Susie O’Brien: What Daniel Andrews really means in his pressers
For 120 days Daniel Andrews has dished out the same responses to reporters at his daily pressers, but if you listen closely you’ll find the hidden meaning, writes Susie O’Brien.
Susie O'Brien
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Is everyone right to go? Okay.
My fellow Victorians, here is a decoded version of my latest press conference.
I’ll keep this brief.
Less than two hours on a good day.
I know plenty of people were looking forward to some good news today. And soon, very soon, we’ll have some.
I reckon some time during 2025 if we stay the course.
I know personally – deeply – just how much this will mean for thousands of Victorians who haven’t been able to see loved ones for far too long.
Don’t believe rumours that my wife and kids have been in Queensland all this time.
And in good news for those sizing up the scissors or cautiously contemplating a buzzcut – hairdressers will be able to open, with strict safety protocols in place.
I need a haircut.
Remaining retail will also open.
I need some new clothes. North Face has sent me a cease and desist letter about my weekend fleecy.
Under the Third Step, Melbourne’s cafes, restaurants and pubs can reopen.
I need to get on the beers.
This is not a time to get on the beers.
I’m more a top-shelf whiskey kind of guy but I drink VB for the TV cameras.
We want to reach covid normal by Christmas
Socially distant family gatherings will be monitored by police drones flying over back yards looking for people hugging while not wearing masks.
A couple of extra days that might put us weeks ahead of this virus – to not only get on top of this outbreak, but to stamp it out.
The longer this goes on, the less popular Opposition Leader Michael O’Brien is getting.
Our state is whole again.
This is despite our best efforts to divide Victoria between north and south, country and city, inner suburbs and outer, and Brighton versus everywhere else.
We’ve got this.
By “this” I mean the only second wave of the coronavirus in the country, 73 per cent of Australian virus cases and 91 per cent of deaths.
This year has asked more of us – taken more from us – than any year, ever.
We’ve all lost a lot. I’ve lost Health Minister Jenny Mikakos who’s now spending her time trolling me on Twitter.
The whole way through this, we have been guided by our public health experts and their advice.
This means we have people outside of the Labor front bench to blame when it all goes wrong.
None of us ever want to do this again.
No more press conferences. No more North Face jackets. No more bad hair days. No more all-nighters. No more questions from that ghastly Credlin woman.
We each have to find it in ourselves to keep going just a little bit longer.
The upside is that the longer I spend in press conferences, the less real work I have to do.
Nothing about this is easy. But after everything we’ve sacrificed, we can’t afford to risk it all now.
Don’t talk to me about sacrifices. In June, Victorian MPs had our annual pay rises refused, so it was lucky that ministers like me got a 11.8 per cent pay rise last year. Phew.
We’re so, so very close.
Well, we’re not that close. In fact, we’re 1.5m apart at all times. Who’s writing this crap?
I’ve said many times we’d let the data guide us.
Well, that was until we started soaring in the polls, then we decided to let Roy Morgan Research guide us instead.
You can’t ignore the data and the science.
Well, you can and we often do, particularly when they don’t back up the restrictions we’ve got in place.
Brett Sutton has my full confidence.
Why isn’t anyone making doona covers with my face on them?
Don’t risk everything. What we can hold back now means a truly normal summer. Please – Hold. The. Line.
My teenage son is writing these lines for me, can you tell?
The steps we have taken are not enough.
I’ve got a Fitbit and I only took 56 steps yesterday, mostly to look for food in the kitchen.
I am not here for the applause.
Which is lucky because there isn’t any.
We can’t pretend this is over.
Have you seen my polling? I’m more popular than Jesus. I don’t ever want this to be over.
Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist