Susie O’Brien: Fun to be fashionable but health comes first
We’re all wearing masks right now because we have to and because it’s the right thing to do but as much as I might need a style injection, masks are not the “hottest accessory of 2020”, they’re a medical necessity to save lives, writes Susie O’Brien.
Susie O'Brien
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Local legend Big Al wore a G-string while shopping at Lincraft last weekend.
Don’t panic, it was on his face, not his body.
At $5 for three pairs, G-strings are cheaper than most masks you can buy right now. Just make sure you wash them first.
We’re all wearing masks because we have to and because it’s the right thing to do. But I won’t be jumping on the craze for homemade masks made out of panty shields, undies, or coffee filters (get it? Coughy filters?).
My mask will not feature a photo of a cat staring at a pizza, the bottom half of a dog’s face, or Darth Vader.
No Liberty lawn fabric. No brown leopard cheetah print. No linen shibori tie-dye. Nothing made out of vintage Japanese wedding gowns. And definitely no mask that reads: “World’s Best Mum” (especially now that home schooling has started up again).
Nor will my mask read: “Put your big girl panties on” (it’s a real item — check it out on Etsy) or have quotes from The Office on it. And it will be free from smart-alec sayings like “Have a nice dystopia” or “Not today death”.
I also won’t be buying the man in my life a mask a from a gender-neutral lifestyle brand that comes with a bonus matching jockstrap.
I will also steer clear of NYC designer Undra Celeste, who has just “unveiled a mask in a dark floral print with a pearlescent sheen, lending to an elevated option poised to complement crisp ensembles”.
I am in lockdown, I haven’t worn anything without stains — let alone a crisp ensemble — since March.
As much as I might need a style injection, I don’t want my mask to make a fashion statement, match my coat or complement my eye makeup. Contrary to some accounts, masks are not the “hottest accessory of 2020”, they’re a medical necessity to save lives.
Sites such as The Vampire’s Wife sell masks that are 100 per cent silk trimmed with ruffles. I will give this a miss too because it will make me look like I’ve got a pair of frilly knickers on my head.
But it’s up to you. If you want your mask to express your personality, go ahead and sport a facial covering that turns you into Donald Trump, Hannibal Lecter or Joe Exotic — at least, from the nose down.
However, I am a bit worried about Prof Bruce Thompson from Swinburne Uni, who is running with the underwear theme. He wants us to “assume your mask is like underwear”.
“So don’t take it off in the middle of public. Don’t fiddle with it in the middle of public, don’t share them with somebody else,” he said recently.
“You wouldn’t wear the same pair of dirty underwear all week, so you shouldn’t wear the same unwashed mask all week.”
Eww. Funnily enough, that interview didn’t make Prof Thompson’s list of official media appearances alongside his learned research in The European Respiratory Journal and other august publications.
I am also slightly alarmed about the DIY aspect of mask-making. The willingness of Victorian health officials to allow people to make their own masks out of household items such as bandannas, scarfs or handkerchiefs is being taken too far by some.
Online there are lots of tips on how to fashion masks out of paper towels, socks, old T-shirts and even Norton antivirus discs (get it?).
The best videos are the failures, such as one woman who tried to make a sock mask but ended up with a heel in the middle of her mouth and a loop over only one ear. I’ve been having a lot of fun watching them while trying not to get sidetracked by pop-up news articles on things like “What happens to your body when you stop wearing underwear”.
Given a bit of latitude, some people don’t know where to stop. Please don’t make a mask out of a cabbage leaf, a grapefruit, a pot scourer or one of those plastic water bottles that sit on stands in doctors’ offices. Stick to the basics.
But then again, as my googling history no doubt reflects, I’ve got a lot of time on my hands at the moment. I am reaching that part of lockdown where I am idly googling home perms and thinking of cleaning out the drawers in my bathroom cupboard. Last night I licked the dishes clean just to pass the time.
So, the challenge of making a mask out of a recycled bra, stapler, rubber band and scissors might give me just the boost I need.
And if that fails, I can always find a three-pack of G-strings and then hit the stores like Big Al.