difficult. It’s a sport that defines them and sets them apart from the other half of the planet that are normal and gracious and understand that the act of gift giving isn’t just about them.
But maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on my fellow grumpy brethren?
Apparently there are biological reasons underpinning this deep-seated aversion to gifts. Kit Yarrow, a professor of psychology at Golden Gate University, says that even though the role of a dad is changing, being a provider rather than a recipient is innate. In other words, he’ll likely be a giver more than a taker.
Unless, of course, you give him what he actually wants this Christmas. A pair of noise-cancelling headphones. He’ll never take those back.