Deadline: ‘Arrest that barber’: Magistrate calls out crime of fashion

The average magistrate comes face to face with some of Victoria’s ugliest crimes, but nothing could prepare this one for the work of a jailhouse barber.

The Victorian magistrate was appalled with the work of the jailhouse barber.

Mark Buttler and Andrew Rule with their weekly dose of scallywag scuttlebutt.

Haircut so bad it’s criminal

When some of the state’s most troubled kids end up in Parkville Youth Justice Centre, they get three square meals a day, a firm mattress, and access to a taxpayer funded barber.

But it doesn’t always keep them on the straight and narrow, or with a short back and sides.

One of those kids, a 14-year-old, appeared in court this week after three weeks behind bars. As he sat down in the dock, the magistrates look concerned. For legal reasons, the poor child’s hairstyle cannot be described, but there just aren’t really the words for it anyway.

“I don’t like that haircut. I’ll get my own scissors and have a go myself,” the magistrate said.

When told that kids at Parkville have access to a barber, without parental oversight, the Magistrate was aghast.

“Can you arrest that barber and bring him in here so I can have a talk to him?”

After releasing the one-kid-crimewave back into the community with a few stern words, Her Honour the fashion critic said she hoped the machete-wielding youth would get his life, and his sense of style, back on track.

“Can someone take him to a hairdresser and have another go?”

Bronzed shoes sequel

Never let it be said that Deadline ducks dishing the dirt or shirks difficult stories.

It emerged last week that a Coles shopper at Westfield Geelong, Kerry Mutke, had come to grief after slipping on a turd left in store on the floor.

The Geelong Advertiser, under the delicate headline CLEAN-UP IN AISLE POO, outlined how Ms Mutke had gone A over T after slipping on the stinking safety hazard.

Waste was left smeared on her shoes and around the store after a staff member allegedly rolled a trolley through the mess.

Ms Mutke said she went into shock after the May 8 mishap and is upset at having been declined compensation.

Now, a deep-throat contact has been prepared to relay the story behind what is a truly awful code brown.

The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of fears for his safety, said a toddler had “backed one out” in the aisle.

The child’s mother was asked by staff to clean up the offensive mess but she declined.

The source said staff then went to get some cleaning materials and, as that happened, Ms Mutke was unlucky enough to come through and hit the skids.

Our source, who’s not any kind of lawyer, said he thought Ms Mutke was hard done by not to be compensated.

“There appears to be a prima faeces case against Coles,” he said. To think we never suspected he knew any Latin.

Dirty duffers fleece battlers

As though things aren’t tough enough on the land, criminals are doing their best to make things worse.

There has been a succession of big stock thefts of late, the most recent at Strathlea in central Victoria where $12,000 worth of merino sheep were loaded up after dark on May 21.

An Iveco dual rear wheel van towing a light-blue enclosed trailer carried the animals away from a loading area off Browns Track.

Police have released images of three men they’d like to talk to about the heist and it’s probably fair to say they don’t look much like anyone’s idea of the Jolly Swagman.

Investigators believe the sheep were taken to Melbourne’s outer suburbs.

“Theft of stock is a serious offence in regional Victoria, causing significant grief and costing thousands of dollars to hardworking farmers,” a Victoria Police statement said.

Anyone with information can call Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000 or visit crimestoppersvic.com.au.

Images of three men, a vehicle and trailer being sought by police as part of a sheep theft inquiry.

Lair pays the price

Busting out a mono is probably never a great idea on a public road, even less so when cops are about.

A motorcyclist learnt that lesson on the weekend when reached speeds of more than 200kmh on Plenty Rd, Mill Park.

Officers from Greensborough highway patrol were even less impressed when he did a U-turn then headed past them up on one wheel.

Unfortunately for the 23-year-old from South Morang, he was rounded up not long after and hit with a range of charges, including conduct endangering life.

His red 2020 BMW S1000 was impounded.

Police seized this bike from a hoon who popped a high-speed mono in front of them on Plenty Rd, Mill Park

Hot food

This column may have put the “mozz” on Spanian, the wildly popular YouTuber and former career criminal.

Last week we reported that his latest venture was a kebab truck on Bell St, Preston, and predicted it was pretty safe because it wasn’t selling illicit tobacco or acai.

Wrong.

In the early hours of Saturday, arsonists struck and set the truck alight.

It appears the damage was minimal and Team Spanian had the thing back up and running before the weekend finished.