Susie O’Brien: Things Melburnians aren’t saying right now

Welcome to the best state in the world! Gee, the government has made so many great decisions! Thanks Dan for clearing up the contradictions in the lockdown rules! Susie O’Brien shares just some of the things Melburnians are not saying right now.

As stage four lockdown enters its third excruciating week, here are some of the things people from Melbourne and the Mitchell Shire are not saying right now.

Welcome to the best state in the world! I am so glad I live in Victoria. Who’d want to waste time by lounging on a Queensland beach anyway? Streaming all 22 seasons of Survivor back-to-back is a legitimate lifestyle choice, right?

This won’t last long; by Christmas we’ll be back to our normal lives, thanks to Daniel Andrews’ excellent handling of this global pandemic. I reckon the whole hotel quarantine issue has been blown way out of proportion and those anti-vaxxers make some good points.

No one wants to “get on the beers” anyway, Dan. We’re happy to be at home by ourselves drinking cheap chardonnay straight from the bottle and watching free-to-air Friends re-runs because the wifi’s on the fritz.

Gee, the government has made so many great decisions. Who cares about the backflips, confusion, deaths and chaos as long as they get it right eventually?

Thanks also, Dan, for clearing up the contradictions in the lockdown rules. I thought it made sense that we could drive to a bottle shop but not to a park to exercise.

Welcome to the best state in the world!

It’s nice not having to go to the footy every weekend. Staying home and watching matches played in empty stadiums to canned cheering is just as good as the real thing. And who wants a Grand Final at the ’G anyway?

Being stuck inside with people I don’t even like anymore and certainly didn’t give birth to is made that much easier thanks to friends from interstate sending me texts saying “Thinking of you”.

My partner and I are getting on better than ever under lockdown. I don’t get irritated when he blinks too loudly or wears socks with his slippers in the front yard. His little habits are so cute.

Who needs real friends you can see in person when you’ve got Buddy the Groodle on Instagram to keep you company? And who’s got time for Zoom catch-ups, now that Rick Whatshisname from the US has built a picnic bench for his squirrels? Can’t chat — I’ve got an endometriosis weblink starting right now.

Father’s Day is going to be fine despite the lockdown. Who needs to see your dad in person when you can send him a bottle of Shane Warne’s SW23 or Thirst: A scent by VB?

This work from home thing is easy! I get so much more done when I am interrupted every 10 minutes by my teenage daughter wanting to share celebrity lip synch videos with me.

And I love helping my younger son with his maths homework. Quadrilateral shapes, here we come! They’re not interruptions. They’re temporary injections of love!

Thanks Dan, for clearing up the contradictions in the lockdown rules!

I look my best self on Zoom. Why have one chin when you can have three?

Yes, I think it’s great that you’ve escaped Victoria. Good on you for using your past life as an itinerant long-distance truck driver to exploit a little-known loophole. Yes, I can’t wait to see the live feed of your 50th birthday party up north! Zoom me and I’ll feel like I am there!

Hey, I am so glad that Medibank Private is helping people like me cope with lockdown by offering a $100 ePetstock voucher if I sign up for pet insurance I can’t afford and don’t need.

I truly love spending my evenings on social media sending people I don’t really know memes they’ve already seen and which weren’t that funny in the first place. It’s so great.

I don’t mind that the last three pieces of my 1000-piece puzzle seem to be missing. It was worth it anyway to spend three weeks of my life putting together 997 identical pieces of blue sky.

I’ve bought heaps of things I really need during late-night drunken online shopping binges, like footy-themed coats for my pets and bulk-packs of those nifty gum cleaners with handles.

My kids have really adjusted well to lockdown. Lots of playing in the backyard, wholesome fresh air and jigsaw puzzles. No fast food, no Uber Eats on the sly, no 24-hour gaming sessions in their bedrooms. #bless.

I love it when the whole family’s always at home every day and every night. Yeah, lockdown leads to some great quality family time, doesn’t it?

I am thinking of starting a podcast. You can never have too many podcasts, can you?

Can’t wait to get one of those North Face jackets like the Premier.

Good deals on Rydges hotels. Let’s stay there as soon as we can.

So, there you go (thanks to my Facebook friends for a few of these).

Keep your chin up, everyone — especially when you’re live on Zoom.

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HERALD SUN OPINION

Susie O’Brien is a herald sun columnist

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@susieob