Why grey divorce is rising and the key steps to ensure you survive and prosper
The end of a longstanding relationship doesn’t have to mean despair and loneliness — it can also herald a bright new beginning, writes relationship expert Kiz Harvey.
Celebrity splits fascinate us because they shine a light on what’s already happening in quiet suburbs everywhere. Headlines are swirling about Keith and Nicole, not long after the shock of Hugh and Deb.
Both marriages looked “perfect” (whatever that means) and lasted decades. They also mirror a bigger shift – overall divorce rates are falling while later-life or “grey divorce” is steadily rising.
My own marriage ended suddenly as I was about to turn 50. Decades together. Blindsided. One child in the final year of school and the other off the rails. There was no handbook, it felt like being stuck in a washing machine with no end in sight. And when the spin cycle finally stopped, there was no guidebook on how to be single again.
The last time I’d dated, phones were bricks and porn was hard to find.
The new world was foreign. I learned the hard way, and this is what helped.
Why grey divorce is rising (and why we should talk about it)
Marriage began as a transaction (hundreds of years ago) – your family has land, mine has cattle, let’s prosper. Then came the mid-century romance era – love, the nuclear family, happily ever after.
Now we are more individual, busy finding meaning and focusing on personal growth.
We’re living longer. No-fault divorce exists.
Women have more financial independence and research shows women initiate most divorces nowadays.
Children leave home and the empty nest appears – couples realise they are not compatible or don’t want to stay in a relationship that won’t evolve. Technology plays its part too – infidelities exposed on kiss-cams and cloud sharing that syncs “private” messages on to the family iPad. Lawyers can tell you how many matters begin with a notification popping up in the wrong hands.
We don’t talk about later-life separation much but we should because it comes with different stakes.
Adult children still feel the quake, and the awkwardness of parents dating comes with it. Assets are far more complex when you have shared a life together for many years.
Over 50 means there is less financial runway and a denser tapestry to unpick – homes, super, trusts, businesses and sometimes health/capacity can be significant issues.
It becomes less about blame and more about how to create a new life and second act.
What to know before you call a lawyer
Ask around and speak to a reputable family lawyer to understand your rights. With hope and luck, you may not need to use a lawyer in the final divorce process but it is important to know the legalities and have a solicitor briefed in case there is escalation to litigation.
Better options include negotiated settlement, mediation or collaborative practice.
Understanding your finances is an act of self-care. Even in a happy marriage you should know about the family assets and liabilities, who controls them and what the balances are.
Secure copies of tax returns, super statements, mortgages and loans.
Build a clear picture of what it costs you to live life. Incomings/outgoings. Get clear and stay calm. Open your own bank account and have access to a personal debit/credit card in case finances are cut off.
Also and importantly, protect your digital life. I was hacked. Private emails, including financial and legal notes were shared without consent. Change passwords. Turn on multi-factor authentication. Separate cloud storage. Check location sharing and update recovery details for Apple/Google.
And do the boring paperwork that might control your future – super beneficiaries, life insurance nominees, powers of attorney, enduring guardianship and your will.
If you ignore this, you can accidentally gift your ex more than you bargained for.
Assemble a small advisory team at a minimum and even with little money to spend, get a good GP, a therapist or support group, a financial adviser and a lawyer you can relate to. Fame and fortune aside, celebrity couples do this too.
Get advice from the professionals but remember to rally your friends and take the hugs. It’s tempting to rehearse and repeat your ex’s faults but focus more on your future and keep the break-up story short and true.
Bagging your ex says more about you than it does about them.
The first months: How I survived
The road through felt endless and dark.
I focused on three things every day – sleep, move, eat.
I set my alarm for the same time. On waking, a short meditation and a written gratitude practice, especially on days when I felt anything but grateful.
I walked outside, often to watch the sunrise.
I shopped at the local farmers’ market for real food and ate regularly even though my appetite disappeared. I reached out to a few close friends when bunkering-in felt easier.
I faked it until I made it. Those small, low-key acts laid the foundation for a much bigger shift.
Once the shock softened, I made my home my own. I changed the photos, bought pink sheets, lit candles and kept flowers around.
As I started to get my energy back, I turned outward and edited my wardrobe – especially underwear. Out went the old bloomers and in came beautiful lingerie sets that reminded me I could still be a sexy woman with a future. Trivial? Not at all. It changed the way I felt and presented to the world.
I also set myself small weekly goals like enrolling in a course, applying for a job/volunteering or planning a weekend away. Small things that set my direction forward and not fixed on the past.
Dating again (and the new landscape)
When I first dated my ex, mobile phones resembled bricks. Dating again in my 50s was like learning a new language. Apps. Ghosting. Consent that must be explicit and ongoing (good). Sex in older bodies. Menopause, changing libidos, erectile dysfunction.
I learned to talk about it clearly and without apology. Honesty turned out to be sexier than pretending. It was also an education in boundaries – my time, my safety, my standards.
Old keys of people-pleasing and over-functioning no longer opened the doors I wanted to walk through. New keys of clarity, kindness and fun did.
I’m not where I expected to be, but I am making the most of where I am. I look back on my marriage and our beautiful family as a success. Although it may not feel like it now for Keith and Nicole, their 19 years together should be considered a success that created two lovely daughters.
Later-life divorce is not failure, it can be a redesign. The house we built together served its purpose and now I am designing something new and just for me.
I am keeping the rooms that still work like friendship, family, respect and adding a few I never imagined that include quiet, purpose and joy.
If you are at the beginning, take a breath. Choose the life you want, protect your foundations and build the small habits that carry you forward. In the hard times remember – old keys won’t open new doors. Boundaries are the keys. Connection is the door. Open it. ■
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Originally published as Why grey divorce is rising and the key steps to ensure you survive and prosper
