Deadline: The very niche skill South Melbourne’s Pineapples Lifestyle Club is looking for

Eager patrons ready to be first through the door at South Melbourne’s “purpose built” swingers club can expect a literal shock — among a range of other unique sensations.

The new South Melbourne home of Pineapples Lifestyle Bar. Picture: Jake Nowakowski

Olivia Jenkins and Mark Buttler with their weekly dose of scallywag scuttlebutt.

Swingers charged up

Are you an expert in electrostimulation or wax play?

Because those who are might have the qualifications to be on staff at the city’s newest “purpose built” swingers club, where the opening night countdown has ticked down to two months and 11 days.

Excited patrons eager to be the first ones through the door at South Melbourne’s Pineapples Lifestyle Bar will be watching the clock, among them people apparently keen to have some kind of sexual jumper leads attached to their private parts.

Plans for the “sex on premises” venue drew the ire of other local businesses, who say the suburb had already become Melbourne’s erotic “epicentre”.

But the team behind the proposed adult playground has not been deterred by nay-saying locals, with the venue instead calling for expressions of interest from dancers and performers with expertise in down-under delights such as wax play, electrostimulation and strip teases.

For those who are new to the area, we’ll trust the Wikipedia material on erotic electrostimulation.

It describes it as “a sexual practice involving the application of electrical stimulation to nerves of the body, with particular emphasis on the genitals”.

The clients at Melbourne’s soon-to-open swingers club can expect a buzz.

It may sound a bit freaky to some but clearly someone gets a buzz out of it.

For those of more sedate inclinations, there is entertainment ranging from cabaret, comedy and DJ sets to trivia, drag shows and musical theatre.

But Pineapples Lifestyle Bar is just the latest example innovation in Melbourne’s late night venues.

Deadline recently stumbled across a Melbourne brothel holding Friday night barbecues for its clientele.

Of course, it all makes sound business sense when you’re operating in one of the city’s most competitive sex industry precincts.

High time to clean up parks

Residents of one inner-city suburb have reported the emergence of a new community driven initiative that did not receive the green light from the local council.

Park benches and picnic tables have been littered with kits — including needles and tourniquets, both used and unused — to help people get to the pointy end of drug ingestion.

The kits have surfaced at various dog parks and walking trails in the area, with locals worried the needles could wind up in the hands of children or in the mouths of free-running dogs in off-leash areas.

“They are everywhere,” one reader told Deadline.

The source of the dodgy kits remains unclear, but the consumption of illegal substances — several suburbs away from the Richmond injecting room — has become an open secret in the area.

One of the kits left on a park bench.

Residents in the inner-city council area have found the kits left throughout dog parks and on walking tracks.

That’s not what I ordered

The Anzac Day long weekend was no doubt a big one for the many Victorians who used the three-day break to sink a few more pints than their usual intake might permit.

As thousands of patrons stumbled in and out of pubs across the state, one woman bit off more than she could chew after adopting a liquid diet for the day that put her more than three times over the alcohol limit.

The 56-year-old Somerville woman had pulled up erratically at a Mornington drive-thru where she was moments away from receiving the greasy treat she had ordered.

Instead, police were ready to offer up the taste of something lighter that wasn’t on the menu.

The officers pulled up to investigate her driving before she blew .149 on a breath test back at the police station and had her car impounded.

With the woman to be charged on summons for her potentially dangerous fast food faux pas, the long weekend will surely be one to remember, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Gerard Kennedy on the cover of TV Week magazine. Picture: Supplied.

Kennedy was a legend of the Aussie small screen. Picture: IMDB

Late Kennedy a force for good

Gerard Kennedy, who died last week at age 93, was an actor of rare distinction.

The Australian entertainment industry giant won two Gold Logies playing detective Frank Banner in the 1970s hit television series Division 4.

After his death, the Herald Sun comments section carried evidence of the impression he made on at least one young reader.

Someone called John credited Kennedy with sowing the seed of his own real-life career in the force.

“I don’t want this to sound strange but I watched Homicide and as a 12 year old met him on a scene shoot in Blackburn. He stopped and told me to be a good lad ... Part of the reason I became a Police Detective and locked up crooks. VALE Detective Banner,” John wrote.

Crime drama aficionados will remember Kennedy from another landmark Aussie show.

He played with distinction the role of Melbourne gangland figure Graeme Kinniburgh in Underbelly.

From all accounts, he did a fine job of capturing the persona of the old Painter and Docker and safebreaker who was a luminary of the city’s organised crime landscape.

Fuel fool’s fail

For every criminal mastermind in our community, there are many, many more crooks with room temperature IQs.

Yet another example recently unfolded late at night at an outer western suburbs service station/convenience store.

A customer was walking back to his car loaded up with a huge block of toilet roll and some other groceries.

A deep-throat source – speaking on condition of anonymity because he didn’t want his name in the paper – said the shopper was then confronted by a “crazed druggie” brandishing a screwdriver and demanding his wallet.

The victim explained his arms were full and asked if the man with the Sidchrome could hold his groceries while he dug the cash out of his pocket.

Predictably, the victim then carried out his crime prevention strategy, a quick left-right combo which decked the would-be bandit.

“The police arrived soon after and everyone had a laugh, with the exception of old mate, who was out cold,” our spy said.