Nikki Osborne: What your favourite workout secretly says about you

Gyms aren’t the same as they used to be, with one annoying trend well and truly becoming more common.

Nikki Osborne has revealed what form of exercise says about you.

I have tried many forms of exercise over the years and I’ve realised that, for the most part, birds of a feather exercise together.

Now this might seem like I’m sticking the boot in, which I am, but here are the stereotypes of what your choice of exercise says about you.

●Jogging:You’re the lazy fit person. Like you’re committed to being fit but only if it involves running out of your front door in your daggies. You draw the line at having to buy fancy activewear and join a “gym”. Bugger that. That cuts into your prosecco drinking time.

A woman is seen jogging beside the Brisbane River at Kangaroo Point in Brisbane.

●F45: You’re also aware of letting fitness cut into your leisure time so you sign up for the F45 on your street corner. You treat fitness like your love life with your husband: get in, get her done, get out, get to the nail salon.

●CrossFit: Hello, fad lover! CrossFit lovers are the most committed to building their fitness, for now. CrossFit people are like born again religious folk … once they start feeling that endorphin spirit they try to convert everyone they know. They start preaching that nobody knows fitness like they do. I call it Jehovah’s fitness. Oh, and Instagram isn’t safe either. Every second post is footage of them pushing things across the room … which I guess will come in handy one day if their car breaks down.

●Gym: I remember when gyms used to be about fitness, whereas now they appear to be about your next Instagram post. Like I’m sure there’s fitness being had, but I only ever seem to see the videos of people from behind, with their Lycra clad booty sticking out, hair and make-up immaculate, with the hashtag: working up a sweat. The irony, however, is there’s never a bead of sweat on them at the time of the photo. Perhaps they sweat later when they only get 15 likes on their gym photo that took an hour to get.

Young Latin couple dancing tango in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

● Latin dancing:Way to save the marriage!! Dance lessons are for the type of person who has either decided they need to bond more with their spouse and so book Latin classes or they realise they can’t stand their spouse so book Latin classes without them so they can dance with a hottie. Either way, an itch is being scratched and you’re saving the marriage.

●Hip hop classes:OK, sister, it’s not the ’90s anymore but you don’t care because when you crank that music in your Prado on the school run you are gangster. Well, in your head anyway. No matter how co-ordinated you are, middle-aged white people will never look cool popping and locking in their local hall. Just ask RayGun. But whatever, at least you’re releasing that spirit animal in a private space and sparing your kids the humiliation of posting it on Insta.

● Swimming:Swimming is for those people who are sick of everyone else’s drama, because what a swimmer knows is once you don that cap and goggles and submerge your head under that water … you can’t hear anyone! It’s bliss! It’s just you, in your lane, under the water and not a single bastard can ruin your Zen.

Swimming is bliss, writes Nikki Osborne.

●Mixed netball: You’re totally in a marriage where she wears the pants and is the president of every school committee and yet she still finds the time to remove your balls and whack a bib on you. And you love it! Aside from the fear of rolling your ankles and not being able to work for the next month, you actually secretly enjoy playing netball because you were never much of a dribbler in basketball so this ball chucking game suits your skill level just fine.

Originally published as Nikki Osborne: What your favourite workout secretly says about you