Fran Whiting: I’ll never get used to being cold in Queensland

Like a Game of Thrones episode we knew winter was coming and now that it’s here it feels like Queenslanders are whinging more than usual about how cold is is, writes Fran Whiting.

Frost on Brisbane's southside. Photo: South Brisbane Storms

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s a wee bit nippy in Queensland.

Where I live in Brisbane it’s been pretty chilly, as evidenced by the smoke curling above many of the houses from the homes with fireplaces. And, of course you’ve noticed how brisk it is in our state, because a peculiar thing happens to we Queenslanders during a cold spell.

Firstly, we behave as if we did not see Winter coming – wherever I go, someone will ask me “Can you believe how cold it is?”, and I have to refrain from answering “I can actually, what with being the old winter time that happens every year, and all that”, and secondly we are not good at it. Queenslanders are not good at winter. There, I’ve said it, and I don’t care.

As I write, a woman has just walked past my window wearing what can only be described as an arctic expedition outfit. She looked like she was about to film a David Attenborough documentary on emperor penguins. At least I think it was a woman, underneath her beanie, woollen scarf, puffer jacket, puffer vest, gloves, long pants, and boots, honestly it was hard to tell. It could have been David Attenborough for all I know.

When I ran into one of my neighbours at the service station, he told me he was there because they were “running out of firewood”. Running out of firewood? I’m sorry, are we in Vladivostok? Are we about to fell a bison for the winter? “Ha, ha”, I answered him, “running out of firewood? You’ll be burning your furniture next!” He looked at me morosely and said “I know”, then told me they were also running out of fire starters at Woolworths.

Please, people, get it together, we are not about to be snowed in for the winter, and while we are at it, please dress accordingly.

In Winter, Queenslanders are divided between those who overdress, like the woman who walked past my window – probably on her way to buy a set of snowshoes to complete the outfit – and those who underdress. You know those people, they’re the blokes standing in the corner at the party shivering in their singlet and shorts. “Didn’t expect it to be this cold”, they’ll say, and again I have to refrain from saying “Really? Don’t own a calendar? Same time every year.”

Actually, there’s a sub category of Queenslanders here, I’ve just realised.

It’s the blokes – and I’m sorry to be sexist, but it is usually the blokes – who take pride in not wearing warm clothes, and pretend they don’t notice the cooler temperature at all. “Yeah, nah, doesn’t affect me mate”, they’ll say, “I don’t feel the cold actually’.

They will say this even as they are visibly shivering and they will stick to this even if it did actually start snowing, which it rarely does. Unless you’re in the Darling Downs or the Granite Belt – now the people who live in these regions can legitimately complain about the cold.

I look forward to your letters correcting me about Queensland’s temperatures, historical cold snaps and that time it snowed in Wooloongabba.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to gather some wood for the fire. And dig out the thermal longjohns.

FRAN LOVES: Jesus Christ Superstar, the Musical. I first saw it as a teenager, loved it then and still love it now. Soon to play at QPAC, fight to get a ticket to this one, and take someone who has never experienced it. It’s a cracker, and stage whispers say this new cast is first class.

Originally published as Fran Whiting: I’ll never get used to being cold in Queensland