Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

A husband has revealed his wife runs a secret social media account but it’s not that simple.

Melissa Ferrari has helped countless couples resolve issues in their relationships.

After discovering her husband lied about seeing his ex, a woman has asked for help from relationship expert Melissa Ferrari.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

IS SHE IN THE WRONG?

Spending too much time on your phone can be detrimental to a relationship.

Dear Melissa

My wife runs a hidden social media account where she interacts with people I don’t know, sharing details about her life that she hasn’t even shared with me. This revelation has left me feeling excluded and questioning the openness of our marriage. How do I bring it up with her? I don’t think she’s cheating, but there’s something really weird going on.

Melissa’s response

When we meet someone and those “feel good” hormones kick in, many of us can find ourselves feeling “loved up” and happy in a relationship, but don’t take the time to discuss our shared purpose, vision and principles.

It is why so many relationships do not last, as that oxytocin feeling of love fades and we suddenly find ourselves with someone who is not sharing the same values and principles that we have.

When we talk of shared principles, I am talking to the unbreakable “we” agreements that protect both of you and your relationship. Without having these agreements in place our partners behaviour, such as activity on social media or interaction with the opposite sex, can make us feel insecure and unsafe in our relationship.

It is why, no matter how “in love” we feel, we need to sit down and have those conversations about who we are as a couple, what we value, how we will show respect for each other, what want this relationship to become and how we deal with the challenges that will come.

These are the principles we choose to live by as a couple and commit to honouring.

When we don’t have this conversation and do not have agreements that will likely create threats as the relationship evolves, which is what you are facing now with your wife’s behaviour online.

The best way forward for you is to have an open conversation with your wife, explaining to her why you are feeling concerned and insecure and then look to set in place an agreement on social media use that you are both comfortable with moving forward.

That may be that there are no “hidden” social accounts and that you both have access to all you do online – in an open and trusting relationship there should be no need to have secrets from each other.

If you can reach agreement on social media use, I would suggest that you then go deeper, perhaps with the help of a qualified relationship counsellor, to put into place shared agreements which will help you to evolve your relationship into a strong and healthy one.

SHOULD HE BE TRUSTED?

Communication is the key in almost every relationship.

Dear Melissa

My husband has been secretly meeting up with his ex under the guise of “catching up,” and it’s left me feeling deeply hurt and confused. I don’t know if I should trust him interacting with her, given that he lied to me about it in the first place. What do I do?

Melissa’s response

Yes, alarm bells should be ringing as there really is no reason why your husband needs to be catching up with his ex – particularly if he knows this would make you uncomfortable.

If there was a reason (such as children or resolving finances or legal issues) then you should be fully aware of the contact and the reason behind it – with his deceit adding to the serious threat that your relationship is facing.

This is where you need to be completely open with him, asking him directly, why he has been seeing her and why he was not honest about it with you?

Tell him openly how his behaviour and actions have made you feel, if he seems cagey or overly defensive in his response, then you need to trust your intuition and take the conversation to a therapist where you may be able to gain more of an honest response.

For our relationships to thrive we need to feel safe and secure, sneaking of to visit an Ex makes that impossible as it raises so many questions, and your husband needs to understand the threat he has created to your relationship through his actions.

You will learn a lot about him, his care for you and your relationship by how he responds, he needs to put you and the relationship first, if he instead chooses what he wants – then you may well be at the “deal breaker” moment – which is why having a therapist to help you navigate may be of benefit.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now