Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

It can be difficult to tell your partner about infidelity but not being honest could be even more damaging. ASK YOUR QUESTIONS

It’s important to communicate with your partner before things escalate.

Adulthood is stressful, but your relationship doesn’t need to be.

Relationship counsellor Melissa Ferrari has spent more than two decades guiding couples through some truly heartbreaking circumstances.

The Courier-Mail has enlisted Melissa to provide expert guidance on navigating tricky relationship situations and will be answering two reader-submitted questions per week.

Scroll down to ask Melissa your questions >>>

DEAR MELISSA:

I cheated on my wife. I’m so scared that I’ve ruined everything. What can I do?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

I can understand the reluctance to tell your partner of your infidelity, as you will find confessing a betrayal one of the most difficult conversations that you will ever have and for your partner one of the most difficult things she will hear in her life.

What you need to understand is that if you keep this from her it will damage your relationship, whether she eventually discovers the truth or not.

By not telling your wife you are asking her to live her life with you without all the information. This will ultimately create a huge trust issue between the two of you, In many ways you will be holding her hostage emotionally, which is not fair to her and will likely have a nasty bite later for you.

Telling your partner about infidelity can be difficult.

Even if she never discovers the truth there will still be an unconscious trust issue in the relationship as your wife will pick up on your own anxiety and stress around keeping such a secret, which is likely to lead to a change in her own behaviour.

She may begin to keep things from you, that may be to spend money without your knowledge, do things with others without telling you and this distrust escalates may even lead to an infidelity of her own.

You also need to consider that she is likely to find out the truth. In my practice I have come across many couples where one partner has discovered an infidelity through social media use and through coming across messages.

What is becoming even more common is your partner being directly contacted by the person with whom you had the affair – who tells them the whole story, sharing with them messages and at times intimate photos.

A discovery if this type is the most damaging, as when we are betrayed, we can suffer from post-traumatic stress, which can create obsessive behaviour with your partner revisiting the messages she received on your infidelity as she relives the betrayal over and over in her mind – making reconciliation very difficult.

The cornerstone of all relationships is trust and transparency, without them insecurities will be created in our relationships which will continue to grow and ultimately lead to a relationship breakdown.

I know it is tough, but you need to take ownership of what has happened, your wife deserves to know the truth and that truth is best to come from you and not someone else – it will be hurtful enough to hear it from you – but far more damaging to discover not only that you were unfaithful but also deceitful.

It can be difficult when your partner is hanging out with friends instead of spending the night at home.

This is not a road you need to take alone, and you will find couples therapy very helpful as you both navigate such a difficult time. Talking through difficult issues such as affairs in a safe and open environment will help begin you to repair the wounds that your infidelity has caused to your relationship.

Even if in the end your relationship does not survive the betrayal, having that support can greatly assist the both of you to deal with the emotional damage that you will experience.

DEAR MELISSA:

How do I stop being jealous when my girlfriend hangs out with her male friends instead of spending the night with me?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

Once a relationship is becoming serious and you are committing to being together, something I all urge all couples to do is to enter into agreements around your relationship so you both know where you stand on your commitment to each other – essentially setting the rules for the relationship that you both agree to abide by.

One of those agreements could be relating to the time we will spend with other people.

Given your insecurity that agreement you reach may be something along the line that ‘it is OK for your girlfriend to spend time with male friends as long as you know who they are and that you are comfortable with them.’

In making such an agreement you can share with your girlfriend why her spending time with other males makes you uncomfortable, perhaps someone has been unfaithful to you in the past or you grew up in a family where infidelity or betrayal caused great pain and hardship.

As you have not had that conversation and put such an agreement into place your girlfriend either has no idea her spending time with male friends is affecting you, or if she is picking up on your insecurity, why it is affecting you.

Either way, as your insecurity grows it will impact your relationship moving forward as if you do not raise your concern in the right way, this may result in your girlfriend seeing it as a sign that you do not trust her – creating trust issues in your relationship.

The best way forward is to be open and honest. Explain why you have concerns about who she spends time with, if it is due to a past trauma then you will likely find that your partner is understanding of why you feel what you do and will want to help you heal those wounds.

Take the time to sit and talk to your partner about the commitment you are making to each other, be clear on what your relationship is, address all your needs and insecurities and come to agreement on how you want your relationship to be from today and into the future.

Keep in mind, if your jealousy stems from something negative such as you wanting more control over whom your girlfriend spends time with, then to help you create a healthy relationship you may need to do some work on yourself with a therapist to overcome your own insecurities.

Melissa Ferrari responds to two submissions from our readers per week. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

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Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now