‘What may look OK on the outside may not be OK on the inside’: Olympian reveals private battle

The Paris Olympics are more than a medal chase for Conor Nicholas. They are about laying demons to rest after the loss of a sister “with the biggest smile in the world”.

Conor Nicholas racing at last year’s Test event in Marseille. He will race the mixed 470 dinghy with good ate Nia Jerwood in France.

When Conor Nicholas was called into a meeting in France he feared he wasn’t going to be able to race because of an injury. He wasn’t prepared for his heart to break.

When his father told him over the phone his older sister Brittany – someone so special she “took everyone’s breath away” – had lost her mental health battle, Nicholas’s life changed forever.

“She was 24. She had struggled for eight years. I was younger and didn’t quite understand. I alway thought it was just being a teenager, I just didn’t understand,” says the now 26-year-old Nicholas.

Conor with his sister Brittany. Picture: Supplied

He’s in the French southern port city of Marseille to make his Olympic debut in the mixed 470 class, with good friend Nia Jerwood next month.

“I was on a train and a plane heading home within hours. That was when the spiral began.

“I didn’t know how to handle it, what to think, I was in and out of crying, I was in a blur. Time didn’t exist.

“We knew it was always a matter of how hard we could fight for her and I was away and not able to help and I found the guilt in that. I blamed my sailing for not being there.”

Knocked off course by the terrible loss in 2017, Nicholas became someone he wasn’t proud of, drank too much, lost his way and struggled to deal with the tragedy.

“I didn’t behave the way an athlete should. I went out too many nights and didn’t do the right things, didn’t set a good example of what an athlete should be,” Nicholas says.

He didn’t just stop smiling, he stopped sailing.

“I took a year off to find myself. I was angry, pushed friends away, family away, avoided a lot of things,” says Nicholas, who has sailed from the age of five and still has wonderful memories of racing beside his big sister.

But with invaluable help from a psychologist, support from his family and friends – many of whom will be in Marseille – Nicholas slowly started to heal.

“I learned what made me tick, what stopped me accepting what happened to my sister, beating myself up for years,” he says.

“People told me it wasn’t my fault but I felt it was. The hard part was to accept it wasn’t my fault, this was her thing.”

Conor with partner Zoe Bailey. Picture: Instagram

With support from girlfriend Zoe Bailey – “she’s just incredible, she really believes in me” – he also found space in his heart for sailing again.

Three years ago, as Jerwood prepared to race the women’s 470 at the delayed Tokyo Olympics, Nicholas sent her a message from Broome where he was based at the time.

“I said, when you get time, do you want to think about doing the next Olympics with me? I think she told me to P off. She was very polite about it though as Nia is,” he says of Jerwood, a long-time sailing friend from Perth, where he sailed at the Royal Freshwater Bay Yacht Club.

In the wake of her Tokyo campaign in an all-female crew, the pair spoke and decided to give the new 470 mixed dinghy class a shot at the Paris Games.

“Sailing did help me get through some of the worst days of my life,’’ Nicholas says.

“It’s given me a second chance to be a sailor and the person I want to be.”

Nicholas and Jerwood have raced their lead-up regattas with a pink band on their spinnaker in memory of Brittany, with a number of other sailors in the 470 class also adopting the tribute.

“She was vibrant and bright and pink was her favourite colour,’’ says Nicholas, who also has a B tattooed on his ribs.

“There are memories which remind me of the good times but she’s always there with me. She’s helped me learn you have to find the good in the bad. To find something to make your smile.”

Conor Nicholas and Nia Jerwood. Picture: Beau Outteridge / Australian Sailing Team

Nicholas says being in France for his first Olympics has significance.

“I love this sport; I am addicted to it and France has a meaning for me because it’s where I was when she passed,” he says.

“Me and France have a score to settle and I know she would just have loved to see me here.”

By sharing his story Nicholas says he wants people to know there is no shame in admitting not everything is always OK. That help can be found, not to waste a second of life and to always follow your dreams.

“The big learning from this experience is when something like this happens – it doesn't have to be death, just a hard time – it’s best to just acknowledge it. I didn’t and I blamed myself,” he says.

“That we can go though dark periods but you have to try to find the fight and don’t let things stop you.

“My sister would not have wanted me to stop sailing. She would have come and got me sorted if she thought I’d given up.

“What I want people to be aware of is that what may look OK on the outside may not be OK on the inside.

“So take the time to say ‘how are you going’ and mean it. And be brave and say how hard things are if they are.”

He sees these messages as Brittany’s legacy to him and those who loved her.

“She was a special person,” he says.

“There were some rough times and scary times with her but my best memories of her are her smile. She had the biggest smile in the world.

“She could light up a room and was always the life of the party. I was a little jealous of that. I miss it.”

Jerwood and Nicholas’s Olympic regatta in the debut event begins on day seven of the Games.

The competition involves 10 races before a double point scoring medal race for the top 10 boats overall at the end of the fleet racing determines the gold, silver and bronze winners.

The pair are part of a 12-strong Australian sailing team with ILCA 7 sailor Matt Wearn the leading contender for gold as the defending Olympic champion.

Jerwood and Wearn are the only two returning members of the Tokyo Olympic sailing team in Marseille.

If you or someone you know needs help, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au

Originally published as ‘What may look OK on the outside may not be OK on the inside’: Olympian reveals private battle