Susie O’Brien: Competitive parents to avoid at all costs

THE fact that kids’ sport is fierce, competitive and bruising is not down to their opponents, it’s mostly due to the parents. Here are the types to avoid, writes Susie O’Brien.

JUNIOR sport these days often involves, highly competitive well-trained individuals determined to win at all cost. And that’s just the parents.

New rules covering junior futsal at one Melbourne club have been introduced because of the behaviour of kids. But if you’ve spent any time on the sidelines of junior sporting matches, you’d know the parent can be just as bad. Have you met some of these sporting parents?

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The Sporting Socialite: This mum is proud, but she’s more interested in the number of likes she’s getting for her latest Facebook post about her Bali girls’ trip. Sit next to her and she’ll tell you all about her latest Aldi stick vacuum purchase and how it’s changed her life when all you want to do is watch the game. Just wait for her to share her recipe for strawberry daiquiris that turned the latest school function into a ’70s-style shag-a-thon after everyone threw their keys into the punch bowl. She never misses any of her kids’ sporting games, mainly because she gets to show off her newly tinted eyebrows to the other mums. But don’t ask her about the score — she’s lucky if she knows which kid is playing, let alone who’s winning.

The Wannabe Coach: This father didn’t put his hand up to coach because he’s too busy and important at work. (Just ask him, he’ll tell you.) But to make up for it, he’s at every game coaching from the sidelines and yelling his lungs out. “Score! Shoot! Just kick it!”, he’ll yell at his long-suffering son who’d rather be home playing Fortnite than spending a humiliating hour as Melbourne’s most ineffective junior goalie. This dad was a promising junior footballer who had his career cut short by injury. (Just ask him, he’ll tell you.) He’s too dumb to realise that “you’re kicking like a girl” is a compliment and his motto is: “There’s no “I” in team. But there is an “I” in win.”

The Delusional Dad: This father is always banging on about how bad everything is. The coaching is crap. The referee is unfair. The opposition are thugs. The teammates aren’t trying hard enough. The only saving grace is his child who is more talented than Cristiano Ronaldo and faster than Usain Bolt. So why is he never on in the second half? These dads keep track of every interchange and every second each kid spends on the court or field. They’re the one huddled in the corner with their kid at half time, giving them last-minute tips from a white board. The fact that his pesky progeny probably cost the team the last three grand finals doesn’t stop this dad from being convinced he’s about to turn pro.

The Wannabe Coach didn’t put his hand up to coach but he’s at every game coaching from the sidelines and yelling his lungs out.

The Mother’s Hen’s child is obnoxious, selfish and lacking in any skills and yet their biggest champion is at every game cheering louder than everyone else.

The Delusional Dad is always banging on about how bad everything is. The coaching is crap. The referee is unfair.

The Hot Mess Mum: This mum is well-intentioned but over-committed. She’ll turn up late in a flurry of sneakers, bats and balls and her kids often play in their school shoes because they got dressed in the car. She’ll bring the wrong kid at the wrong time to the wrong place because she didn’t have time to read the emails properly. She’ll always forget she was down to bring the oranges and her kids have been playing for five seasons but she can never find the entrance to the court before the game starts. “Darling you played very well,” she’ll tell her kid, not realising they got slaughtered 187 to 2 playing with the wind.

The Over-sharer: These sporting parents will spend the whole match telling you about their kid’s third shoulder reconstruction and how they played the whole of last season with cracked ribs. They don’t realise no one really cares about what the weather is doing to their son’s asthma or how they would have been B. O. G except for the concussion (and the fact that they can’t really play). At half time they’ll pamper and hover about their kids, asking them loudly if they need to go to the toilet. They’ll also run on to the field in the middle of a game to tie a shoelace or wipe a nose. When they pull out their phone to show you their daughter’s latest X-rays, run a mile.

The Mother Hen: Their child is obnoxious, selfish and lacking in any skills and yet their biggest champion is at every game cheering louder than everyone else. Little Pete just missed a goal from three metres and yet there she is yelling: “Good try!”, “Wonderful!”, “Go champ” and clapping so hard her arms fall off. She’s on her feet watching every shot, kick, goal and pass. She’s the team manager, on the club committee and on the parents’ association. At halftime she’ll be handing out feedback forms, getting parents to sign up for the cake stall and reintroducing people who already know each other. Again. She’s peppy, happy and very popular. Remember to steer clear of her when you’ve got a hangover.

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist

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