Susie O’Brien: It’s Christmas, so have a very PC holiday
Christmas is a time to celebrate Christ, watch out for Santa and get stuck into plenty of turkey and booze, right? Well, not quite, writes Susie O’Brien.
Susie O'Brien
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’T IS the night before Christmas and it’s a bit of a bore
The PC brigade are taking over once more.
It’s all about diversity and the common good,
Secular festivity and gluten-free food.
Neighbours are wondering who’s on their porch,
They’ve issued a break-and-enter report.
Some old guy in red’s stolen their cake and their beer,
So much for festive Christmas cheer.
Reindeers are people, too, or so the greenies say,
They’ve reported Santa to the RSPCA.
Inspectors will be there when he lands on the roof,
To assess the state of Rudolph’s fur and his hoof.
Think of the health risks that yuletide brings,
Santa’s gone paleo — no dairy, no salt, no sugary things.
Pipe smoke will no doubt give the old man cancer,
And now he’s allergic to Dasher and Prancer.
Parents won’t let their kids sit on Santas’ knee.
Where are his references? His papers? CV?
They want to see his Working with Children’s Check.
His police record, too. What a pain in the neck.
Carols have been cleaned up, tinsel outlawed,
Religion-neutral celebrations have left us all floored.
Helicopter parents are hovering — they know what’s right,
They think Santa will give their kids a fright.
Presents must include no screens and no guns,
PC police have outlawed anything that’s fun.
Snow play and snowflakes are said to be okay,
Except for snowmen, who are now snowpeople, they say.
Nativity plays can no longer be seen,
Mary and Joseph should be somewhere that’s clean.
Imagine. A homeless couple giving birth in a stall!
Somebody gave OH&S a call.
Mary should be in the Park Hyatt instead
Baby Jesus’s mum deserves more than a shed.
She should have a caesarean, drugs, special care.
Room service, pampering. She’d get all that there.
The festive table is full of homemade allergy-free goods,
No lactose, no sugar, no shop-bought foods.
Same goes for cups and straws and anything we throw.
It’s now all about recycle and reuse, don’t you know.
Carols are being cleaned up out of fear,
No singing about Rudolph the red nose reindeer.
Christmas tinsel is out for fear it may offend,
And no raunchy Xmas parties to mark the year’s end.
Emails from work are banning drunken kisses,
No boozing for all the misters and misses.
No baubles, no balloons, no mistletoe,
No snogging someone you don’t really know.
Concern is being raised about the lyrics of old songs,
‘Twas the night before Christmas can no longer be sung.
Lines like: “The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow”,
Are outrageous and sexist — EO officers say so.
Best wishes for a fiscally-successful non-stressful new year,
I hope you are allowed to find some cheer.
In a low-stress non-addictive, gender-inclusive way,
For those agnostics and nonbelievers of today.
What’s left that’s festive? Not much, in the end,
Just things that don’t cause harm or offend.
Happy something to you, but what I daren’t say.
Enjoy your multi-faith non-specific Christmas-free day.
(With thanks to Harvey Ehrlich for the idea.)
Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist