Revealed: How the world responded to our nuclear snub

Australia’s awkward position in the international nuclear community has been highlighted in an explosive email chain, reveals Patrick Carlyon.

An explosive email chain revealing Australia’s awkward position in the international nuclear community has been leaked to News Corp. Excerpts below.

To: Chris Bowen, Australia Minister for Energy

From: David Turk, US Deputy Secretary of Energy

Yo, Chris, my man.

Or g’day, as you Ossies say.

I see you have rejected our invitation to join with 31 nations in speeding up the development of nuclear energy. Could I persuade you to re-think the proposal?

After all, we can’t all be wrong, and we include France, Britain, Switzerland, and pretty much every other country in the top 10 Olympic medal tally – besides Australia. There’s us, of course, your best friend forever, and China, your new bestie this week.

We could always use a little Ossie know-how. Whaddya say?

Dear David,

Greetings from Australia, where the sun always shines and the wind always blows. Lots of hot air in Australia, especially the capital (LOL).

As I said in my statement, civilian nuclear energy is “outlawed” in Australia, alongside other serious crimes against humanity, such as murder and Love Island Australia. It’s the law – L.A.W. Do you want me to get arrested?

Nuclear energy is a frolic, you see, and it saddens me to state the obvious – you are all just, like, so wrong. Three-eyed fish? No thanks – we’ve already got the platypus.

Sorry, mate, but please tell the 31 nations on my behalf that they’re dreaming …

Chris Bowen, Australia Minister for Energy Picture: NewsWire/ John Gass

Chris,

That’s a pity. We really wanted you on board. I’m offering you a ticket, but the train is leaving the station.

Can I gently point out that the rest of the world has embraced the nuclear thing, mainly because it’s the only way to significantly reduce carbon emissions without turning off the lights?

Can I also point out that Google and Amazon – do you have them in Australia? – as well as Bill Gates think that nuclear is a smart way to go?

David,

No, you can’t.

You say Amazon? Have ever actually tried to use Amazon WorkSpaces?

I’m rather busy laying out a renewables project that is a world first. We’re building the future on sun and wind (and gas, lots and lots of gas, though we don’t mention the gas).

No time to dilly dally with abstractions. Australia and nuclear energy is like Switzerland and surfboards (to borrow from one of my snappier sound bites).

Nuclear is too dangerous. If it’s not too dangerous, then it’s too exxy. If it’s not too exxy, then it will take too long.

See how busy I am? I’m losing track of my talking points …

David Turk, US Deputy Secretary of Energy. Picture: Getty Images

Chris,

I understand that a majority of Australians are open to nuclear energy, in part because your renewables experiment sounds as plausible as Love Island Australia.

You know that the green hydrogen projects have been quietly let go all over the world.

You also know that your renewables dream will cost hundreds of billions of dollars more than budgeted (which explains why no other country is trying it).

You know you need baseload power, no matter how sun-swept and windblown your big brown land.

And you know that you will be relying on a fossil fuel, which I might point out is one of your nation’s biggest exports and goes a long way to explaining why you can indulge the privilege of sitting smugly on the other side of the world and tossing around your dodgy stats and missionary zeal.

Sorry to be so candid, Chris. But, as you Ossies like to say, where the bloody hell are you?

David,

I’m glad you asked. As I’ve said many times, the average build time of nuclear projects built in the US since 1970 is 19 years. If we go nuclear, we’ll be up to the 25th season of Love Island Australia before we can put on the telly to watch it – and all the news stories about the three-eyed fish …

Blinky, three-eyed fish from a lake next to nuclear power plant in The Simpsons.

Chris,

This simply isn’t true. The average build takes eight years. And Love Island Australia will never last 25 seasons …

David,

Will too …

Chris,

Last chance. Can I ask you to see reason?

David,

No means no.

I refuse to listen to opposing points of view, which has been my strict policy since we were elected in 2022. Why would I start now?

Best to the missus …

Originally published as Revealed: How the world responded to our nuclear snub