David Mills: We’ve reached the celebrity tattoo tipping point
An entire generation of stars — looking at you Justin Bieber, Brooklyn Beckham, Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande — need to be saved from their own bad body art ideas, writes David Mills.
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Chris Hemsworth is not yet one of Australia’s official “living treasures,” but once he is — surely it’s just a matter of time — I think we need to slap a heritage preservation order on him.
Hemsworth, you see, is at the tattoo tipping point.
He currently has three reasonably discreet and not-too-embarrassing pieces of ink on his skin, namely his family’s initials on his wrist, a Doctor Seuss illustration on his inner biceps, and an Avengers logo on his ribcage.
They’re all filled with meaning and are a wonderful example of self-expression, etc, but he needs to stop now.
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The Thor star is truly a remarkably good-looking human being, possessing both Australia’s most handsome man-face (arguably), and Australia’s most impressive man-body (pretty much unarguably). He’s also an entertaining actor, and always seems like a nice, fun person in TV interviews and on his social media videos.
His canvas — so often on display in his movies and in those paparazzi snaps from the beaches near his Byron Bay home — is without blemish. It is a thing of beauty, and considerable envy, and needs nothing added to it.
So we can only hope Hemsworth’s wife Elsa Pataky (who herself sports five discreet and quite tasteful tattoos), or someone in his entourage, is on hand to advise him to stop with the ink now.
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My theory is that celebrities are more prone to making terrible tattoo choices than the average person, simply because they are often surrounded by obsequious yes-men and other hangers-on, and nobody tells them when their ideas are terrible.
Years ago, my friend Rob told me he wanted to get a massive tattoo of an eyeball on the palm of his hand, and I was vocal (maybe even downright rude) in my scorn for this idea. I’m not sure if my words had much effect, but years later, Rob’s palm remains tattoo-free, so I like to think that maybe I had a smidgen of influence. (You’re welcome mate. Beer soon?)
But clearly, a lot of celebrities have nobody on hand to give them such frank advice.
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Look at Justin Bieber’s tattooed torso, for example. Have you even seen such a gruesome mishmash of design themes, concepts and smudge?
The tragedy of Bieber’s ink is that it all went downhill so quickly. Within a few years, he went from smooth-skinned ephebe, through a stage when he sported some decent sleeves and a couple of dubious stand-alone inked icons, to the current scrambled mess. He maintains his coltish physique, but that wretched ink pulls all the focus.
Where Bieber was a few years ago, Brooklyn Beckham is right now.
The 20-year-old son of David and Victoria got his first tattoo at the age of 18, and in the space of two years has amassed more than 20. (His dad reportedly has in excess of 40.) While some of Brooklyn’s tatts are tiny, and others are quite striking in their own right — the aspiring photographer has a very cute and detailed camera inked on the inside of his arm — one cannot help but fear that at the rate he is going, he’ll end up coating his entire vanilla exterior with green paint by the time he’s 25.
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And that will be sad, because that is about the age when his brain will have formed fully.
I’m not being mean here. In most men, the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain needed for rational thinking — is not fully developed until the age of 25, which is why young guys are particularly susceptible to making reckless choices like dangerous drug taking, driving too fast and getting dodgy ink.
Maybe an awareness of this is driving the trend of the itty-bitty tattoo. Young stars including Cody Simpson (22), his girlfriend Miley Cyrus (26), and Ariana Grande (also 26) seem to have had a bet each way with their body art, going for the permanency of ink, but smaller in scale, almost as if they’re anticipating the day that they might want the thing scrubbed off.
Days ago, Cody and Miley took a trip to the tattoo parlour together to get complementary new ink — a bold move for a couple whose relationship is still in its infancy.
But the accumulation of tiny tatts can produce a piecemeal effect: a bit here and a bit there, and none of it making much sense when looked at together.
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By comparison, there can be something impressive about a larger piece. Look at the bold tribal designs of footballers Sonny Bill Williams or Israel Folau, or the rose that climbs across Scarlett Johansen’s shoulder blade, or even the phoenix that adorns Ben Affleck’s back: they’re more of a statement.
Then there’s that other celebrity tattoo trend of the moment: facial ink. It’s a statement too, I suppose, but invariably one I don’t want to contemplate for too long. There’s always that disturbing suspicion that, for whatever reason, the possessor of the facial tatt doesn’t think they will live long enough to actually regret it.
Fortunately, for celebs who do regret their ink, there is one of their own they can look to for inspiration: Mark Wahlberg.
During his early 20s (again with the early 20s!), as his career as a rapper and underwear model faltered and sputtered out, and before his career as a marquee movie star took off, Wahlberg accumulated some really bad tatts.
There was a Bob Marley face on one shoulder, his oversize initials on the other, and worst of all, a set of rosary beads adorning his neck and chest.
Wahlberg had his tattoos removed via laser surgery because he didn’t want his children to think they were a good idea, and because they were a pain to cover up for movie roles.
The more than 30 sessions under the laser appear to have worked wonders. Wahlberg remains in pretty phenomenal shape, and when he’s papped on the beach or appearing shirtless in a movie, the focus is on his rig, not a lame collection of tattoos from his early 20s.
Chris Hemsworth, please take note.
David Mills is a columnist for RendezView.com.au
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