My name’s a problem. But at least I’m not this kid

I’ve had my share of angst with a first name that’s hard to spell and a surname that’s launched 1000 punchlines, writes Siobhan Duck. But it could be worse. I could be called Abcde.

Shakespeare would have had us believe that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Pull the other one. That has never been the case.

In fairness, the great playwright never encountered people named after inanimate objects, exotic animals, grocery items or even a line-up of letters you’d find in a losing game of Scrabble.

I have heard of a couple who loved the name Kevin so much they not only gave their son this old-fashioned moniker but also called their daughter Nevik (that’s Kevin backwards).

A doctor friend of mine once told me about a patient who had named her kid “Fah-mahlee” after being inspired by the word she had seen on her newborn’s hospital crib. Apparently this new mum didn’t realise “female” was simply describing her daughter’s gender and thought the word looked pretty.

Yep, I thought I had seen and heard it all on the name front until this week when I read about the woman who named her daughter Abcde. It’s pronounced “Ab-si -dee” apparently but this is the least absurd part of the story. The lady from Texas and her alphabetical offspring made headlines when they sought — and received — an apology from an airline after staff mocked the five-year-old’s name as they boarded a plane at John Wayne Airport in California.

Traci Redford and her daughter Abcde, 5. Picture: ABC TV/ Supplied

Give me strength. Actually give Abcde strength. She’s going to need it to survive the playground with the name her parents so unkindly bestowed upon her. To expect anything else is just plain naive.

What I simply cannot understand is how this mother could be so thin-skinned about a bit of playful banter about what is surely a ridiculous name. If she can’t handle a few sniggers and wisecracks then she probably should have christened the poor mite Anne. Or Sarah.

Although the Annes and Sarahs of this world will soon find themselves alone in a classroom of Apples, Pilot Inspektas and Tigers, as increasing numbers of parents try to distinguish their offspring from their peers.

Believe it or not, little Abcde isn’t the only child wandering around with that name. In the US, at least 328 baby girls have been inflicted with Abcde since 2014. You can only imagine how many Qwertys are running around.

Yes, we are living in a time now where people long to do anything to stand out from the crowd, even if that means dooming an innocent young baby to a childhood of teasing and an adulthood of angst.

A Southwest Airline worker found Abcde's name amusing. Picture: ABC TV/ Supplied

I should know. As someone with the extremely difficult-to-spell first name of Siobhan and the easily mocked surname of Duck, I know all too well the burdens of carrying a difficult name. Let’s just say it is character-building.

As a kid I longed for a name as easy to pronounce and spell as the eight Kates in the classroom.

I dreamt, too, of the day when I would find my Mr Right — aka a Mr Smith, Jones or White — a sensibly named man. Someone who would free me from the shackles of predictable gags about Daffy or Donald or Plucka.

As it turned out, eligible Smiths were hard to come by, so I have learned to love my birth moniker, even if it means having to endure the daily drudgery of explaining myself to people. For the record it’s Irish and it’s pronounced Sha-vorn. Not Sibby-anne or Sy-o-ban.

I have learned to use “Siobhan” when phoning for takeaway after I fell afoul of a Chinese restaurant when I told them the order was “for Duck”. It was only when presented with a bill for more than $250 that I realised the waiter had included four whole Peking ducks in the bag.

I suspect little Abcde is in for a similar crash course in such matters. Because what’s in a name? An awful lot.

Siobhan Duck is a Herald Sun columnist.

@siobhanduck