Susie O’Brien finds the tourists who hate Victoria

EVERYONE loves Victoria and what it has to offer, right? Well, not always, writes Susie O’Brien.

The Melbourne Cricket Ground, where you can see “sweaty men chasing a cowskin ball around a patch of grass”.

‘MEMBERS enclosure is very good, but THE G is a silly name.” That was the opinion of Trip Advisor reviewer Cathy W about our own hallowed MCG.

And there was Bonnie S, who thought the Shrine of Remembrance was “blah, boring except the signs in the bathrooms are interesting”.

Others on the travel review site declared our Federation Square to be “ugg lea”, Rod Laver Arena “sad”, the Hockney exhibition “overrated” and the NGV “a big modern building full of not much”.

As locals, we assume others are going to love the MCG, the Melbourne Star Observation Wheel and those cute little fairy penguins as much as we do. But it’s clear that some people will never be satisfied. You know, the kind of folk who complain St Kilda’s got too much sand, the Botanic Gardens too many trees and the Grand Prix too many safety features stopping you getting close to the cars.

This time of year it’s special events season in Victoria and thousands of people will be coming here for the International Airshow, the Fashion Festival, the International Flower and Garden Show, the Food and Wine Festival, the International Comedy Festival, the V8 Supercars and the Grand Prix. Not to mention, of course, Aunty Pat, who’s just popping in for a few nights to celebrate Grandma’s 80th. I’ve trawled through hundreds of reviews from people who visited Victoria when they should’ve just stayed home. Here are some of the funniest, meanest and silliest things they had to say, along with some observations made by visiting friends over the years.

The Great Ocean Road

“Not impressed with The Twelve Apostles. As far as I could see there were only seven, and they were just broken rocks in the ocean. Boring. The road was very winding — why can’t they build it straight? I saw lots of kangaroos. It was a pity they were mainly dead ones on the side of the road. The road itself is just a slow-moving sad procession of tourists getting in the way of people who have a real reason to be there.”

The Twelve Apostles: “Just broken rocks in the ocean. Boring.”

National Gallery of Victoria

“Victoria is not a nation so how can it have a national gallery? And will someone tell me why are there windows on the roof? You end up having to lay down on the floor to look through them. Not a good look, NGV!! I also worry about the plumbing fail at the entrance — there was all this water flowing down the wall. Still, at least there was a good coat service.”

Federation Square

“There always seems to be something fun happening at Fed Square — buskers getting arrested, homeless people being moved on. Quite exciting really. But Fed Square itself is ugly, with pseudo-camouflage buildings with no architectural merit, expensive restaurants, sad little trees and annoying square cobblestones. Don’t bother.”

City Circle tram

“It was very frustrating! People kept getting on and off all the time and we seemed to go around and around and ended up where we started. What’s the point in that? Also annoying was having to put up with all those scummy locals just wanting a free ride. Forget it!

Next time I am walking.”

The Dandenongs

“The views are nice but not worth leaving the city for. Too many large trees that get in the way of you seeing anything really good. Also, we stopped at McDonald’s in Tecoma and found it packed with weird people with matted hair and no shoes holding up signs. What have they got against Maccas? They might want a job one day (although probably not).”

MCG

“The MCG is a great spot to immerse yourself in culture if you think sweaty men chasing cowskin ball around a patch of grass counts as culture. I don’t. And the low-strength beer was not a high point. Wouldn’t hurry back, especially as it can be pretty dull at Grand Final time when someone’s winning by a huge margin.”

Shrine of Remembrance

“Love the Shrine and what it stands for but all those speeches can be boring. Went there for a dawn service and lost interest pretty quickly. The eternal flame also pretty underwhelming and a waste of fuel.”

Phillip Island penguins

“The penguins aren’t as big as the pictures make them look. And they don’t do any tricks — you wouldn’t get away with this at SeaWorld. Making matters worse, you’re not allowed to take photos. What’s the point of being a tourist if you can’t experience everything through the lens of your mobile phone camera?”

A visitor to Phillip Island was sad to find out the fairy penguins “don’t do any tricks”.

Melbourne laneways

“People kept telling me how wonderful the laneways were, but I couldn’t believe how much graffiti there was. Someone really should clean them up. Some of the cafes were clearly struggling, given that they couldn’t afford stools (they made us sit on milk crates) and plates (they made us eat off planks of wood). But there was even a laneway named after alternating electrical currents — AC/DC — which was more interesting.”