Susie O’Brien: Council madness has gone too far

SOCIETY needs rules but some officious councils enforce laws that defy logic, baffle residents and deserve to be laughed at, writes Susie O’Brien.

Some officious councils enforce laws that defy logic and baffle residents. Picture: iStock

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DON’T tell anyone, but this weekend I’m going to let off a bit of steam. I’m going to live on the edge and push life to the limit. I’m going to turn into a fully-fledged suburban terrorist.

Don’t be too scared. These days you don’t have to break into cars or let flares off at a soccer match to break the law.

I’m going to get into almost as much strife by planting some veggies on the verge, erecting a basketball ring in my cul-de-sac and then riding my bike on the footpath.

Then I’m going to round out the day of mischief-making by popping by my local council offices with a few ham sandwiches, some cards saying “Merry Christmas” and maybe releasing a balloon or two.

That’s all it takes these days for you to be considered a danger to yourself and others. Day-by-day, the list of banned, dangerous and offensive activities is growing.

Local councillors, who clearly don’t have enough important things to do, spend their time finding new ways for people to be outraged, offended or injured.

This was brought home this week after hearing about the experiences of John Walys, a Caulfield South homeowner who was slapped with a $1000 fine by Glen Eira Council.

His crime? Installing some tasteful white crazy paving on his front verge of his 1970s-era two-storey house.

Let’s get this in perspective. He didn’t have pigs in his back yard stinking out the neighbourhood. He didn’t have wild parties, playing AC/DC at top volume at 3am. He wasn’t a hoarder with a house full of old TV Week magazines and empty catfood tins.

CAULFIELD SOUTH HOMEOWNER IN NATURE STRIP WAR WITH COUNCIL

Caulfield South resident John Walys was served with an order to remove the stone pavers from his nature strip. Picture: Chris Eastman

No. Mr Walys merely had the audacity to include the verge in his makeover of his awesome retro house.

The Council didn’t care that the paving was similar to that in other parts of the suburb, or was in keeping with the house’s original design.

It wouldn’t have mattered if Jamie Durie himself had installed a hot pink Buddha spurting water out of its butt cheeks while playing Fur Elise. As far as they were concerned, anything against the rules was a hazard and had to go.

Sadly, similar scenes are playing out all over the state.

A Geelong woman was told to tear up her nature-strip veggie patch because it was a safety hazard. She can legally operate a McDonald’s that sells meals containing 1000 calories a pop, but her help-yourself veggie patch containing fresh, healthy produce was deemed to be more of a risk to public health.

In Wantirna, Knox Council threatened a man with a $1000 fine for having a basketball ring in his street. The fact that it had been up for two years, and was popular with adults and kids, didn’t matter once a complaint had been received.

COUNCIL’S FINE THREAT TO WANTIRNA MAN OVER BASKETBALL RING

Knox Council threatened a man with a fine for having a basketball ring in his Wantirna street. Picture: Paul Loughnan

Some councils are even banning basketball nets — but not the hoops — citing safety risks posed by kids with “dental braces”. It seems that everyone suffers because of the possibility of non-existent unlikely risk that hasn’t happened before.

(No one’s stopping a kid with braces from pashing another kid with braces, which is much more of a safety risk, trust me.)

And there was the Melbourne council that stopped a woman from buying her municipal cleaner a little thankyou present. A spokesman suggested a phone call to the cleaner’s supervisor would be more appropriate than a box of chocolates or $5 in a card that would have to be shared with all staff.

Can you imagine? “Well done, team, here’s five cents and a Tim Tam to pass around”.

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A Melbourne council stopped a woman from buying her municipal cleaner a thankyou present.

One council banned ham and pork products from functions as a show of respect for the Muslim population and another banned outdoor fire pits, turning residents who wanted to keep warm outdoors into law-breakers. No news has been released about the urgent chimenea buyback scheme.

It’s the same around the country. In Perth a balloon ban was mooted because buoyant birthday decorations are now seen as environmental hazards. WA councils have also regulated the use of parks by personal trainers. Why? Apparently it’s as a result of the violent spate of noisy greetings and overly loud car door closing by pre-dawn fitness enthusiasts. Annual fees of up to $2200 are now being charged to keep people fit and healthy in open, deserted spaces.

In Adelaide, bikes have been banned from popular beachside footpaths and one council even banned hard cricket balls from its parks unless a formal cricket session was booked. Then a sign had to be erected warning people of the possibility of cricket-ball injuries. That was despite the fact that no cricket-ball related injuries had ever been reported.

There you have it, folks. We live in a world where a concrete paver, a box of chocolates and a staked tomato plant are considered safety hazards.

So this weekend, consider the fun you could have by going rogue.

Become a vegetable vigilante. A guerilla gardener. A bandit basketballer player. A thug thankyou-er.

Just make sure you don’t get caught.

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist.

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