Susie O’Brien: Melburnians can’t be at the MCG, but we can bring the ‘G to us
For the first time, Melburnians are unable to be at the MCG on Grand Final day, but it doesn’t mean you need to miss out on all the fun. Here’s how Susie O’Brien will re-create the atmosphere at home.
Susie O'Brien
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It’s Grand Final day, and for the first time we have no chance of being part of a roaring crowd of 100,000 screaming fans at the MCG.
No Brownlow live from Crown this week, no Grand Final parade, no barbies with mates.
Just footy on the telly at home, police drones patrolling our backyards and Thank You Day for having the worst leader in the nation.
You can’t be at the game, but you can re-create the atmosphere at home.
I can’t go to the ’G, but I can bring the ’G to me.
Forget the Jason recliners. Sit on plastic flip-up chairs from the garage that send everyone’s butt cheeks to sleep by halftime.
Line the chairs up in the living room and make sure that if someone needs to get up, you all have to stand awkwardly and let them pass.
Buy the most expensive beer you can and leave it out of the fridge so it’s lightly warm. Drink it from plastic glasses carried in a cardboard tray, making sure you spill most of yours down your pants on the way back from the kitchen.
To recreate the vibe of the MCG, get the most abusive member of your family to bellow “BALL!!!” every five minutes and blame every lost point or goal on the umpiring.
When your team is about to score the winning goal, get them to stand upfront of you, yelling abuse at your key player and blocking your vision.
Half an hour after you really need a toilet break, leave the living room and line up in the hallway for 15 minutes in a spot where you can’t see the TV. Pick a crucial moment in the game to do this.
Alternatively, you could watch most of the game from the backyard, peering in through the windows using binoculars turned backwards to recreate the view from the top of Ponsford Stand. If the players look like stick figures that so small you can’t tell them apart, you’ve got it just about right.
And at the end of the game, go and sit in your car for three hours to remind you of what it’s like to get out of the carpark.
It’s also important to think very carefully about who you are going to watch the game with.
Firstly, rid your house of non-footy fans.
On Grand Final day, there’s nothing more annoying than people who don’t respect your love of the game.
So, if you haven’t already shipped them off to Howard Springs by now, lock these loners out in the back yard by the opening bounce.
You don’t want them banging on about man buns and Dusty’s tatts and saying every three minutes: “It’s only a game, I don’t know why you are getting so worked up!”
There’s only one thing worse than those who hate football, and that’s fairweather fans who only show interest in the game on Grand Final day when their team is winning. They will bring the room to a standstill with their razor-sharp remarks such as: “Why did he drop that catch?” and “Why did he miss that goal — can’t have been that hard” for a kick on the boundary 60m from the goalsquare.
Another advantage of watching the footy at home is that you can totally disregard the pre-game and halftime entertainment – except Mike Brady singing Up There Cazaly, of course.
This year, to minimise the chance of having bands we love singing their big hits really, really badly, they’ve gone with bands no one has ever heard of who peaked at number 356 on the ARIA charts. It’s probably safer. You’d have more fun listening to your tone-deaf seven-year-old sing Wind Beneath my Wings accompanied by her siblings on the recorder than enjoying any entertainment served up by the AFL. Instead, spend halftime burning some chops on the barbie, sending taunting messages to your mates and playing kick-to-kick with the kids. Whatever you do, ignore companies offering gourmet food options for Grand Final day.
One I came across was called “Up there for grazing”, for which I would like to offer an apology to Mr Brady. Say no to individual bento boxes, Japanese style karaage chicken and DIY beef baos.
Say yes to Four’N Twenty pies with lots of sauce, footy franks and sausage rolls. Any food that isn’t improved with the insertion of tomato sauce via a pastry-crusted plastic nozzle shouldn’t be consumed on footy’s biggest day.
The 2020 AFL Grand Final is one we won’t forget in a hurry – especially if the Cats dominate those Tigers! GO CATS!
Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist
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