Face it girls, it’s still a man’s world. Period

If men had periods instead of women, you can bet the world, and it’s attitude to menstruation, would be very different

Susie O'Brien

WHAT would happen if men had periods? They would call themselves “Blood brothers” and would boast about how long, how often and how heavy. Men would give each other nick names such as “Big Red” and “Spots” when they were menstruating.

“Just go with the flow, man,” they’d say to each other. “Don’t let it cramp your style.”

If men had periods, tampons would be status symbols and wouldn’t come in small, regular and large, but extra-large, bloody huge and ginormous.

Men would carry tampons in their wallets to impress the girls and would flash them around as a sign of virility. They would brag about being a “heavy flow” bloke or a “five-tampon-a-day” guy.

Artistic types would celebrate their periods in great red artworks hung on the walls of major galleries, symbolising the mystic union between male status and the cleansing power of the monthly bleed. Countless songs, theatre works and poems would be devoted to celebrating “the stain” as a mark of manhood.

Men’s clothing would be designed to accentuate the fact a man had a period. In fact, there would be no need for euphemisms such as “the curse” because men would be proud to talk about periods. They’d call it “the gift” and the “Scarlet Letter”, and would discriminate against women because they didn’t get one.

Indeed, periods would become a “red badge of courage” and would be used to justify why women couldn’t run companies, lead countries and make rational decisions. Men would tell women they weren’t up to the job because they couldn’t “bleed like a man”.

TV ads for sanitary products would no longer have to use blue ink being poured into beakers by people in white lab coats, but would use real blood — and lots of it. They wouldn’t show women in white pantsuits doing cartwheels, but men with bulges in their pants hugging hot water bottles and giving each other high-fives.

If men had periods, boys and their fathers would hold week-long celebrations when they finally “came of age” and marked the “rising of the crimson tide”. Dads would take their sons on special shopping trips to buy them their first boxes of sanitary products. Menarche parties would be held for boys, with games such as Pass the Sanitary Product and Pin the Tail on the Tampon.

Unlike women in some cultures who can’t leave the house, go to work or attend places of worship when they are menstruating, men would have special “Period Palaces” that only they could go to when they had their periods. Menstruation leave would be widespread and males would be paid to lie in bed under a doona for three days off each month, spending their time boasting on Facebook about how many tampons they’re getting through.

Facebook would no longer remove posts of women showing embarrassing stains and instead would devote site after site to these proofs of periods. These sites would be called “Bloody Hell!!!” and “The redder the better”, and #NoStainNoGain would be continually trending on Twitter.

Tampons and sanitary pads would not be called “Sure and Natural”, “Libra” and “Carefree” but “Thick and chunky” and “Big Boy Blood”. Top sportsmen and celebrities would give their name to the leading brands, with bogans paying more for the Shane Warne Super-Absorbent Sheath and Ultra-Plus Applicator and more sensitive types forking out big bucks for the Michael Buble Silent Glide Unscented Panty Shield.

More sporting teams would be called “The Bloods”, and would be proud to be sponsored by sanitary product companies. Instead of confetti, they’d shower each other in tampons after a big win.

Research institutes such as the Society for Menstrual Research would spend millions of taxpayer dollars on how to minimise cramps and eliminate Toxic Shock Syndrome. They’d produce peer-reviewed papers proving that men perform better when they’re menstruating — both in the boardroom and in bed.

Instead of barely changing in 50 years, sanitary products would be hi-tech and based on the latest fibres and materials. Cutting-edge tampons designed by men for men would have odour-eating microencapsulation and be encased in ultra-high-molecular-weight polyethylene. And, of course, if men had periods, all sanitary supplies would be GST-free. Tampons, sanitary pads and even reusable moon cups would no longer be regarded as a luxury, but a necessity. That would save men nearly $5000 over their lifetime.

That’s if they had to pay for tampons at all. I have a feeling that if men had periods, all sanitary products would be federally funded and free.

Given that women have periods, things are very different and I think it’s a bleeding disgrace. It’s time for this to change.

(With thanks to US feminist Gloria Steinem for some of the best lines and for doing the original version of this almost 40 years ago. Sadly, her analysis is as pertinent today as it was in 1978.)

Go to Facebook.com/newswithsuse, and blog susieobrien.com.au

Twitter: @susieob

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