Susie O’Brien: Lockdown 2.0 low on action but high on risk
The rules of the new lockdown are as complicated as ever but it is a much scarier game and the hero now has to wear a mask. It feels much more serious this time but we can get through it again, writes Susie O’Brien.
Susie O'Brien
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I have been playing a “video game” called Lockdown 2.0.
The first version, Lockdown 1.0, was much more fun.
It was released back in March and the hero devoted hours to nurturing a three-year-old sourdough starter and moved ahead by jumping on rainbows drawn on footpaths in chalk.
Players received bonus points when they spied a teddy bear in a window and the one with the most toilet paper stashed in the back shed won.
It was fun.
Just when we stopped playing, a new version was released. It’s much scarier and the hero now has to wear a mask.
In version 2.0, the hero moves ahead by dobbing their neighbours in to the corona hotline and dies when a guy next to them in the fruit section of the supermarket sneezes on them.
People playing the game spend a lot of time sending Facebook friend requests to people they’re not friends with and crying when the brand of cereal they like — you know, the one with the toasted cranberries — isn’t available.
The game also involves players watching the news with worried looks on their faces, rather than getting drunk on Zoom with people they don’t bother to catch up with in real life, like in version 1.0.
These are strange days indeed.
Back then we called it isolation, and shared crazy memes about our bed hair and elastic-waisted pants.
Now we’re in extended lockdown, which makes us feel like we’re extras on the set of Wentworth or Prisoner.
This time around, most kids have been given another week of school holidays, but all they want is to go to school.
Year 11 and 12s are going back to school but the primary kids are the ones we really want off our hands.
Those parents who gave themselves a fail grade for home schooling don’t think they can face another round of playing teacher and pretending to know the capital of Bolivia or the value of pi. I know the value of pie — does that count?
And the lockdown rules are as complicated as ever.
You can’t visit your holiday house if you are lucky enough to have one, but if you are already on holiday, you can stay there.
No one in Victoria is allowed to leave the state unless they’re AFL footballers, which means they leave by chartered plane and fly to luxury resorts up north. Pubs are closed, but you’re free to get a blow wave. Churches are closed but bottle shops are open.
Lockdown feels different this time around. People still have showers at 5pm and our dogs are happy to have us at home, but it feels much more serious and less of a novelty.
Cutesy, fun things we used to do, such as dressing up like Thor to put out the recycling, are now in the past.
Such antics have given way to curtains twitching at windows as people try to catch each other out.
Perhaps it’s because we’re not all in it together, only some of us are.
And we’re being made to feel like we’re the ones who mucked it up, not our Premier, who couldn’t organise security guards who didn’t let people shag and shop.
I’ve got less energy to cope with it all this time around, but I know it’s more important than ever to do the right thing.
There’s a sense of urgency and fear that is propelling us to stay at home unless we absolutely have to go out. Well, except for those 20 people who had a party and got caught out by their suspiciously large KFC order.
That little shindig ended up costing them well over $20,000 after police raided the joint to find 16 people in the back garden. That’s a lot of money to spend on hiding in the garden and eating crappy food.
For those of you who are playing Lockdown 2.0, I wish you all the best.
I urge you all to ignore headlines that suggest global lockdowns will continue well into 2020.
What do Harvard professors know about anything anyway?
And definitely ignore signs like the one from a Sydney pub that read: “COVID-19 and Australia reminds us of the Spice Girls. Everyone is doing their best … except Victoria”.
Bugger you, Sydney. We are doing our best.
So, keep up your spirits. Be kind to yourself. Have a shower. Go for a walk. Dance like no one is watching (even though the kids are filming you and hoping to become famous TikTok influencers).
And why not put up your Christmas lights six months early? Christmas in July. Let’s make it a highlight of Lockdown 2.0.
It might be as good as it gets for some time to come.
Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist