Susie O’Brien: There’s no quick fix for Telstra torture

WHOEVER said technology would make our lives easier clearly wasn’t a Telstra customer who wasted hours dealing with a communication company that specialises in not communicating effectively with customers, writes Susie O’Brien.

THANK you for calling Telstra. We are a communication company that specialises in not communicating effectively with our customers. How may I take the longest possible time to be of the least possible assistance?

This call is being recorded for monitoring and training purposes. (It will be used to show others what not to do). May I put you on hold while I read your file notes? (See you in 15 minutes, sucker). Thank you for your patience while I connect you to the person who is going to be able to help you. (But don’t get your hopes up, they probably won’t.)

Sound familiar?

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TELSTRA’S WOEFUL OUTAGE EXCUSE

It should have been easy. I moved house and needed a new Wi-Fi connection and modem. I called Telstra. They sent us a shiny new white “smart” modem. I booked a technician. So far so good.

The technician came but had to leave. Another modem arrived. We moved in without Wi-Fi. Another modem arrived. Still no tech. We had to wait for an NBN tech who wouldn’t come for two weeks. NBN tech finally came. Another modem arrived. NBN man connected one of the modems, which stopped working after just one successful connection. A few days later my work-related Telstra Bigpond email failed as well.

Telstra is a communication company that specialises in not communicating effectively with our customers. Picture: AAP Image/Brendan Esposito

What followed needs to be explained in an infographic.

NUMBER of calls to Telstra so far: 28 and counting.

NUMBER of different people spoken to: 75.

NUMBER of times put on hold: an average of six per phone conversation.

MOST common phrases used by them: “Thank you for your patience” and “Just give me one moment and I will pull up your account”.

MOST common phrase used by me: “You can’t be serious, that’s #*$%&”.

NUMBER of hours spent on the phone: 9.3.

NUMBER of minutes spent on the phone: 560.

NUMBER of times I was told they would call me back and they didn’t: 6.

NUMBER of times I had to give my full name and date of birth for “verification purposes”, often within the same phone call: 37.

Now, I should say that the failure of the Wi-Fi hasn’t crushed me (but it’s driving my kids crazy). But the loss of my email has. Over the course of one five-call marathon session stretching over 72 hours, I was given three different reasons why it wasn’t working.

One person even told me to try to access my emails using my Wi-Fi, not personal hotspot. That was absurd given that the reason my email stopped working was the failure of the Wi-Fi.

Dealing with Telstra has been a huge frustration.

Another asked me if it was a new Bigpond email account. Umm, no. I’ve had the same email for about 15 years.

Then we reached the twilight zone when someone asked me about our home phone. Is it working too? We haven’t had a home phone for three years.

At this point our Telstra journey is not over. Ooooh no. In fact, I am on hold right now listening to the kind of elevator music they play in asylums.

A few days ago, I made an official complaint but I’ve since worked out this has made it harder because then everything has to be routed through the complaints case manager who hardly ever seem to be around to take a call.

TELSTRA OUTAGE SHUTS DOWN DANGEROUS CRIMS’ ANKLE BRACELETS

So, Telstra, I hope you are reading this. Here’s what I (and your millions of other customers) would like:

I want one day in my life where I don’t have to talk to someone from Telstra about my WAN port connection to my Gateway Max using the LAN pathway through the router and the downstream NBN network.

I want to go to sleep at night without waking up in a cold sweat muttering my name over and over in the NATO phonetic alphabet: S for Sierra, U for Uniform, S for Sierra, I for Indigo, E for Echo.

Angry customers should be able to directly contact Telstra chief Andy Penn. Picture: John Feder/The Australian

I want a company that takes $100 of my money each month to be able to solve a simple problem like their product not working easily and quickly.

I want people who know what is going on who won’t ask me silly questions like, “Do you have a modem?” when I am on my 17th phone call about my modem.

I want real service, not lip service from people who aren’t trained properly and don’t have any real authority or expertise.

I don’t mind dealing with people called Ashaboosh, Dakila and Blessica in the Philippines as long as they can help. However, I do wish they wouldn’t mess with my mind by sounding as if they are talking underwater most of the time.

The other thing I’d love is the mobile phone number of Telstra CEO Andy Penn. Wouldn’t it be great for everyone who is having a hard time with our major telco — whether it’s outages or failures or poor service — to be able to give him a call directly? Maybe I’d just call him for a chat. A long chat.

In the meantime, I’ll have to find another way to communicate.

Carrier pigeon. Yes, that’s it. Be better than what I’ve got right now.

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— Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist

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@susieob