The 12 universal truths of the school playground

A teacher that everyone universally loves, a fleeting obsession with handball, the visiting theatre troupe that loves audience participation - these are the 12 truths of school life.

The year has begun and so too a brand new school year as children across Australia prepare to surreptitiously chuck out their lunches from their school ports. Or bags, depending on which state they are receiving their education in.

Geography will also dictate whether they wear togs, cozzies, bathers or swimmers to the pool, whether they eat potato scallops or cakes, and whether or not they’ll ever be able to afford their own home within 300km of the CBD.

But despite these vernacular differences, there are some things that remain the same in school playgrounds across Australia.

As a former school kid myself, as well as a former primary school teacher and now parent, I believe these are they.

Everyone loves Mr Mac.

Thank you to my two teenagers’ mates who also contributed to this list. Let me know if you have any more …

● In your school career, there will be one teacher who everyone universally loves. This teacher’s name will be Mr Mac.

● There will be one year in your school life when the entire school will go crazy for handball. Usually Year 5, 7 or Year 12, where there will be an unexpected resurgence.

● You will be – no matter your ability – forced to run in the compulsory school cross country. This will be held on the hottest day of the year.

● Every now and again, a visiting theatre troupe will come to your school. They will be wearing black leotards. While watching the theatre troupe, half the class will be enthralled, the other half will be thinking the entire time, “Please don’t pick me, please don’t pick me.”

● During your school life, there will be at least one scandal at your school involving two teachers.

● The first time you see one of your teachers out of a school setting, it will be like spotting Migaloo, the white whale.

No tuckshop for you, like that other kid who gets it every single day.

● You will search, “How to get a six pack” the night before the school swimming carnival.

● There will be one kid who is allowed tuckshop every single day, instead of one day a week like you are. This day will be Friday.

● You will have one favourite item from the school tuckshop you will love for your entire school life. My daughter just told me hers is gnocchi, which just shows you how much tuckshops have changed since my school days, where our choice was sausage roll or pie.

● At least once in your school career, you will be asked to deliver a message to the school’s staffroom. This will feel vaguely thrilling, but prove a disappointment once you actually see it.

● When you begin school, you will be assigned a House, and a colour. You will swear undying allegiance to this House, disparage all the others, and never really know why. My enemies, for example, remain anyone from Poxley Oxley, Cinders Flinders, or Sturt Dirt.

● At least once, one of the parents will demand the tuckshop serve healthier food. This parent’s child will immediately take on a new surname.

If you’re lucky you will make a lifelong friend at school.

Your school years will prove the adage “The days are slow, but the years are fast”.

If you are lucky, you will leave with at least one lifelong friend, words of comfort or encouragement from one teacher who saw who you really were, and the golden memory of the day your parent or carer said to you: “Oh, I can’t be bothered making lunch today, just get tuckshop.”

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Originally published as The 12 universal truths of the school playground