Susie O’Brien: A parent’s guide to remote learning
With a second round of stay-at-home schooling starting today, this is what the government’s advice for parents really means, writes Susie O’Brien.
Susie O'Brien
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Susie has three kids. She spends five weeks home schooling two of them.
Work out the probability that her children are for sale on Gumtree five weeks later and that she still can’t do long division after 17 sessions of year 4 maths.
With home schooling returning on Monday, you need help to decode all the advice that’s being dished up to parents.
Give clear instructions
I agree. How about: Stay in your room. Do your work. See you at 3pm.
Organise a learning space
Quiet and comfortable, they say. Somewhere in the next suburb, I say.
Give kids your time and attention
No way. Kids need to be ignored and neglected, so when you find them a non-dried-up glue stick to use for their geography poster, they think you’re the greatest parent ever.
Support independent learning
Oh yes, I love this one. Hey kids, here’s a PlayStation remote. Mum’s going to take a nap while you chart the number of friends you’ve killed on Fortnite before recess on a bar graph. (That’s maths and PE taken care of.)
Recognise the emotional impact
Look, I think I’ll be OK, it’s going to be hard, but I will cope. Wait. What? Oh, you mean the kids? They’ll be right. How much damage can I do in five weeks?
Maintain social distancing
Remember, social distancing is important in the classroom, so stay as far away from your kids as possible. When they come towards you for the 16th time asking what’s for lunch, fake a sneeze and spray Glen 20 in their direction.
Encourage students to master new skills
Don’t get too carried away with this one. You don’t want your children to become smart enough to realise how little you really know.
Recognise your own achievements
I have many accomplishments. I know lots of swear words and the value of the teachers who — unlike me — are trained roolly good to teach kids fings.
Give yourself a break!
So, you don’t know a doodle from a dongle? An organism from an orgasm? Who cares? This too will pass, like the Lego the dog ate last night after dinner.
Set yourself goals
I’ve got this one. Be in the house. Install fire alarms. Stay sober. Wear a bra.
Accentuate the positives
Only 24 days to go. That’s the only positive there is.
Remember: Every day of home schooling is another day closer to schools reopening.