Susie O’Brien: The lockdown lines we never want to hear

As a third of the country endures remote learning and working from home, there are some things Victorians going through lockdown 5.0 are in no mood to hear.

Aussies in isolation don’t want any unsolicited advice.

One third of our nation is in lockdown land eating mac’n cheese in stained dressing gowns while those in other states are weighing up which pub to pick for happy hour.

Here’s what those in isolation do NOT want to hear right now.

HEY! I thought your state’s last lockdown was a once-off circuit breaker? And here you are doing it again! How could you let this happen?

BET you feel relieved that the politicians know what they’re doing this time around. Who cares about the backflips, confusion, deaths and chaos as long as they get it right eventually?

SO, how’s lockdown treating you? I’ve heard it’s not as bad as they say. I’d love to be at home a bit more. Lockdown leads to some great quality family time, doesn’t it?

I KNOW how annoying the restrictions are. When we had restrictions here a year or so ago, it was really hard not being able to see my friends for those two weeks.

YOU know, we’re all in this together (regardless of the fact that we haven’t been locked down since early 2020).

I KNOW what it’s like to do it tough. The other day we had restrictions stopping us from drinking while standing in pubs!

I KNOW you can’t get away at the moment, so I’ve posted a whole lot of photos from my recent getaway so you don’t miss out! It was sooooo hot! It was a pity the quality of the raw bar at the boutique hotel wasn’t up to five-star standard. You people in lockdown are used to disappointment – I am sure you understand how I felt.

BET you’re lonely, Still, zoom’s just as good isn’t it? It’s just like really being there. Keep your chin up (especially when you’re on camera).

KEEP yourself busy, that’s the only way to get through. Have you thought about starting a journal? Downloading a meditation app? Oh, I know! I’ll send you some great podcast suggestions. You can never have too many podcasts reflecting other people’s interests.

IT’S really important to count your blessings, isn’t it? Make sure you dip into your pandemic wellbeing toolbox, engage in some mindful leadership and hug yourself happy. #bless.

WHAT have you been getting up to? Nothing? Oh, that can’t be true. Tell me one great thing you’ve done today. Nothing? Really? Bet that’s not true!

GOT any plans for the weekend? Bet you’re going for lots of lovely long walks, lucky you. I’d love to have as much time as you to be out there in nature. I just love walking in the freezing rain.

Please don’t ask Aussies in lockdown to tell you one great thing they’ve done today.

I REMEMBER how hard it is to wear masks – that one time we had to wear them last year was just awful – my glasses kept fogging up. How do you stand it for months on end?

OH, your Wi-Fi’s on the fritz? Sorry to hear that but I bet you’re having so much fun at home with your family that you hardly notice that you’ve got two weeks of no-fi until the Telstra guy comes.

I’LL bet it’s nice not having to go to the footy every weekend. Staying home and watching matches on TV is just as good as being there, isn’t it?

I’VE just popped a pressie in the post – Amazon was doing a great deal on that perfume called Unbreakable by Khloe and Lamar. (I guess they made it before they broke up.)

YOU are so lucky to be doing home schooling. I would consider it an honour to be able to spend so much time with my kids helping them doing their school work.

YOU look great on our weekly virtual catch-ups. Why have one chin when you can have three?

SORRY you’re going to miss my 50th. We’ll livestream the party so you don’t miss anything and feel like you’re there!

I AM so proud of you enduring lockdown again. I’d never be able to do it, I know that for sure. I just wouldn’t miss my gym workouts for anything. This morning I held a Bulgarian split squat at a 45-degree angle for one minute 20! I’ll send you a video.

I’LL bet you are buying really great stuff online because you can’t go to the shops. Think of all the cookie dough ice cream 20-litre cartons and home perm hair kits bought in drunken midnight shopping sessions! YAY!

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist and author of The Secret of Half-arsed Parenting.

[e-mail]