The eight emojis every parent needs

While the new emoji set for 2019 have many welcome additions, there is a distinct lack of suitable options for parents. Here is my list of serious suggestions, writes Darren Levin.

Unicode, the international body in charge of diminishing the impact of the written word, will release a suite of new emojis this April.

They include a blood drop emoji to reduce the stigma around menstruation for females and man-babies afraid to use the P-word. A multifunctional pinching hand emoji for sex pests and as a means of expressing, um, penile dissatisfaction.

By way of inclusion, the pinching hand emoji comes in a range of skin tones.

A sexy ice block for when you want to recreate the scene from 9½ Weeks. And, of course, a whole new range of inclusive emojis for 171 types of genders and skin tones — except the 387 types neglected by Unicode according to Twitter dot com.

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These are welcome additions to the emoji landscape. They promote inclusivity, female health, disability representation, and the undeniable deliciousness of waffles served with a knob of butter.

But as I scanned through all the new symbols, I secretly wished there was an elephant-in-the-room emoji to express my disappointment at the lack of options for parents.

No-screen-time emoji

Top of the list would be a no-screen-time emoji that we could text to our child’s iPad, iPad Pro, Surface Pro, MacBook, Pro iPod Touch, Samsung Galaxy, or even just iPhone.

Yes, they’ll be annoyed at us for interrupting their five-hour run of Fortnite or slime tutorials on YouTube, but this one level of abstraction could dull the pain of being called, “The Worst Dad Ever”, to your face. Those emotional scars are deep.

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The HSP or loaded fries (US version) emoji

Would be handy for the times you kick on after a work function, end up at a kebab joint at 2am, and get a sequence of angry red emojis followed by a succession of nostril steam emojis followed by a “WTF” in plain text.

Why swear when emoji faces say so much more?

Netflix and chill emoji

For those once-a-year moments when the kids are sleeping at their grandparents and you finally get some alone time with your partner. You light some lavender candles, pour out the essential oils, and just kick back and actually watch Netflix (not a euphemism).

Nappy emoji

For the times you’re too tired to actually text, “We’re out of nappies”, to whoever is lucky enough to be on a relaxing outing to the supermarket. The nappy emoji can also be used to passive aggressively suggest, “It’s your turn now, buddy”, to a partner who has magically aligned their bowel movements to your baby’s and disappears to the bathroom at the precise moment they need to be changed.

Kids shouldn’t get to have all the emoji fun, parents deserve their own non-text expressions. Picture: iStock

Sleep deprivation emoji

There’s already several emojis to express tiredness, but parents need a sleep deprivation emoji to effectively warn colleagues that a hot mess of a person will soon be arriving at the office with bags the size of saucers under their eyes and a thermos full of espresso.

Full gamut of coffee variations emojis

Speaking of coffee, there needs to be an extra strong latte with almond milk emoji, plus emojis for the full gamut of coffee variations, including milk and non-milk varieties.

Wine time emoji

There needs to be a wine time emoji, which is effectively just the regular wine glass emoji filled to the brim with cheap rosé.

Massive lolly bag emoji

And is it really too much to ask for a massive lolly bag emoji for the times you really just need a massive bag of lollies to get through the day?

Consider this my official submission to the UN (of code).

Darren Levin is a RendezView columnist.

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