Why Shane Warne deserves to become a knight of the British Empire
Legendary bowler and loveable larrikin Shane Warne is a true Australian icon who deserves nothing less than a knighthood from the British Empire. From his cricket prowess to the invention of sexting, here are 10 good reasons why. SIGN THE PETITION
Opinion
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Dear Prime Minister, the Leader of the Opposition, and all citizens of Australia, I come to you with a demand.
I recently re-happened upon the Wisden’s official list of the five greatest cricketers of the 20th Century. It reads as follows:
1. Sir Donald Bradman
2. Sir Garfield Sobers
3. Sir Jack Hobbs
4. Shane Warne
5. Sir Vivian Richards
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Well something on this list is suddenly as clear to me as day and night. This list is missing a bleedin’ knight.
That’s right, I demand we make Shane Warne a knight of the British Empire!
According to the internet, one may become a knight or a dame “for having a major contribution in any activity, usually at national level”.
Here are 10 good reasons why Warnie clearly has proven himself on those terms:
1. Wisden literally almost sounds like wisdom, so you can trust them. And Warnie was one of their top five cricketers of the entire Twentieth Century. Which was an ace century (minus a World War or Two). I mean it’s a century that gave us microwaves!
2. He played top-level cricket from 1991-2013. That’s commitment over a longer period of time than most lazy teenagers have even bothered to be alive.
3. The Queen won’t do it because she’s jealous. I’ve personally heard, from very reliable sources, that in backyard cricket matches behind Buckingham Palace, her batting average is barely in the teens. Plus she claims to be a “fast” bowler, but is medium pace at best. Pathetic. As if you’re going to get Prince Charles out with that. No wonder she recently let a Yank into the family, she just wants someone who won’t plonk her for sixes all the time.
4. Hear me out on this one, but he was really bloody good at cricket.
We all know the obvious great things, the Ball of the Century, the hat trick, the 708 test wickets, the diuretic, the getting out on 99, the World Cup and Ashes trophies, and so many other highlights. But I will tell you the real fact that makes Warne maybe the greatest sportsman ever.
It’s this. Michael Jordan was so great that he made kids around the world take up basketball, and a generation later the NBA became full of players from all over the world. Pelé inspired so many Brazilians to take up soccer that they dominated the sport internationally for decades. Well when Warnie was playing, every single Australian in Australia, and even some in other places, had a go at bowling wrist-spin.
Every backyard game, every school team, every office hallway match with the boss’s computer as stumps, had someone attempting leg spin.
You’d go to the zoo and the zookeepers were getting the elephant dung in the compost while trying their wrong’un. Thousands of pieces of luggage were damaged at the airport because the baggage handlers would flipper them on to the conveyor belt.
Yet not a single other truly great wrist spinner has come along since. He inspired millions. And has been emulated by NONE.
I can think of no other human in history, in any other field, who is so unparalleled on this level.
5. He was the ultimate entertainer. He played with flare and joy, and he had the best body language in the business. Warnie always acted like something extraordinary was happening. This man could delay the final ball of a day’s play for 10 minutes to chat to the keeper about who’s turn it was to shout beers, and it was the most riveting cricket on earth. No other person in any other field has EVER been so entertaining delaying stuff. Again unparalleled!
6. I bet if you asked Warnie to invent a new Olympic level gymnastics discipline he’d say “what about the unparalleled bars”. The man oozes the word “unparalleled”.
7. Warnie managed to win while eating pizzas, spag-bol and baked beans, and showing fitness levels not considered stereotypically ideal. These days you’re required to have a six-pack to play a teacher on Home And Away. For shame “these days”.
Plus he INVENTED sexting. And while that’s something I’ve never personally tried, I’ve heard it’s quite popular.
8. He’s done lots of charity work, is known to give lots of time to the game’s up-and-comers, and just today a friend told me a story about meeting him at an airport 20 years ago, and he was entertaining some kids in Milo cricket hats, until an announcement was made “Shane Warne PLEASE come to the gate, we don’t want to leave without you”. That’s so sweet.
9. I spoke to an umpire who’d officiated matches Warnie bowled in, and he said Warnie spun the ball so hard it audibly fizzed through the air like a small motorbike. Unfortunately Channel 9 could never figure out how to get a microphone on the ball. But if they did, we’d all have been scared a swarm of hornets was invading our living room. And that’s particularly scary because we don’t even HAVE hornets in Australia.
10. Sir Lancelot, Sir The Knights who say Ni, Ser Jamie Lanister, The Hound, The White Knight, The White Castle, Castle Black, Castlemaine Tyre Warehouse — these are the greatest Knights in human history, well how many of them have gotten to even meet Elizabeth Hurley? Exactly.
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With a federal election looming, and another referendum on Australia becoming a republic perhaps inevitable, we may only have a short window of time to get this done.
So please. If you know ScoMo, call him up and demand it. If you’re Bill Shorten’s kids tell him even you won’t vote for him in the next election unless he promises to make Shane Sir Warne. And everyone, please go to change.org and sign the petition, and/or tweet your support at #SirWarnie.
Also, can someone get me into the Buckingham Palace backyard game, thanks to Warnie’s inspiration, I’ve personally got a googly that would completely bamboozle The Queen.
— David Tieck is a Melbourne comedian, writer and cricket fan.
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