Susie O’Brien: Why the new normal after lockdown isn’t half bad
As we emerge from under our doonas after months of COVID-19 isolation, we’ll find the world as we knew it has changed in many ways — and they’re not all bad, writes Susie O’Brien.
Susie O'Brien
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Welcome to the new normal. It’s like the old normal, except with more elastic-waisted pants and fewer seafood buffets.
After months of lockdown, we are emerging from under our doonas.
In our COVID-19 world, the Free Hugs guy who charmed us a few years ago would now be arrested in Bourke St Mall.
Infectious disease scientists are the new rock stars — with some in disgrace after fraternising against their own rules.
And people are flocking to Google for lockdown release details and to ask questions like: “If I lick a bat, do I get a free two-week stay in a luxury hotel?” True story.
In the past few days, there has been more traffic on the roads and more people out shopping.
Well, actually, there are more people queuing outside shops and fewer people inside them.
This does not impress me.
I haven’t lined up anywhere since my Tunnel nightclub days in the late 1980s. I am not about to queue outside Target to bulk-buy kids’ underpants and socks.
Advertising has also gone feel-good. Companies such as KFC have pulled spots for “finger-lickin’ good” chicken. Nothing says pre-COVID like people licking their fingers before reaching back into the chicken bucket.
Not all companies have nailed it.
McDonald’s in Brazil separated its golden arches in an act of coronavirus solidarity, but was forced to put them back together after it was pointed out workers in that country don’t even get paid sick leave.
We’ve changed in other ways. We are happy to holiday locally, we won’t be going on cruises and most can’t wait to return to the office.
Once we’re back at work, we’ll have fewer people in the CBD and dress codes will be more relaxed. People want to keep dressing as they did in lockdown, in soggy-crotch trackies with stains at the knees. Hell, the bar is so low now that any pants at all are a bonus.
In offices, desks will be 2m apart and social distancing maintained. People will still be doing Zoom meetings even when they’re in the same place. They won’t buy clothes; they will spend their money on virtual backgrounds and good-looking avatars instead.
Our employers care more about us than ever before, subjecting us to endless temperature tests and surveys gauging our wellness and healthfulness.
Studies also show half of us are sick of online shopping and want to get back to what we do best — buying things we don’t need and can’t afford in bricks and mortar stores. With cash seen as a virus risk, we’re using credit and debit cards more than ever. The banks are tracking us, only to find we’re spending most of our pay on cookie dough ice cream and home hair dye kits.
What else is different? Courts are full of people filing for divorce because they’ve had to be nearest to their dearest for long periods of time. Online dating is very popular, with some adults conducting entire relationships without meeting in person, sort of like 13-year-olds.
We’re also spending a lot more time gardening. Researchers from Princeton did a big study and found home gardening was the best antidote for stress. The hairy man from the ABC could have told have told them that for free.
We’re also seeing an end to the dreaded middle seat on planes. And we will no longer have to spend our mornings squashed on peak-hour trains breathing in the fetid odour of someone who had Tandoori beef for dinner the night before.
We’re also watching lots more comedies. Funnily enough, our appetite for blockbuster movies about pandemics that wipe out whole populations is on the wane. You know the kind of movies — only one girl with a great body and few clothes survives and saves the world by having lots of sex with an older male scientist who looks like George Clooney.
In the COVID-19 era, people have also stopped whingeing about work because they know they’re lucky to have a job.
Our air is cleaner, our neighbours have become our friends and we’ve got teddy bears in our windows.
And we have a new-found appreciation for healthcare workers, teachers, supermarket staff and hairdressers who do a better job than mum with the kitchen shears.
It’s not all good, but it’s not all bad.
On an eight-point scale, I’d give it a four.
Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist