Susie O’Brien: Working from home? Don’t forget the pants

There are questions to be answered. Can we get haircuts? What if there are 101 guests at your wedding? Are pants necessary if you’re working at home? Susie O’Brien has the answers.

Thanks to the coronavirus, we’ve got food shortages, social distancing and working from home where pants are optional. And yet I’ve got more questions than ever.

Are the kids allowed to get haircuts? If so, where can I find someone I can bribe not to give my 16-year-old a mullet buzz cut?

I’ve got two kids with birthdays coming up. Are kids allowed to have parties anymore or do they have to spend the next three months inside alone watching animals copulate on zoo livestreams?

And when am I going to be able to stop using Coles catalogues as loo paper and get my hands on some extra-absorbent three-ply?

Everyone seems to be talking about weddings, particularly in light of the ban on gatherings of more than 100 people. So, is a wedding with 99 people okay? What about 101? Is anyone from the government going to turn up and do a headcount?

What happens if your wedding had 200 people? How do you decide who misses out and are you likely to still want to get married at the end of that process?

Will the guests be able to do any dances other than the Bus Stop thanks to social distancing? And how do we find a venue that accommodates 95 people seated a metre-and-a-half from each other?

We all want to do the right thing, which means staying at home as much as possible, but many of us want to do our bit to support local businesses.

That isn’t a problem for me. Yes, choc top ice cream makers, I am willing to bulk buy to save your shop.

Coronavirus has left offices all over the world empty. Picture: Getty Images

Same goes for restaurants. Yes, friends at Ruyi Melbourne, I will help you out by ordering a three-month supply of your gorgeous handmade dumplings. Call me, okay?

And yes, I’d even be willing to consider a “stimulus package” from the adult entertainment industry, which is apparently also struggling.

Many people are also working from home. That includes kids who are off school who set up work-from-home stations so they can mirror their parents’ work-from-home habits.

Mostly, that means they take their mobile phones into the loo and emerge half an hour later.

Clocking in from the couch has never been so applauded.

No, I am not a slacker who stopped going into the office because I can’t find my myki card and no longer fit into my work suit!

Yes, I am working from home in order to do my bit for social distancing and flattening the curve!

I’ve been working from home for a few days now and I’ve already got some curves that need flattening, let me tell you.

I used to work 40 minutes by train from my fridge and pantry. Now I’m four steps away.

Parents are juggling working from home with looking after the kids. Picture: Annette Dew

The biggest issue is working out how to log on at work. The IT boffins tell you to access your work emails giving you the details for remote access but you can’t access your work emails because you don’t have remote access.

It’s only been a few days, but I already have a whole stack of phrases designed to mask my home-based working environment.

“I’ll call you when I’m back at my desk” (because right now I’m livestreaming comedian Seth Rogen watching Cats while stoned).

“I can’t chat as I am on an important conference call” (I am trying to work out how to convince my teenagers to stop doing the Tik Tok that involves licking toilet seats).

“Let me turn down Sky News, think there’s a melee in the Middle East” (my kids are arguing over lunchtime toasties and throwing small appliances at each other in the kitchen).

Of course, there’s plenty of advice on how to work from home properly.

Get dressed. In other words, wear pants if you’re on a video conference call. Don’t associate with time wasters. Make sure your creative vision remains intact. Create a vision mood board.

Nowhere does anyone offer advice on how to deal with bored kids stealing all the bandwidth or non-desexed puppies barking and trying to hump your legs when you’re on important teleconferences.

Still, at this stage I am lucky to have a job and I know it.

I’m going to celebrate mine by going (back) to bed. Don’t tell my boss.

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist.

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