An open letter to Festival Hall: we need you
THE bulldozers of developers may be circling Festival Hall, but here’s why we need to save it, writes Herald Sun music guru Mikey Cahill.
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Dear Festival Hall,
Hi. How’s things?
Have I told you lately that I love you? You’re vastly underrated.
Festering Hole is such a harsh nickname.
I saw you recently at the Queens of the Stone Age concert and you were in fine form (all photographers escaped unscathed).
Sure, you took two songs to get going but then, phwoarrrr, you looked and sounded incredible, like a hotted-up 1977 Holden Monaro roaring to life, yellow sparks flying, reminding all 5445 of us in attendance just how special you are.
Gosh, it was only last week I sent a colleague along to BBE’s FOMO show there with Kaytranada, Post Malone and Sza (all game-changers).
It was a completely different vibe to the barnburner QOTSA show. His text summed it up neatly: “Post Malone killed it.”
I probably shouldn’t have use the word “barnburner,” sorry. After all, you did burn down in 1955 #toosoon.
That’s okay, though, you’re more resilient than people give you credit for and you were back up and firing like a true-blue bruiser for wrestling and boxing matches in The House of Stoush before the 1956 Olympics.
In 1998, I saved up my pocket money from working at Sanity Fountain Gate to see Radiohead play on their OK Computer tour.
We sat there, giddy with excitement, taking bets on which song the Oxford art-rockers would open with. Nobody picked Lucky (a left field choice) but that’s exactly how we felt (yes, I’m getting cheesy and emotional) when Jonny Greenwood played those blue, watery guitar chords and Thom Yorke threatened “I’m on a role, I’m on a role this time, I feel like my luck could change.”
Later on, I found out Radiohead sound-checked inside you for five hours before the gig.
See, you just need a bit of time.
Faith No More’s Mike Patton did a somersault stage dive there.
And then there was that life-changing Soundgarden show.
Portishead brought in giant LED screens and projected fast-forwarded footage of them driving around their home town (yep, Portishead). A little slice of the U.K. effectively set up residence for a one night trip hop festival and you, appropriately, made that possible. Beth Gibbons voice cut through the smoke-machined and ganja-soaked air.
Speaking of pioneering English artists, The Chemical Brothers brought their face-melting big beat sounds to you in 2002 and had everyone dancing wildly, even those upstairs facing the stage in the seated section. “Hey boy, hey girl, superstar DJs, here we go!!!!” we all yelled.
My dad tells me he caught Roy Orbison at the top of his game at your house in the ‘60s. The Big O crooned through Pretty Woman, Crying and Work and only said two words to the crowd all night: “Thank you.”
We need you, Festival Hall, because you’re just the right size.
Not too heavy (Rod Laver Arena, Sidney Myer Music Bowl, AAMI Park, Etihad, you’ve got this covered), not too light (Palais, Max Watts, The Forum, Corner Hotel, thanks for always stepping up), you’re just right. In fact, Liam Gallager’s recent show was upgraded from The Forum to you play inside you, sweet dame, because of demand. As you were.
As for your new rival, Margaret Court Arena, I mean, who wants to support that backwards thinking fool? More trouble than she’s worth.
A couple of things you may not know about yourself.
You’re the last standing venue in Australia that The Beatles played in; the year was 1964. Just ask longstanding fan Molly Meldrum, who was so overcome he couldn’t actually stand up (legend has it he fainted outside on Dudley Street. Beatlemania = all too much).
You’re the only venue that a boxer has both fought in and been farewelled in. You hosted Lionel Rose’s 1968 championship fight then his funeral in 2011. What versatility.
You’re the place where nearly 6000 punters want to come together, sweat a lot and join in the communion of song.
Did you know when choirs sing together that their heartbeats sync up? Kind of sexy isn’t it.
“Today is gonna be the day, that they’re gonna throw it back to you.”
Regarding the many apartments proposed, I know it’s not you, it’s them.
The consensus is “the owners are cashing in/out” and that’s just not right.
The Wren family should know better. John Wren built you in 1915 and he’d be rolling in his grave if he heard about these poppycock plans.
The last time something similar happened it was your old mate The Metro, sorry, The Palace
Theatre on Bourke Street.
And what’s happened since they demolished it? Sweet FA.
It gathers dust each day as trams ding by and commuters shake their heads at the waste of space.
You don’t wanna sit around twiddling your thumbs while nobody builds apartments on top of you and some developer uses the word “brand experience” as he taps away at your guts.
Looking around this Great Southern Land, Brisbane’s Festival Hall is being rebuilt by a philanthropist in Fortitude Valley to the tune of $43 million. A new hope. Sydney is in the
doldrums with their draconian liquor licensing laws. We need you to set a good example.
Melbourne is one of the world’s live music capitals for a reason.
Again, tell your parents what a shortsighted idea this is, they’ll get the message if we all tell them together and give you a voice.
You’re far from perfect, that’d be boring.
You’re a hot mess.
And that’s why we keep coming back, you’ve got history, you’ve got stories, you’ve got vibe.
So please, stick around for us, Festival Hall.
We need you for your creaky seats, scuffed wooden floor and rib-rattling Marshall speaker stacks.
We’ll be making a concert-ed effort to SLAM these plans.
Love,
Melbourne
P.S. We promise to never call you Festering Hole again.
michael.cahill@news.com.au @joeylightbulb
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