Nobody cares about your wedding

FORCING bridesmaids to spend up big on dresses, making guests wait hours between ceremony and reception, social media bans — it’s making me hate weddings, writes Jill Poulsen.

I REALLY didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you this but here goes; nobody cares about your wedding.

Well they probably care about it a bit but nowhere near as much as you do.

The amount of frippery and pretence that’s involved in a wedding in the age of Kim and Kanye is intense.

Honestly, it’s no wonder us poor Millennials can’t afford a house full of avocados when we’re forking out thousands of dollars in bespoke bridesmaid dresses.

So if you’re in any way interested in not annoying your friends and family here’s a few things to keep in mind.

There is such a thing as too much fun

If there’s a cautionary tale for why you shouldn’t try to rival the Royal Wedding it has got to be 30-year-old English woman Georgina Childs.

The poor PR account manager from Essex’s story went viral a couple of weeks ago when it was revealed that the cost of attending her friend’s weddings and hen parties landed her in so much debt she had to move back in with her parents.

I love my parents but not even an invitation to Harry and Meghan’s wedding would be worth having to move back in with them.

I recently heard about a wedding where guests have no choice but to engage in a five-day affair packed full of activities, none of which are optional because apparently they can’t leave wherever the wedding is being held.

Nothing makes you feel like you’re on a school camp like good old fashioned forced fun.

We hate it. Stop doing it.

If you want to put breakfasts, lunches or a game of polo on as an extra don’t let me stop you, but it should be opt in or opt out.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West did their wedding in style, but you probably aren’t Kim or Kanye. (Pic: Instagram)

Don’t be afraid to use your memory

Have you ever gone to a wedding where there was a sign informing you of a social media ban on photos until 24 hours after the wedding and thought to yourself “Oh, I didn’t realise Gavin and Michelle had done a deal with New Idea to sell the exclusive right to their pics for $1 million, good on them!”.

Are people so desperate to put across the perfectly curated image of their special day that you simply couldn’t bear it if Aunty Lesley popped up a wonky pic where the groom’s eyes are half shut?

What do we care if we can’t post a picture of you on our social media but the exclusivity of it is enough to make you want to scream “I’VE SEEN YOU LICK A SHOT OFF A BAR” as the bride walks down the aisle.

The obsession with how your wedding is captured brings me to my next point:

Why do you need five hours for photos between the ceremony and the reception?

It’s not only incredibly rude but incredibly risky.

Do you know what happens when you leave 100 irritated people in a pub for five hours?

Drinking happens. Lots and lots of drinking.

If you want to lose your security deposit from the wedding venue because the dance floor is so sticky it’ll need sanding back to be restored to its original glory and you’ve got a spare couple of thousand to fix the window your dodgy mate from primary school broke when he started a fight with your brand new brother-in-law then go ahead, take your time with the photos.

Get Steven Spielberg in to direct a short film of your love story, pay extra for your makeup artist to follow you and the seven photographers you’ve hired around to give you touch ups.

Go nuts; just be prepared to pay for it in tears, cash but probably both.

Sure, I’d be happy to fork out $300 on an ugly dress I’ll never wear again.

Leave the love stories to Mills and Boon

I love asking couples how they met; hearing people talk about how they fell in love is always pretty special.

The operative word being talk — reading a how we met story on a wedding website is torture.

“It was January 2011, and summer had well and truly taken hold. Albury Wodonga was the place — Pete had just moved to Claire’s home town to take up a position as a first year out teacher. Their eyes met across a crowded room.”

Spew. Spew. Spew.

Firstly, if I don’t know how you met then no need to invite me to your wedding because I don’t fancy dropping between $500-$1000 smackeroos to be at the nuptials of a near stranger.

Secondly, why is your blurb reading like it’s a chapter of The Notebook when in reality you, like a lot of people, met on Tinder and had your first date at the pub.

Not having a love story that should be made into a Hollywood rom com is nothing to be embarrassed by.

Don’t get me wrong, of course we want to come to your wedding to celebrate your love but attending your big day should not be stressful, financially or otherwise.

Unless your name is Harry or Meghan just chill out.

Jill Poulsen is a Courier-Mail columnist.

@jill_poulsen

Originally published as Nobody cares about your wedding