The things you’re least likely to hear in lockdown

Victorians are now experts at staying at home but as we plummet into Lockdown 5.0, there are some things you’ll never hear us say.

Victorians are unlikely to be embracing more walking in the rain during lockdown five. Picture: Sarah Matray

Here we are back at home for Lockdown 5.0. And here are some things we won’t be saying over the next few days.

1. Five days? I’ll bet this lockdown won’t be extended like the other ones. I’ve got a good feeling this time.

2. Gee, I am really glad I went to that Cats-Blues game at the ’G last Saturday. Who cares about catching Covid as long you’ve been in the members’ reserve?

3. I really don’t mind spending six hours in my car with my partner and kids getting tested. Quality family time, that’s how we see it.

4. Hey, kids! Stop doing so much home schooling! You’re working too hard. Get back on that X-box and relax for a few hours.

5. Got through to the DHHS Covid hotline first try! Nice one!

6. Who cares about unis being locked down again? It’s still worth spending $20K for a year to learn in my living room rather than going back on campus. Who wants to lose their virginity anyhow?

7. Who cares about all the engineering and medical students learning online? That’s just as good as the real thing, surely?

8. Call me! Can’t wait to do more walking in the rain!

9. Who needs pubs? I get all the excitement I need in the self-service checkout at my local Woolies. Gets quite fun there on a Friday night, especially when the scanners malfunction.

10. Gee, Uber does a great job of looking after restaurants and drivers, doesn’t it? Makes that $25 Macca’s burger worth every cent.

11. Yep, these pants still fit. In fact, they are a bit loose!

12. I love the fact that playgrounds are open. Who needs happy hour when you can push kids for hours on end on the swings?

13. Who cares about the 5km zone? I’ve got all I need right here, including a household of teenagers who don’t have to be bribed with chocolate to play board games with their mother instead of watching Shameless in their bedrooms.

14. My kids are so cute – they literally had a fight over who was going to be first to unpack the dishwasher. As a reward I’m going to let them reorganise my Tupperware drawer.

15. I really don’t see the appeal of Netflix, Binge or Foxtel. Being at home has reminded me of the quality of daytime programming on free-to-air TV.

16. I love the kids being home so I can make sure I don’t miss one second of their violin and recorder practice. Melbourne Symphony Orchestra, here we come, kids!

Best of luck. Stay well, stay safe and stay sober. (Actually, no one’s saying that either.)

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist

[e-mail]