Dear Rachel: Ask your parenting questions now

I’m feeling really down right now because nobody showed up to my kid’s birthday party. I can’t help but feel embarrassed for my child. What do I do?

A mum said she felt guilty when she realised no other children were planning to attend her child's birthday party.

Nobody showed up to my child’s birthday party and I can’t shake the feeling of disappointment. Parenting expert Rachel Schofield says it’s important not to blame yourself.

DEAR RACHEL

I’m feeling really down right now because nobody showed up to my kid’s birthday party. I put so much effort into planning it and was so excited to see my child’s face light up when their friends arrived, but it was just our family there. I can’t help but feel embarrassed for my child. What do I do with all these feelings of disappointment? I know he is too young to fully understand, but I still can’t get over this feeling of sadness. How do I handle this situation and make sure my kid doesn’t feel left out or unimportant?

Rachel says it’s important not to blame yourself when things happen outside of your control.

RACHEL’S RESPONSE

Gosh I’m sorry, that’s heartbreaking to hear that no one showed up to your child’s birthday party. While your child might be too young to fully understand what happened, it’s completely natural that you’re feeling a whirlwind of emotions right now. Disappointment, embarrassment, even a touch of anger – these are all valid responses to a situation that can feel like the wind getting knocked out of you.

Try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment. Talk to a friend, write in a journal, or seek professional support if needed. Processing these feelings will help you move forward and prevent them from casting a shadow over future celebrations.

Beyond the immediate disappointment, it’s worth noting that these feelings might be tapping into a larger emotional landscape. Sometimes, these kinds of events can hit a raw nerve, dredging up old stored hurts. Perhaps it triggers memories of feeling left out or overlooked as a child yourself. That’s why these feelings might be so intense right now, because they’re tapping into a deeper well of experiences.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many people have experienced the sting of a poorly attended party, and it’s okay to feel hurt and disappointed. Focus on creating happy memories with your child, even if it’s not the grand celebration you had planned. The small, intimate gathering with loved ones is just as meaningful.

Also, consider reaching out to the parents of the children who didn’t attend. A simple explanation might exist, and a quick chat could be all it takes to clear the air and build stronger connections.

DEAR RACHEL

I’m ashamed to admit I sometimes think my baby is ugly. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s how I feel when I look at their little face. I feel like I’m supposed to instantly think my baby is the most beautiful thing in the world, but that’s not how I’m feeling. I love my baby but these negative thoughts keep coming back, and I’m unsure how to handle them. Is it normal to feel this way? How do I get past these thoughts and stop feeling guilty for having them?

Negative thoughts about your newborn can be tricky to handle. Picture: iStock

RACHEL’S RESPONSE

No, it’s not harsh, you’re simply being honest. It’s hard when you expect to be head over heels in love with your baby’s every feature, but instead, you’re having these unexpected thoughts about their appearance. Know that you’re not alone – it’s just one of those things people don’t often talk about.

But those thoughts … they’re tricky, aren’t they? It’s hard to just make them disappear. Instead of trying to force them away, maybe we can get curious about them. What’s going on beneath the surface? Are you worried about what others will think? Wishing your baby was cuter? Scared that you won’t bond with your baby as strongly as you hoped? Those “ugly” thoughts might be masking deeper fears or grief.

It’s tough to change your thoughts directly, but they often shift as you work through the underlying feelings. Sometimes, sharing with someone non-judgmental, like a good friend, can help you access the emotions. You might find yourself having a good cry or maybe even a helpful laugh. Afterwards you’ll likely feel lighter and more at ease.

And when those thoughts pop up, try this: for the next five minutes, just observe your baby. Notice the way their little fingers grasp, the way their breathing changes when they sleep. See if you can find three things that you find endearing. You might find that when you do this you feel tearful and that’s totally okay, you’re simply shedding some stored emotional tension.

While it’s difficult to simply change how you think, the good news is that you love your baby and that’s what matters most. It sounds to me like you are nurturing a beautiful bond. You’re a good parent, and your love and care are what truly matter. Focus on that, and let go of the pressure to think your baby is the most beautiful baby ever!

Rachel Schofield is a leading parenting expert. Picture: Supplied

Rachel Schofield, a leading parenting expert with 17 years experience, helps families ditch bribes and yelling for calmer, happier homes. With warmth and understanding, she guides parents to raise connected, resilient children using evidence-based strategies. Rachel’s a Professional Member of the Australian Association of Family Therapists and mum of two teenagers. Download her free guide, “How to Stop Losing It With Your Kids” and smooth out those parenting challenges.

Originally published as Dear Rachel: Ask your parenting questions now