Susie O’Brien: Why ‘all you can eat’ couldn’t save Sizzler

Decades after hitting a peak of 83 Australian stores, Sizzler restaurants are no more. They may not have kept up with our changing tastes but the memories live on, writes Susie O’Brien.

The end of Sizzler restaurants in Australia marks the end of an era.

Video killed the radio star, and COVID killed the buffet.

Decades after hitting a peak of 83 Australian stores in the 1990s, Sizzler restaurants are no more.

The closure of the final Sizzler this week in Queensland — the land of the long white sock — provoked many happy memories.

Even though Sizzler has been gone from Victoria for more than two decades, many people remember lining up around the block for cheesy toast and all-you-can eat salads with a bonus side order of E.coli.

At Sizzlers in the late 1980s, our parents would order steaks and unlimited shrimp while us kids ate our way through 15 metres of flaccid salads and body-temperature pasta.

Doped up on soft drinks, we would then move on to the dessert bar where we’d pile our plates with chocolate mousse and soft-serve and stuff our pockets with jelly beans and smarties. The fact that we barely ate more than half of what we took was part of the appeal.

We loved Sizzler’s ability to turn even healthy salads into heart-attack prompters thanks to lashings of cream, bacon, cheese and ham.

We loved that the menu was full of items that aren’t considered food at other places such as sirloin tips, potato skins and seafood extender.

We loved dishes such as the Malibu chicken that had Swiss sliced cheese and packet ham dying slowly over a crumbed chicken patty.

And most of all we loved its free cheesy bread. Restaurants today don’t have enough dishes where the three main ingredients are margarine, supermarket white bread and packaged parmesan.

The lonely salad bar at Sizzler Toowoomba.

This, my friends, is what nostalgia tastes like.

While Sizzler lived on in other states, it came to a premature end in Victoria in the late 1990s with the closure of restaurants in Ferntree Gully, Knox, Doncaster, Preston, Sunshine, Brighton, Croydon, Gladstone Park and Thomastown.

Luckily, Sizzler sat alongside other family restaurants such as the Swagman, The Keg and of course, Smorgy’s, which is fondly known as our best worst restaurants ever.

Aaah, Smorgy’s. Who can forget the Polynesian-themed volcanic edifices that polluted many outer suburban locations? The food was forgettable but there was lots of it, which seemed to be more important than the taste.

Remember the indoor waterfall and pond that stank like moist armpits? The lava which burnt holes in the ozone layer every half hour?

The smorgasbord with the clash of cultures decades before fusion cuisine was invented? If you were lucky, you might have been to the Geelong one, which featured an animatronic floor show featuring not only the Geelong Cats but Salty the Seal and King Neptune.

Like many stars of the Melbourne family dining scene in the 1990s, Smorgy’s in Burwood burned down.

The same suspicious fate met the famous Swagman in Ferntree Gully, which was equally renowned for its cabaret shows and smorgasbord offerings prioritising quantity over quality.

The heyday of such august establishments was a time before keto, wooden boards and deconstructed sushi.

Back then our lives were unsullied by global pandemics, celebrity chefs and MasterChef-inspired food journeys.

These days, our tastes are more refined.

We don’t want to spend our hard-earned money on places with wipe-down tables, signs reminding diners to wear shirts and carpet that doesn’t show vomit stains.

Former Queensland premier Anna Bligh at the all-you-can-eat buffet at Sizzler, Townsville.

And all the fancy brass sneeze guards in the world can’t mask the fact that there’s something a bit yuk about sharing sweaty salads enlivened by the breath of strangers.

These days the restaurant scene is more about ethical eating, food trucks, mid-tier culturally-diverse bistros, small shared plates and food miles.

Parents worrying about their kids’ BMI don’t want make-your-own doughnut machines like the ones at Smorgy’s or the all-you-an eat soft serves at Sizzler.

Today people care more about the food than the decor. No one took photos of their food at Smorgy’s or Sizzlers and posted them on Instagram tagged #foodporn.

As Sizzler restaurants (I use the term loosely) closed for the last time this week, people flocked back for one last serve of cheesy bread, queuing like it was 1999.

As a final thank you, the company released the recipe, which has been so popular it nearly broke the internet.

Here it is. Take thick slices of frozen supermarket white bread. Spread one side with an equal mix of margarine and grated parmesan cheese. Fry in a pan with the butter side down until the butter is melted and gooey. Eat until the loaf has gone, then book in for a heart check-up.

You’re welcome.

MORE OPINION

MORE SUSIE O’BRIEN

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist

[e-mail]