Susie O’Brien: Face it, Baby Boomers, your bubble has burst

WE’RE happy to scoff at Millennials but perhaps it’s time we realised Baby Boomers are even more ludicrous, writes Susie O’Brien.

MAKING fun of Millennials has become a national pastime. With their bo-ho clothes, their FOMO* obsession and their YOLO** attitude, Millennials seem like foreigners to anyone born before 1980.

Most confused are the Baby Boomers, who wonder how a Millennial who uses the word “verse” instead of “versus” can possibly earn $250,000 as a start-up innovator accelerator. In turn, Millennials wonder how Boomers, who only type texts with one finger, have managed to stick around so long.

Baby Boomers, born after World War II, range in age from the mid-50s to mid-70s. They’re known for their love of mass-market cruise ships with all-you-can eat buffets, railing about the death of the comma and watching Fawlty Towers re-runs.

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I think it’s time to let the Millennials off the hook and have some fun with Boomers for a change.

Baby Boomers think younger people are obsessed with screens and spend too much time on their phones.

I’m reassessing Boomers after seeing a clip made by the Tonightly with Tom Ballard crew. Don’t judge me for watching comedy on the ABC — I watched it on Junkee.com. I just want to make sure you know I’m not a Baby Boomer — no siree. I’m too young by a decade (almost).

“It may seem fun or cool to destroy the entire economy with multiple highly leveraged investment properties, or to write a nine-page letter to the ABC about an arcane pronunciation issue that nobody gives a s--- about, but we need to get across the message to Boomers that this sort of behaviour is just not on,” the Tonightly spoof says.

Spot on! Baby Boomers worry about what their kids and grandkids are doing on their mobile phones and yet they’re more likely to be the ones scammed by a Nigerian prince wanting to share his fortune in three easy transactions.

Many Boomers dismiss age as just a number, but you bet they will access the free transport seniors pass the minute they turn 65. They also think younger people are obsessed with screens and spend too much time on their phones, but they crack it if their kids miss a call from them.

As Millennials point out, they may not have stable jobs, but at least they have a sense of humour.

Boomers tend to think no one does anything as well as they do. They particularly hate bad service in restaurants and can be found on their tablets late at night, propped up in bed leaving long restaurant reviews detailing why Geoffrey’s caramelised onion pizza took too long. Oh well, when you’ve only got 20 more years to live, you don’t want to waste a minute, do you?

And woe betide an Uber driver who lets a Baby Boomer down. They’re so pleased they’ve learnt to use a ride-sharing app that they want to share what they thought about their ride with everyone, even though they haven’t worked out that no one cares. The same goes for Boomer Facebook posts, which are heavy on the achievements of their kids and grandkids and light on anything else (Actually, I think that’s true of all generations).

Boomers are cashed-up, physically fit and semi-retired or newly retired. It’s a dangerous combination, and explains why they spend 27 hours a week online. This is mostly spent obsessing over the minute details of their latest ambling trip in the Yorkshire Dales or doing Tibetan hot yoga where they will put their back out trying to switch on their bandhas.

Boomers are also the first generation to enjoy fault-free divorce, women’s rights and land rights.

Baby Boomers are cashed-up, physically fit and semi-retired or newly retired and it’s a dangerous combination.

After spending their lives working and raising kids, they’re now able to be idealistic again for the first time in decades. That means they spend their spare time sponsoring West Indian manatee dugongs and raising money for GetUp! without understanding what it will be used for.

They think there’s going to be a huge fight among their kids about who’s getting what when they pass on and they don’t realise their kids and grandkids don’t want anything they can’t sell on eBay. Boomers don’t realise how lucky they had it, coming of age in the post-war years when they could buy a house for the equivalent of three years’ wages, not 25, like it is now. Boomers think that gives them the right to lord it over those who are renting and working casually. They’ll say: “Young people today should …” But young people will never hear because they’re secretly listening to Eminem through their AirPods while nodding sagely in the direction of the Boomer whose house they’re living in.

As Millennials point out, they may not have stable jobs, but at least they have a sense of humour.

*FOMO Fear Of Missing Out

**YOLO You Only Live Once.

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist

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