Susie O’Brien: The 10 most annoying people in lockdown
From maskless conspiracy theorists to rule breakers setting back the date we will finally be freed from lockdown, Susie O’Brien reveals the 10 most annoying people in lockdown.
Susie O'Brien
Don't miss out on the headlines from Susie O'Brien. Followed categories will be added to My News.
As lockdown drags on, people in Melbourne are feeling less kind towards one another.
It’s easy to be annoyed by the way our loved ones lick their fork after each bite, put pots to soak in the sink (but never wash them) and leave used toilet rolls next to the bin in the bathroom.
Here are some annoying people you meet in lockdown.
MASK NON-WEARERS
That person breathing loudly next to you in the fruit and veg aisle isn’t wearing a mask. They may have a valid medical reason not to, but you have my permission to be annoyed by them anyway. Chances are they simply can’t be bothered or think it’s a violation of their human rights not to be able to sneeze on the apples you just put in your trolley. Bastards.
MASK ALMOST-WEARERS
Even worse are those who have a mask but never seem to have it properly covering their nose and mouth. They are most often middle-aged men in Lycra walking in pairs on bike paths and sipping from takeaway coffee cups while their masks flap from one ear loop. They are usually talking about how other people are letting everyone down by not following the rules.
SWEATY RUNNERS
There’s only one thing worse than joggers, and that’s joggers without masks breathing their putrid corona germs on you. They don’t swerve to avoid you on the footpath as they’re checking their Fitbit to make sure they’re in world-record time. Despite breathing heavily and sweating like a wrestler, they are exempt from mask-wearing as they are engaged in strenuous exercise – and aren’t they pleased about it.
RULE MONITORS
These self-righteous people take an intense interest in the rule adherence of their friends. “Should you be doing that?” they ask 500 times a day. They’ve got the DHHS app on their phone, and can spout at length the updated restrictions for the metro area under section 45b of stage 4.2.13 of the rules. Keep away. No one liked them when they were the hockey captains at school, and no one likes them now.
ONLINE FITNESS INSTRUCTORS
Throughout lockdown I’ve been exercising in our courtyard with a very fit 14-year-old girl who tells me off all the time. “Why do you look so funny? “You’re doing it wrong.” “Why can’t you straighten your legs?” I should know better. Half an hour of a “Buns and Guns” video featuring a former stripper called Jeanette isn’t going to make up for the Chinese take-away I had for dinner last night.
WEIGHT LOSERS
While the rest of us are keeping busy growing a second belly, some are taking time in lockdown to lose weight. Keep your distance from these traitors. You don’t need to know the nasty, unnatural things they are doing to their abs, glutes, lats, delts, traps, pecs or quads. But this won’t stop them telling you about how this morning they held a Bulgarian split squat at a 45 degree angle for one minute 20.
RULE BREAKERS
Some people can’t wait to tell you about their latest party, where 15 family members were smuggled under the garage roller door for nanna’s 70th. Although they talk about how much they worry about getting caught, it doesn’t stop them posting about the event online for everyone else to see. Psychology Today has an article on “How not to kill your family during lockdown” but there’s no helpful hints on how not to do away with annoying friends like this.
OUT-OF-TOWNERS
Melburnians are sick of hearing from friends in other states complaining about how the line to get into the pub in Brissie was really long or how unseasonably hot it was on the beach at Palm Cove yesterday. Don’t post photos of you having a good time when a trip to the letterbox is all we have to look forward to. And don’t tell us: “thinking of you” when we know you are really just thinking you’re glad you are not us.
CONSPIRACY THEORISTS
No, the coronavirus is not a communist fascist hoax dreamt up by the Chinese to kill the global economy and achieve world domination through 5G phone towers, but it doesn’t stop some people from being convinced it is. They bombard our social media with posts starting with lines like: “Have you ever wondered why…?” and “I’m just curious…”. They’re not curious, they’re batsh*t crazy.
VIRTUAL VACATIONERS
With school holidays upon us, people keep sending me emails about the joys of having an “international holiday at home”. “Preston becomes Prague, Tarneit becomes Tokyo, Malvern becomes Mumbai. All you need is your imagination,” one email said. All they need is a lobotomy. Bugger off and let me watch TV in my tracksuit in peace.
SUSIE O’BRIEN IS A HERALD SUN COLUMNIST