Susie O’Brien: The ‘maskholes’ you’re likely to see across Melbourne
Masks may be mandatory across Victoria, but there are some Melburnians who have taken a few liberties. These are the most common types of ‘maskhole', and where you’re likely to see them, writes Susie O'Brien.
Susie O'Brien
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How many maskholes can you identify today?
A subspecies of the common covidiot, these annoying mask wearers are often spotted in their native habitats — jogging trails, supermarket check-outs and coffee shops.
EAR FLAPPERS
In their own mind, these mask avoiders are following the rules — they’re wearing a mask, aren’t they? The only problem is that it’s flapping from one of their ears. Any moment now, and they’re going to put the damn thing on. If you’re lucky, it will be before they sneeze nasty corona germs all over you.
NOSE EXPOSERS
You’ve heard about people who want to free the nipple, well, these mask avoiders want to free the nose. It is possible they have very hot noses that need fresh air or very beautiful noses that they don’t want to deny you the right to admire. Steer clear from this group who think their comfort is more important than your health.
ICED COFFEE DRINKERS
These sneaky maskholes know that when they’re drinking, don’t have to mask up, so they make sure they’re always drinking. They are usually seen with their masks pulled down onto their chins while walking in parks, clutching the same stone-cold coffee cup for upwards of two hours. They’re too self-absorbed to realise this is how they wear their masks in Italy, where 36,000 people have died from the virus so far.
MASK OBJECTORS
This rabid species can be found harassing shop assistants, arguing with police in car parks and protesting about their civil rights in street marches. They don’t wear masks and they don’t want to. They’re multiplying rapidly, which goes to show the only thing that spreads faster than the coronavirus is stupidity. These maskholes can be distinguished from those who don’t wear masks for valid medical reasons by their ranting and grotty T-shirts.
FACE SHIELDS
These items are no longer able to be worn legally instead of face masks. This annoys those who bulk-purchased them online for a small fortune, so they continue to wear them anyway. They fancy they look like Princess Di in an African landmine field even though they’re just taking the cavoodle for a stroll in Glen Eira.
BANDANA BANDITS
These maskholes are hip, just ask them. Instead of masks they wear bandannas bearing the logos of rad streetwear brands you’ve never heard of. But they’re not smart enough to work out that these items are no longer legally allowed to be worn instead of face masks. It serves them right for calling their sons Rebel and Crash.
JASPING JOGGERS
These joggers can be found running fast, breathing heavily and covering everyone in their path with sweat, spit and virus germs. In their heads they’re practically professional athletes, so you won’t find them wearing masks, oh no sireee, they’re way too fast for that. I’d tell them what I think of them — if I could catch up to them.
SNOODS, GAITERS AND BUFFS
Have you seen people who wear those stretchy knitted ski neck warmers pulled up on their faces instead of masks? You are right to hate them on sight, as they probably brought the virus here while flying first class from the Colorado ski fields. Even worse, these show-off items – known as snoods, gaiters and buffs- are legally allowed to be worn, as long as they’re fitted, not loose.
OVERPROTECTIVE
People wearing respirator masks with full face gear and hazmat suits look like they’re doing clean-up at Chernobyl, not picking kids up from school. It’s a tad unnecessary, but don’t let them bother you –– at least they don’t have straw holes in their masks like some women I saw in the Chaddy car park last week.
MASK FORGETTERS
Have mercy, people, we’ve all been there. Watch this hapless species jump out of their car at the shops, overlooking the 453 used masks hanging from their rearview mirror. Wait to see the look of sheer panic on their face when they realise their face is — gasp! — mask free. They’ll pull their T-shirt up over their mouth and sprint back to the car, knowing that a photo of them mask-free on social media is much more damaging than a fine.
Happy maskhole spotting — with any luck many of these dangerous species will soon be extinct.
Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist