Be afraid: Magpie season is upon us once more

AS a uniquely Australian problem, dealing with our swooping native demons calls for special tactics. And after years of being caught off guard, I’ve finally got a plan, writes Jill Poulsen.

IT’S HARD to think of anything more degrading than being swooped by a magpie.

Screaming like a banshee while trying to duck down with my arms flailing over my head turned a simple stroll to the shops for some milk into a humiliating experience, as families in the park laughed at my misfortune.

Spring in Queensland might offer some of the best weather around but it’s also when humble magpie turns from friend to foe defending their chicks.

The Department of Environment and science has received 16 inquiries about swooping magpies across the state since July 2018.

But online magpie alert sites have logged at least 71 attacks around Queensland in the past week alone.

A spokesman for the department said the swooping usually stopped once the left the nest, which can take six to eight weeks from when the eggs were laid.

“It might be tempting to run or fight back when a magpie attacks but this can further aggravate the bird and cause it to attack more fiercely,” he said.

Don’t run. Don’t fight back.

So what the experts expect us to do is just cop it sweet from the black and white bombers but I’m not having it.

The first way to tell these interlopers whose boss is to carry a tennis racquet with you at all times. (Pic: Supplied)

Here are some tips to help you deal with an aggressive maggie.

1. Tennis racquet

Apparently magpies are fairly cowardly fellows so if you’re looking at them they won’t attack you. That’s why see people making boobs of themselves with sticky eyes all over their hats.

I’m interested in avoiding humiliation so I’ve taken to carrying a tennis racket with me past hot spots.

Let me be clear, I’m not advocating anyone smash a maggie with a backhand Serena Williams style rather let them bounce off your racket if they get too close.

You can always wave it around your head and people will just think you’re warming up before a game.

Definitely don’t hurt the maggies, that’s not on.

2. Use small children

Kids are hardly ever useful unless you need to get them to crawl into a small space to retrieve something for you but I got this idea from particularly clever dad at the park.

He seemed to let his little fellas run the gauntlet first to see if any magpies attacked.

Don’t worry, he wasn’t completely callous, they were wearing helmets with zip ties poking up on it to keep them safe.

Once the coast was clear he strolled down the path with not a care in the world.

Absolutely brilliant.

I don’t have any kids of my own but if you’re in the market for a babysitter look me up.

Don’t be fooled, these beauties are not your friends. (Pic: supplied)

3. Move house

It’s an extreme thing to do but if you live your life in constant fear of having your eye pecked out pulling up stumps and moving somewhere else might be worth it.

Alternatively you could hibernate in your own home for the six weeks it takes for the babies to fly the coop.

If your work offers flexible work arrangements work from home and just order food — make the delivery drivers brave the attacks.

I lived in a street once that really should have been bulldozed after the magpies took over.

It was like living in a war zone, never knowing when something would drop from the skies and start attacking you.

Not convinced the local maggies wouldn’t go through the mail and get hold of my forwarding address I moved interstate, apparently they don’t like planes.

True story.

4. Match its intensity

This is solid advice when dealing with anything aggressive, not just birds.

When I magpie make a beeline for your melon hold your ground and start yelling things like “come on then, I’ve been to jail mate, I’m not afraid to go back.”

Team it up with some wild gesticulating and watch it flap away shaking in its little magpie boots

It’s probably best not to do it if you’re in an area frequented by kids because you don’t want them running of and dobbing you in as a crazy person to their parents.

Dodging magpies is a uniquely Australian problem and deserves a uniquely Australian response — not coward punching them — but lying down and taking it won’t do either.

Jill Poulsen is a Courier-Mail senior writer.

@jill_poulsen

Originally published as Be afraid: Magpie season is upon us once more