Susie O’Brien: Let’s spread the cheer, not the virus, this Christmas

Because of the sacrifices we’ve made, Victorians can now spend a little more time with family this holiday season — whether they like it or not.

Limit the length of time you spend on Christmas Day with those you don’t live with.

Are we good to go? Right.

Today marks 43 days without a coronavirus case anywhere in our state. This is a remarkable achievement.

Today I am unveiling some ways Victorians can have a COVID-safe Christmas where the only thing spread is Christmas cheer.

Because of the sacrifices we’ve made, Victorians can now spend a little more time with family this holiday season — whether they like it or not. While mask rules have been relaxed and density limits eased, I ask you to abide by a few simple principles for your holiday gathering.

We have all worked very hard to earn the right to have 30 people over for Christmas Day. You cannot have 30 people over for lunch and 30 more for dinner — that would be too much like a Labor Party branch function where people are counted twice.

Limit the length of time spent with those you don’t live with, including annoying in-laws, friends who “pop in” and end up staying the whole day, and relatives who “forget” their Kris Kringle present.

Of course, you may wish to opt for a virtual event, consisting of Grandma’s blurred half-face on a screen dropping in and out. These moments are priceless, aren’t they?

If you must have family and friends over, then you may consider temperature-checking all guests on arrival.

Make sure people sit as far away as possible from each other — especially bores and drunks. Also keep kids away from elderly relatives who may try to kiss them instead of engaging them in a fun and festive fist bump.

Manage your guests’ movements with floor markings to provide minimum distance guides and ensure separate entry and exit points, especially for blended families when your ex-husband’s new boyfriend turns up.

When in doubt, nail chairs to the floor, give masks as gifts so no one’s got an excuse not to wear one and decorate the table with mini sanitisers.

Gifts represent another threat to the safety we’ve all worked so hard to secure. Instead of actual presents that could spread germs, give the gift of hygiene and safety this Christmas.

Who needs presents when you’ve got hand sanitation stations decked out in festive colours popped around your living room?

This kind of contact is discouraged this Christmas.

Unless you’re bringing the gift of a reliable and accessible vaccine, no one really cares about socks and jocks this year.

Santa, an essential worker, is free to visit. The reindeers are out of quarantine and the reopening of state borders will not affect Santa’s delivery of presents such as Labor Party red T-shirts and North Face fleecies for good children.

If Santa will be popping into your place, please ensure COVID-safe guidelines are in place, outlawing danger zones such as his knee and pats on the head for the kiddies.

Rather than big platters of food, give each guest mini care packages in handy disposable containers. If you’re passing off store-bought food as your own, dispose of any branded packaging first.

You may also consider asking people to bring their own plates and cutlery, which means less washing up for you. Bringing their own food and drink would make it easier still.

Singing is a particularly contagious and dangerous act, so mouth words where possible — like international cricketers singing the national anthem. If you must have carols, ensure all efforts are subdued. Performances should be kept short, particularly by those who can’t sing in tune and old people with their mouths full.

Initiate festive conversations with your family members on topics such as the location of nearby testing clinics and the dangers of fine droplets expelled while chatting.

Fellow Victorians, I also ask for your co-operation to ensure there is no kissing under the mistletoe. If your guests are frisky, remind them that a friendly elbow bump should do it, perhaps followed by a zoom catch up in the new year.

Please remember that Christmas lights are permissible but discouraged and decorations should be out of reach.

2020, my friends, is the year when tinsel was classified by the government as a dangerous item.

Please make sure any Christmas decorations are COVID safe as well as tasteful.

I beg you not to turn a pack of $2 Bunnings coathangers or pool noodles into door wreaths. And you must all resist visiting the Kmart Hacks Facebook page for holiday decorating ideas. However, I do like the idea of bottle cap snowmen tree decorations after you’ve been getting on the beers.

These changes are about locking in a safe summer, and a safer future for all Victorians.

The longer we prolong these restrictions, the greater the chance I have of being re-elected, and that’s the best Christmas present any of us could wish for, isn’t it?

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist

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