Speaking out on sex abuse should not generate more abuse

Former NSW Liberal staffer Dhanya Mani last month revealed she had allegedly been sexually assaulted by a colleague and when she complained, the party took no action. Here she tells what happened next.

Being a victim of abuse should not mean you are subjected to more abuse. Picture: istock

The decision to share my story of sexual harassment and assault publicly is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

I agonised over it for years.

Not only because those experiences are some of the most painful and traumatic events I have lived through, but because sharing your story publicly necessitates the frankly, terrifying and daunting act of taking an incredibly vulnerable part of yourself, surrendering control and giving it over to the public.

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I would like to tell you that I didn’t go through what so many survivors before me have been through. I would love to say I’ve been roundly respected, valued and validated after sharing my story.

Unfortunately, my experience — like that of many survivors of harassment and assault — has been defined by new and unique assaults on my sense of self, my credibility and my agency.

It is hard to put into words how disorienting and re-traumatising it has been to watch my identity be endlessly twisted, manipulated and reformulated — mostly, in ways that have been distressing, deeply hurtful, and untrue.

When Dhanya Mani spoke out, she never expected more assaults to follow. Picture: istock

Members of the community have labelled me a “rapist enabler” because I did not report the perpetrator to police or exclaimed that I must be deriving some perverse personal benefit from the publicity.

Politicians, and my own political party have attempted to rewrite history. They have disregarded the evidence I have and used their powerful position to try and convince the public to buy into a narrative that means that they can deny any wrongdoing and responsibility.

I’ve been subject to media harassment at all times of day and night. Journalists and producers have tried to manipulate my desire to make a difference for women, by telling me that if I did not immediately give their media outlet a scoop, my story and the reforms I am advocating about would cease to matter.

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Those responsible claim their treatment of me is acceptable because it is in pursuit of ‘justice’ and ‘fairness.’ But really, all their actions have achieved is the perpetuation of a social reality wherein all that we can truly be sure of is that survivors like me will be re-traumatised and punished simply for speaking out when political parties, workplaces, institutions and companies fail to keep them safe.

This has to change. We must do all within our power to bring about that change.

To that end, there are a couple of things I’d like you to know based on what I’m going through.

If you tell survivors they should have gone to the police, you are part of the problem. Our justice system is not built for survivors. As the Centre for Innovative Justice put it: “for the majority of sexual assault [survivors], a chasm exists between the system’s promise and what it can actually deliver … at it’s core, the prosecution process was developed … to test the Crown’s case against an accused, rather than to directly address the harm caused to [survivors].”

The only way to create a better future is to do all we can to ensure survivors feel empowered, safe and supported. Picture: AFP/Mark Ralston

Justice — as it is defined by the survivor — is rarely able to be achieved, as the person who decides what justice means is almost never the survivor of the harm or abuse.

When you ignore this reality, and deem survivors less worthy of your support when they don’t go to police, all you achieve is an aggravation of survivors’ trauma. Sexual abuse is about power and these responses only further rob survivors of their power.

What you should be asking is why our society, justice system, and institutions are failing survivors of sexual abuse.

Under 20 per cent of women report sexual assault and violence, and even when they do, only a very small number say the perpetrator faced legal consequences.

There are also countless harmful social realities that mean going to the police is not a choice, or would imperil a survivor’s wellbeing. Most commonly, survivors do not report violence to the police because they fear revenge or further violence, are embarrassed and/or ashamed, they think their experiences are unimportant, or have had bad experiences with police in the past where they have not been believed or supported.

Going to the police is sometime not a choice for a sex abuse victim. Picture: istock

But beyond this, we must all remind ourselves of two things.

First, that the choice about how to deal with a crime belongs solely to the survivor of that crime. Survivors have the right to choose the complaint-handling process that best, and most efficiently provides them with the remedy they need.

Second, the only parties responsible for past, present and future sexual abuse are those persons or entities who commit, enable, or ignore sexual abuse. It is never the fault of the survivor.

We only achieve change by putting survivors first, and advocating for reform together

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The only way to create a better future is to collectively do all that we can to ensure survivors feel empowered, safe and supported in making the choice that is best for them and their wellbeing when they experience sexual abuse.

Movements for change only succeed when there are so many voices speaking out that they’re impossible to ignore — so we need your help. Please visit https://changingourheadline.com, and get in touch. I hope we’ll have the chance to get to know each other, and create change together.

If you need help, please call the national 24-hour sexual assault helpline 1800-RESPECT (1800 737 732)

Originally published as Speaking out on sex abuse should not generate more abuse